By shelz.
You’re not going to get apologist nonsense or angry, rabid fan rants in this column. It is what it is and I’m down for my team regardless of how horribly they perform. I can totally say Baltimore sucks without venom. And right now, they do. Until they are mathematically eliminated though, there is still hope.
The Ravens are playing Cincinnati at the Big Bank this week and that should subdue some anxiety in the flock of followers as The Ravens have been on the road more often than not for the past 4 weeks.
Right now, it’s the only silver lining I can find so I’m rolling with it. Last week in the NFL was some nonsense on a sh1t ton of fronts. The Saints let the Jets fly away with a win. Nick Foles pulled some history out of his @ss and the Browns became official “contenders.” All of this is wrong; so very wrong, but the season waits for no man and week 10 is hours away. Can Ozzie and company fix the sinking ship? Umm… yes?
Ravens vs. Bengals
Both the Ravens and the Bengals play like shyt on the road. So this game will go to the home team. Like I told you, this is all I have.
Prediction: Ravens in a blow out because I keep hope alive like Jesse. Do it for Eugene Monroe(that dude hasn’t been able to celebrate a win since early 2012)! Do it for the fans! Do it for the Gipper!
The rest of the NFL is playing too, so let’s take a look as some other match ups. Of course at this point in the season I will suggest that the Browns, Jets, Chargers and Dolphins are going to lose every week. No one respects the back in, but the important word in that phrase is “IN!” Fluck your football morals. Let’s go.
Tampa vs Miami
Wasting away again in MRSAville? Two lineman; one cup? This is a noxious matchup. I’d say Miami plays lights out to defend their brand on Sunday, but I’m not sure how the coaching staff offering up Incognito to the NFL gawds as a sacrificial lamb is going to sit with the players. Can’t call it from a logical standpoint. But I can call it from a Ravens fan standpoint. GO BUCS!!!!!!
Prediction: Fins play as best they can while some seethe under their helmets and other breathe a sigh of relief. It would be enough to handle the Bucs if Tampa hadn’t seen signs of their own life last week. I believe Tampa can pull this off. Miami’s offensive line wasn’t that great with Incognito, so with the backup (whoever that is) there should be plenty of pressure. And Tanney Hill doesn’t like that. Here’s your upset, if you want to call it that.
Steelers vs Bills
The Patriots hung a sweet 55 on the Steelers defense last week. How many TD’s is that? My math skills are ass. Where’s my abacus? That one game more than paid for my NFL rewind. It’s just the gift that keeps on giving.
But that was last week and this Sunday the black and gold face the newly minted knee of EJ Manuel and his group of triage homies. It should be an easy one for the Steelers, but they are having a bitch of a time shutting down the run and they were emasculated last week. The mental is prolly shot for this group.
Prediction: I could say Steelers win because I have a heart and Swaggin looked like he was about to cry on the sideline last week. Or maybe they lose to the Bills and I devote this entire column to them next week. Hmmm… I think I prefer the latter. I got jokes for days.
Broncos vs Chargers
I expect that Phillip Rivers will be able to puncture the Broncos defense enough for the Chargers to score some points. But he won’t keep up with Papa Peyton and his receivers.
The Chargers D also has no answer for Knowshawn Moreno …or Montee Ball…or Julius Thomas… or the equipment Manager. They can watch film of the Colts game all they want, they don’t have the human resources to pull that off.
Prediction: Bronco Smurf gets stuck in that snow globe for real and still has receptions in the double digits. Demariyus Thomas starts handing out wings at half time. Phillip Rivers comes out a winner in fantasy again this week. In real football, not so much. Denver by a lot.
Falcons vs Seahawks
I said I wasn’t going to do it. I did, but how bad are the Seahawks on the road? Almost as bad as the Falcons are at home. So, as usual, Atlanta has a chance.
But, Seattle has a great o-line and the Falcons have no pass rush. Seattle has Marshawn Lynch and the Falcons s*ck at stopping the run. Then on top of that they have no run game of their own right now. Believe it or not, they are worse than the Ravens and well… that’s pretty bad.
The Hawks are going to blitz the bejesus out of Matt Ryan and his protection is at best subpar. Okay maybe Atlanta doesn’t have a chance.
Prediction:
This won’t end well. That will be all.
Lions vs Bears
The Lions have a QB and the Bears don’t. The Lions have Calvin Johnson and the Bears don’t. The Lions have two weeks of rest and the Bears don’t. Plus that Detroit blitz game is going to get to McCowan. Bet on that. This one seems obvious, right? Except… The Lions can’t stop the run. And that’s a problem with Matt Forte looming.
If the Bears get the ground game in gear and control the time of possession, the Lions might be in trouble. And someone, somewhere said there is a chance Cutler returns Sunday.
Prediction: Too many ifs for Chicago right now and the common sense pick is Detroit. But yall know I have no sense. Bears by a field goal. At some point they will have to account for firing Lovie Smith. At least in my mind they do.
Titans vs Jags
You know what? I forgot all about the Titans. The Ravens need them to lose too. And this week they have the Jags, a team that obviously has no intentions of winning a game this year. Maybe they could trip and fall into a win? Maybe the Titans could get lost on their way to their own stadium?
Maybe Bernard Pollard could commit a penalty that’s so egregious, the NFL stops the game and hands Jacksonville the win? Maybe? It could happen.
Prediction: Tennessee’s hella feisty defense is going to eat Jacksonville alive. They may want to bench MJD just to keep him safe. Or they can just give him to Baltimore. That seems to be where the rest of their desirables end up.
Pack vs Eagles
Philly’s performance is a ridiculous roller coaster ride. They go from looking like shyt on a stick to amazing in 6 days. Which means this week they will probably go back to looking like shyt on a stick. Discount double check is gone till December and how many times have we seen him put that whole team on his back and carry them to victory? More than the other 52 players would like to admit, I’m sure.
Prediction: I don’t really care about this game. Seneca Wallace looks pretty good in his uniform but that won’t help the Pack win. Eagles on top because Green Bay has to be in some kind of mourning right now.
Panthers vs 49ers
There will be no superman shirt ripping going on this week. All those bullskit, off the mark passes Cam likes to throw won’t hit the grass against the 49er defense. I’m no fan of Kaeperniscam, but his defense is going to handle the duties this week. The Panthers front seven won’t give the 49er offense carte blanche either, but they aren’t ready for San Fran’s offense.
Prediction: 49ers win and I cry a river as I watch wearing my Boldin jersey. The black and purple one.
Saints vs Cowboys
I always have that one game that I think will produce basketball numbers and I’m always wrong. But I’m going to keep trying until I get it right. So here we go, the offensive eruption of the week. The Cowboys defense give up yards after yards after mutherfluckin yards; week after week after mutherflukkin week. And the Saints defense while much improved under Ryan’s tutelage will have a hard time with Bryant, Whitten and Murray because everybody does. Anywho, can Dallas put a Cowboy boot on the Saints neck? Nope.
Prediction: Saints defense slows Cowboys offense down just enough to win, but plenty of points will be scored on both sides before they can. (Watch, the score will be 3-6. L)
I guess that’s it, football fans. Some seriously good games on tap for the weekend. Now I’m going to go do something with my sad ass fantasy team before I drop 3 straight like my sorry ass favorite real team. If you are as old as me, you have probably seen Spike Lee’s School Daze. If you aren’t familiar, google the speech Ozzie Davis gave to the football team before the homecoming game then imagine Harbaugh in Davis’ place. That’s where we are Ravens fans. That is where we are.
RAVENS!
