By shelz

While week 13 was splendid for the Ravens, it did prove challenging for some other folks. Tomlin’s footwork was checked to the tune of one huuuundred thooouuusand dollaaaars (in my best Dr. Evil voice).  Vernon Davis learned he should never, EVER, leave his cup in the locker room and the entire Saints team was forced to spend  an extra night at the scene of their own murder due to the little plane that couldn’t. It’s definitely December in the NFL.

The Ravens started Thanksgiving day tied with like 168 teams for the AFC 6 seed and finished with sole possession despite Mike Tomlin’s desire to resurrect Soulja Boy’s Superman on the sideline. I think the fallout has been ridiculous and if the refs had just called the penalty, he wouldn’t have to bear the disgrace of the .gif guild.  The one with him on the Auburn sideline though…

Anyway, enough of last week.  Let’s look into week 14.  There is some critical snit going on.

Steelers vs Dolphins

A Steeler win would alleviate some of the pressure the Dolphins are putting on the Ravens. Then again, a Steeler win would effectively make them the ones applying the pressure.  Out of respect for Big Ben, I’ll take my chances with the Dolphins. Besides, I don’t think the Steelers will win anyway. The O-line is so depleted, they’ll be suiting up cardboard cutouts of players this week.  Then there is the Mike “I make more money than your QB” Wallace situation.  Ike Taylor once said the Steeler secondary wasn’t afraid of any other speedy NFL receivers because they practiced regularly with the speediest of them.  Can’t wait to see those words bite Ike Taylor in his hiney.  Dolphins win the upset.

Ravens vs Vikings

I don’t think I’ve written a word about the Vikes all season.  I’ve had no reason to.  Baltimore’s run D is good some days and not good others.  With Adrian Peterson at the Big Bank, they will need to make sure it’s the former.  I’m not impressed with Ponder, who should be back after his concussion.  If he isn’t, it will be Matt Cassel, but that’s not a serious upgrade. Plus the Vikings like to choke on the long ball.  Ravens at home won’t be defeated by spoilers.  Nope.  Baltimore by seven. Maybe more if there’s a Dennis Pitta sighting.

Jags vs Texans

MMQB ran a story about some NFL players’ detestation of Thursday Night Football recently.  In a league that’s all about player safety, the players believe this is one of the least safe parts of their job.  I hate Thursday night games too, but that’s just because they tend to stink.  Jags are a different team than they were in September, while Houston is the same team I knew they were all along.  Jags FTW.

Bengals vs Colts

T-Rich is a bust.  Reggie Wayne is a hobblit and sucking for Luck has turned into Luck sucking. Show some backbone Indianapolis and stop making your owner look like a moron for suggesting Peyton is too old to earn hardware. Your head coach beat cancer, you can at least beat Red Rover and his band of tiggers.  (I still say they need tails on their uniforms.) Get it together Indy. Colts by a field goal.

Browns vs Pats

Cleveland is a true story of balance.  Josh Gordon is turning into a gem and Jordan Cameron is awesome, but the cast of characters who have been charged with throwing to them this year are all hurt or horrible or both. It doesn’t get any more yin yangy than that. If some youtube sensation (or Caleb Hanie) beats Brady, the Pats don’t deserve to play in January. If Weeden beats them, they don’t deserve to play the rest of December. Pats take this one because any other outcome would disturb the leagues chi.

Lions vs Eagles

Foles is looking all franchisey, while the Lions have morphed into a football version of the bad news bears.  But doesn’t that raggedy squad of misfits always come out victorious in the end?  I pick the Lions every week to win and they reward me by … well… not winning.  So maybe if I pick them to lose, they will pull this out. Lions lose … wink.

Panthers vs Saints

Can Cam handle Drew Brees on his own turf?  Can Steve Smith smack talk Ryan’s D into submission?  Can someone besides Jimmy Graham score some points? Not only are the Saints coming off short rest, they had to pitch tents on Seattle’s airport floor until they could hitch a ride home. Brees can be dismissive about his road woes if he wants.  This isn’t 2009 and the Saints need this game or they might end up one and done in the playoffs. So who wins?  Not them.  Panthers leave the Superdome with the lead in the NFC South.

Seahawks vs 49ers

The 49ers possession of one of my favorite Ravens of all time is enough for me to seethe when I see them all smiley smiles on the sideline.  I prefer the Keaperscowl and I plan to get a heavy dose of it Sunday. Hawks are going to stomp a mud hole in that squad.

Jets vs Raiders

Geno Smith is so bad it’s not even funny anymore.  My heart goes out to this kid. I guess getting booed at the draft by the Jets faithful was a sign of the dark cloud that would hover over him, but I didn’t think it would end up like this. Does Sanchez still look bad New York? Ummm yeah, he kinda does.  Raiders win because no one should lose to the Jets.

Bills vs Bucs

The Bills lost to the Falcons last week.  I think the last nail is in. Rainey is going to make you feel better about dropping a really good running back for him on your fantasy squad and Glennon will continue to make Schiano’s end justify his means.  These dudes are playing so well you even forgot they had the cooties and that’s saying something. Bucs pick up yet another win.

Falcons vs Packers

Aaron Rogaaas is a damn fine man with that big ole 70’s ‘stache.  I didn’t like it at first, but it ratchets his masculinity up something fierce. It’s a shame all of that newly found testosteroniness won’t be displayed on the field. Not that it matters; the Falcons still aren’t going to win.

Chiefs vs Skins

Even if Houston and Hali wheel themselves onto the field they should be able to get through the Skins offensive line.  Look for another afternoon of defenders not helping RG3 up from the dirt. This is a damn shame in the making.

Titans vs Broncos

I think someone, somewhere said the Titans were contenders for the AFC 6 seed.  Not anymore.

Rams vs Cards

I really like the Rams, but I don’t like them on the road against the Cards. I like the Cards red on red unis even less, but that’s not what we are here to talk about. Arizona wins at home.

Giants vs Chargers

I don’t believe in Eli, but I’m all in with Phillip Rivers. He makes plays as well as he makes babies and this Sunday will be no different against the Giants struggling defense. Chargers win with Phillip Rivers leading me to fantasy supremacy.

Cowboys vs Bears

The Bears are deplorable against the run and the Cowboys have a healthy Demarco Murray.  The Cowboys defense is going to be seeing the league’s best receiver tandem in Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffrey.  This is going to be a game with a lot of points, but there’s no way Murray doesn’t scorch this sickly defense until they’re ashes.  At least the Lions hope so. Cowboys make it happen.

Should the Steelers have to give up a draft pick?  No.  It’s almost like the organization is being penalized for the refs not doing their jobs.  But it won’t keep me from laughing about it. Bwa…ha………… ha.

RAVENS!