By shelz.

As you peruse the web today, I’m sure you will notice there are only two types of Valentines Day articles.  There are the ones that play on people’s egos in the most horrific way.  The articles that point fingers at the lonely, laugh in their faces and then provide pages of dating site links so those who are preparing candle light dinners for one won’t be dateless for another 366 days.  Then there are the sugary sweet, e-candy and rose filled love sermons that implore you to be with the one you love so you can love the one you’re with righteously.

However, between those two polar ends of the amorous spectrum is everyone else; those who have tried and failed.  Those who ventured into all of that when-two-become-one happiness and realized their candy was made with saccharine.  So now they’re stuck with relationship carcinogens and a really bad taste in their mouth.  Unfortunately some folks are in that situation right here, right now and well… I’m sure it kind of sucks.

We at Planet Ill haven’t forgotten about you though.  Before you grab that bouquet of roses from that random stranger who reminds you a little too much of your ex and smack him in the face with it while hoping he was too cheap to have them de-thorned, calm your nerves and settle in.  We have selected the gold standard in “I hate my ex” listening material so you can fantasize about dismemberment at the comfort of your monitor instead of nuttin’ up in public. Enjoy.

We will start with Kelis.  “Caught Out There” is a good representation of the beginning of the end; the initial anger people face when ignoring the warning signs of philandering is no longer an option.  This is the period when sleeping with one eye open becomes of the utmost importance to the offending party.

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Next is Alanis Morissette with “You Oughta Know.” The ex has packed his bags and moved out.  Then he finds a new love and you seem to be spending a little too much time chain smoking in his bushes.

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Now we’re going to move onto Atmosphere with “F*ck You Lucy” because men have feelings too. That whole “can we still be friends” thing really can leave a dude beat down.  I’d suggest you just leave and don’t look back, especially if you hear the first few notes of this song.  On second thought, run.

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Then, of course, some men like Eamon don’t want you back.  They don’t want to be your friend and they will probably show all those naughty camera phone pictures to their friends the minute you roll out. If they haven’t already that is.

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The closer is Ghostface Killah and his ode to heartache, “Wildflower.”  Honestly, not much can be said about this song except, damn.

Happy Valentines Day! And don’t forget, there’s always next year.

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