By shelz.
The NFL season is finally over and unless you are a Giant fan (believe me, there are a lot less than you might think right now) the season ended on a rather meh note. Considering the gimpy older Manning brother and some white guy with a fro taking a tight rope right between the balls without grimacing once pulled media rank over Eli’s second ring, I’d say the G-Men suffer from being the less than sexy big game winners. Even Justin Tuck dressing up like Shredder didn’t help. Congrats to them anyway though.
What now you ask? You could finally learn something about hockey, but why? You could watch basketball, but outside of the Heat dressing up like male candy stripers from a 70’s porn flick, it’s really not as awesome as basketball fans make it seem. Most of these cats don’t even seem to derive any joy from their jobs. It’s all so negative and whiney. No one likes their team or their teammates. It’s like the jets, just in shorts. Baseball is an option for some, but I’m from Baltimore so I don’t acknowledge that sport’s existence.
All that’s left is keeping up with the NFL off season wheeling and dealing, which is still more interesting than all the above. This is the time when dreamscapes are born. When Greg Schiano can say, I’m bringing the Lombardi trophy to Tampa and not get reduced to a pile of ashes from an unfortunate pants fire. It’s when multiple professional teams can pine for a middle-aged quarterback who will probably have to be wheeled on and off the field by his nurse next season and when everyone can watch TO play arena ball and realize it could always be worse.
So every once in a while I’ll be taking a look at the behind the scenes stuff that happens from February to July and then BAM! Before you know it, we’re back in business. Let’s get to it.
Bill Parcels Made Ricky Williams Retire
Well, not really, but someone said Parcells texted Ricky suggesting he could contribute to the world in other ways than playing football. Ummm. We all can, but what does that have to do with Ricky having a job? Does Parcells need a smoking buddy? Williams took the bait and quit, leaving the Ravens yet another hole to shore up in their offense.
Rex Ryan Said He Should Have Managed His Locker Room Better
No shit Sherlock. I still like watching that Pepsi Max ad where Sione Pouha says “WHO SAID THAT?!?” Greg McElroy did. He said it all.
M.I.A. Cements Another Urban Artist Ban During Super Bowl Halftime
How much attention does this chick need? We have suffered through our parents favorite bands during the Superbowl long enough. Fergie made it through without someone having to call the FCC, now this chick just proves that no other urban bish can be trusted with that much power. M.I.A. flipping the camera off during Madonna’s performance will have chilling effects. Watch, it will be Barry Manilow next year. Just watch.
Bradying, Bundchening and Jacobsing… They All Suck.
Now that Tom Brady sitting up right with legs spread and head dropped, similar to a rag doll, has turned into the pose known as Bradying, I guess any woman defending her man by throwing his partners in crime under the buss is called Bundchening. Telling said Bundchener to shut up when you have absolutely nothing to do with the situation would be considered Jacobsing… Brandon Jacobsing that is. Why this guy decided he would tell the wife of another football player, who isn’t even on his team, to shut up, I don’t know. Hopefully Brady doesn’t have any Ugg goons to get on that ass.
Indianapolis Is Turning Into Baltimore 2.0.
First they took Baltimore’s team, then their colors, their logo and now their Defensive Coordinator. (But they left the band. Wtf kinda sense does that make?) Sooner or later there will be Naptowners wandering the streets of Charm City looking for kidneys and Baltimoreans first born children. In the immortal words of Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas, “Get your own goddamn man” err .. umm… coach.
Chuck Pagano, the former Defensive Coordinator of the Baltimore Ravens, heading to fill their vacant head coach job was just the rank cherry on top of the shit cake and he didn’t even let the ink dry on the death certificate before he skipped away to his doom. The way Irsay talks about the horseshoe, I’m assuming Pagano is joining some sort of cult and there’s probably a cup of flavor aid with his name written all over it waiting for him. In a metaphorical sense of course.
Salt and Pepa – I’ll Take Your Man
Everybody Hates Mike Vick.
Vick was recently voted most hated athlete like in the history of athletics. I blame people who kiss their dogs on the mouth for this. I guess you can rape and beat women, sell drugs and kill people while driving drunk but you’re good as long as a dog wasn’t in the car. Damn shame. I’m officially an Eagles fan. Well, not really but I won’t root against them from now on.
Steve Miller Band Fly Like An Eagle Remix
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