By shelz.

So. Yeah. I missed last week. It seems that every once in a while, something happens that’s kind of more important than football. I know, sounds crazy. Yet very true. But I’m back like the Ravens offense and I’m ready for week seven. Before we go there, though a few things from week six must be addressed.

Someone tell Adam Jones, while he wants to suggest Mike Nugent isn’t “doing his job” when he shanks a punt, that the Bengals defense isn’t “doing their job” when they allow the Panthers to score a bajillion points. Leave those kinds of ridiculous comments to the fans. We have the right to say dumb shit like that because we don’t know any better.

Geno Smith is losing games because he sucks. It has nothing to do with the time changes or the media or pink unicorns on the 50 yard line. When you suck, you lose. The end.

Mike Tomlin finally admitted that there may be a problem with his team besides penalties. Six in Cleveland and the Steelers still got whomped. Maybe he can draw from Geno’s list of excuses now.

Anywho. Joe Flacco, Kang of all bawl slangin’ bawses, scored more TD’s in 16 minutes than your QB has for the past two weeks. And YOU know who YOU are. Cough…Steelers suck…cough.

Ravens vs Falcons

I know some Falcons fans. Actually, I know a lot of Falcons fans. They are nice people and I have to live and work with them after this week. However…

They’re. Gonna. Lose.

Check it. Matt Ryan doesn’t get enough credit because he’s surrounded by people who “don’t do their job.” See how I did that Adam Jones? Anywho, he’s going to pass…. well. He’s going to connect with his receivers when he’s not rolling in the dirt thanks to Baltimore’s emergent pass rush. The Ravens secondary is giving up mad yards (Yo, Harbaugh! Your safeties ain’t keeping shit in the middle of the field safe) so don’t be surprised when the Falcons march. But Baltimore is ranked numero uno in red zone defense and 3rd in points allowed. So start Matt Bryant if you have him in fantasy. He’ll try to chip away at the Ravens lead 3 points at a time. This RB Antone whatever-his-name-is? Don’t count on him this week. B,more’s run defense is pristine. And check the box next to the Ravens for the “W” in your office pool because the game is up top and Atlanta’s defense is ass.

Is there anything else? Not really, but my editor doesn’t get down with 50 word articles so I must trudge on with NFL irrelevance.

Bengals vs Colts

Hmmm. Let’s see. It’s in Indy. Check. AJ Green still has a boo boo on his toe. Check. Andrew Luck is indeed the new football Jesu. Check. And Andy Dalton looks like the little boy who used to ride in the back of the bus by himself because he smelled a little funny and ate boogers. Check. Check. Check. The Bengals allowed the Panthers to score at will last week. And their kicker probably has a bit of a complex since his own teammates are publicly shaming him. I say Mr. Luck and his dad, Reggie Wayne, pull this out. By two. Not points, but touchdowns.

Saints vs Lions

Speaking of kickers… SMH. Anyway, I think Jimmy Graham might be out. Oh and maybe Calvin Johnson and ummm possibly Reggie Bush. And Sproles. Wait, he doesn’t play for the Saints anymore. That’s fine. He’s still hurt. Anyway, I don’t know If I’ll recognize any of the players, but I just can’t pick the Saints on the road. Hell, I’m not sure if I can continue to pick them at home. Which is great because the Ravens will be traveling there in a minute. Detroit with the “W” because the Saints are a hot mess right now.

Seahawks vs Rams

Man. You know the Hawks are READY to get back on the field and redeem themselves after that sad performance last week. Somebody tell Percy Harvin he’s a superstar and he needs to act like one. And someone tell Pete Carroll he might want to draft a chunky butt for that defensive line since the cat is out of the bag on how to handle the squad of littlens they have starting right now. Well, everyone knows, but St. Louis won’t be able to execute. Damn shame. Hawks for the win.

Steelers vs. Texans

The Texans are still crazy corny, but they have J.J. Watt who obviously said, “Clowney? I don’t need no stankin’ Clowney.”  I predict Watt scores more points than Bell and Brown combined. Well, probably not, but the Steelers will still find a way to let Foster bow in both endzones. That run defense is like…. L Texans melt the Steel curtain and find themselves on the right side of .500.

Brownies vs. Jags

Not that I keep up, but I’m pretty sure the Jags haven’t won a game this year. I mean they have to win one sooner or later, right? I think I said that last year. And I think they won when I did. Plus, isn’t like the entire starting Cleveland line-up on IR right now? And where is Johnny Manziel? In football timeout for that dumb ass play where he lined up as receiver in the next time zone no doubt. Yes, I’m still talking about that. Jags for the win and no I’m not drunk.

Jets vs Patriots

Jerod Mayo’s injury is problematic, but what better way to teach yourself how to play without him than to schedule a park game with Vincent Street Ministry’s home school JV team? Wait, there’s a way even better than that. Play the Jets. I won’t waste another key stroke.

Chargers vs Chiefs

Whyyyyyy? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy? Miss Celie would not approve. My two favorite QB’s not named Flacco going head to head? So I actually have to tighten up and really look at some other team’s stats and stuff? Umm… Nahhhh. The Chief’s defense is good, but Phillip Rivers is better. Phillip! Phillip! Phillip!

G-men vs Cowboys

I think Cruz’s injury probably broke a few spirits in the New York camp. One player said he couldn’t get Victor’s screams out of his head. That’s serious psychological business. Then on top of that, the Cowboys are the hottest team in the league right now. Hopefully if they win a few more games they can make enough money to take a up a collection and buy that Randle guy some drawalz. Boxers or briefs for the win.

49ers vs Broncos

Booooooooo. We love you Q! Boooooooooo.

Panthers vs The Pack

I’m not sure if Green Bay needs to relax on this one. I mean isn’t discount double checks bag of tricks almost empty? You can’t win games like that every week. Sometimes you just have to be the better executing team. And while Green Bay has the better QB, his supporting cast bothers me. Carolina in a nail biter.

I left someone out I’m sure. Like the Bears and the Dolphins. I haven’t watched a single Miami snap this season and I don’t plan to start now. The Skins are playing someone or other and I’m sure that A. they will lose and b. the best part of the game will be Snyder leading 3 members of the Mattaponi tribe into his box to let the world know that he’s still an unapologetic nincompoop. One more thing…. Say it with me everyone.

RAVENS!