Are men and women really that different?  We often find ourselves on opposing sides of most issues and we tend to see things very differently.  We all go through different things in our lives and look for answers in different places. This column is where we see how differently we do see things.  He Say/ She Say offers answers to your life questions from both the male and the female perspective.  Sometimes they will be similar; other times waaay off. All answers are written separately. Chime in and tell us what you think. 

Dear He Say/She Say:

My boyfriend and I constantly argue about this issue and it has gotten to the point where it may make or break our relationship. We have been talking about marriage for a couple months now.  We both agree we want to spend the rest of our lives together and he insists he wants to be married (he doesn’t want a baby mama) He has proposed informally but he won’t commit to a date. This is very confusing for me. I have no doubt he loves me and he keeps insisting he wants to be married…but he won’t commit to a date. I don’t want to waste my time being strung along. I need some advice.

-Engaged & Restless (Chicago)

He Says: So let me get this straight.  You love and trust him, you don’t have a child,you’ve only been talking about marriage a few months, and he’s made his intentions clear…and you’re complaining because you don’t have a wedding date?  I bet there’s quite a few women that would kill for the situation you’re in, but let’s examine this on face value.

He has committed in principal to spending the rest of his life with you.  He’s actually communicating with you which, as a stubborn man myself, can be difficult in itself. He doesn’t have any kids which in itself is like a fresh pair of Jordans in ’91. It sounds to me like you’re putting a rush on him like Stephanie Mills.

If he’s gone this far with you, he’s not going anywhere. You don’t have to treat him like a pig and hog-tie him before he gets away. Relax.  It’s only going to make you look desperate after awhile, which is never a positive trait, and sooner or later, he’s going to start questioning why the hell you’re in such a rush. You gonna get deported or something? Fall back off the 3rd degree and let him come to that place in his own time.  You’re not knocked up or anything so you still can walk if you feel that strongly that you’re wasting your time.  It’s only been a few months. If everything else is going swell, I would say don’t rock the boat. Now if those months become years…I think you know what time it is. Until then, I suggest you start wearing condoms because if you get pregnant, that changes the dynamic of that decision entirely and you would presumably want to be married because of you and not your swollen belly.  Keep in touch and let us know how that goes. (Dr. Deisel)

She Says: You have to figure out what is most important to you.  Is being married necessary for the longevity of your relationship?  If your man decided he just didn’t want to be married but still loved and wanted to be with you, would you stay? You say the two of you have only been talking about this for a few months yet with the promise of impending nuptuals on the horizon you are turning this into a bridezilla situation.  Right now your potential spouse is getting a glimpse of what life is like when things aren’t going your way.  It sounds like your relationship was fine until the “M” word made an appearance now you say it’s on the brink of failure.

Fall back and breathe. This is your man, he’s communicated he wants to be with and will marry you.  Now you want the express lane to the altar.  If this is the only bump in your road right now then you need to put the relatonship first.  Become a loving couple again (that is what got him to pop the question in the first place right?) Continue to communicate peacefully.  Pick his brain, maybe he feels he’s not in a position to be the provider he wants to be. Maybe he has a vision of what marriage is and needs time to get in line with that. There are hundreds of possibilities. But watch him, see if there are any variations in his routine, does something seem off? If not then don’t push away 80% of everything you want in a man only to get 20% of nothing (you saw the movie). Many blessings. (G.I.N.A.)

If you want your questions answered on He Say/She Say, please send your correspondance to odeisel@planetill.com .

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