By shelz.
For the last three weeks I’ve been depending on lesser teams to do the Ravens dirty work; quoting Hemingway and Dickinson and waxing philosophical about the death of the Steelers season. But the Bills, Lions and Browns have all failed miserably. So instead of the Steelers limping into the Big Bank as cellar dwellers only to be bitch-slapped into the sub-basement by the Ravens, these dudes are running in as contenders and one of the last obstacles between Baltimore and the 6th seed.
Almost everyone in the AFC is still in the post season hunt. But seriously though, who else should be fighting for the last slice of pizza? It appears AFC North royalty is desperately attempting to right the early season wrongs. Hell, at this point, it wouldn’t shock me in the least to see Cincy free fall and the Ravens and Steelers represent the AFC in the playoffs as the 4th and 6th seeds. It’s not what I dreamed of when the Steelers started their season as one of the worst teams in the league, but dreams don’t always come true.
Anyway, enough of what I hoped would happen. Let’s look at what will. Per me.
Ravens vs Steelers
Before you start thinking about how awesome Pittsburgh has been looking, please refer back to the list of teams they have played recently. One with no offense, one with no defense and one with Brandon Weeden. And don’t let last week’s 27-11 score against the Browns fool you. The Ravens gave up approximately 220 yards of offense to the Jets. The Steelers gave up approximately 250 yards of offense to Josh Gordon.
Prediction: Ravens rarely lose at home. The Steelers are playing musical chairs on defense due to injuries. Brown will be bracketed all to hell and Swaggin can’t handle Torrey Smith, Marlon Brown and Jacoby Jones at the same time. Ravens win. Yup.
Nothing else really matters this week, but it would be a short piece if I didn’t acknowledge that there are other teams in the NFL playing. Let’s go.
Bengals vs Chargers
The Chargers offense is nothing to play with. Phillip Rivers may very well be playing the best season of his life. The Bolts managed to beat the Chiefs and their #1 ranked defense in a shootout last week and little red riding hood has been looking almost as bad as Geno Smith recently. Cincy is coming off a bye but it’s going to take more than a week of rest to fix whatever is wrong with Dalton.
Prediction: Phillip Rivers had almost 50 fantasy points last Sunday and that Dalton/Green combo hasn’t been all that productive recently. Cincy’s defense is still strong, but I don’t think they can handle San Diego’s hot streak. Bengals drop another as Ravens move to within one game of the divisional leaders.
Patriots vs Texans
Last week, the Pats beat the Broncos. Last week, the Texans lost to the Jaguars. Moving on.
Falcons vs Bills
Well, I don’t know who is going to watch this game, but it won’t be me. The Cellar Dweller Bowl might not even be televised. I don’t know what to say. The Bills are ass. But are they more ass than the Falcons? Not with Super Mario on board. Look for Buffalo’s pass rush to strike early and often. Good luck Matty Ice. You are going to need it.
Prediction: Atlanta fans started coppin pleas weeks ago. Hopefully this loss will render them speechless.
Saints vs Seahawks
This game is in Seattle. The Saints aren’t great on the road even when playing shit teams and now they have to deal with the 12th man…oh and Marshawn Lynch. I say Seattle’s offensive line makes life miserable for Ryan’s front seven and Beast Mode easily tops 100 yards.
Prediction: Not enough Dayquil in the world to get Brees and company through this. I don’t even think it will be close. Seahawks FTW.
Jets vs Dolphins
Rex Ryan says no way in hell he pulls Smith for Phil Simms’ seed. At the rate he’s going though, Geno might just bench himself. The Dolphins won’t be able to run the ball, so that will give Reed another opportunity to prove he’s not washed. With Tanney Hill recoiling in horror at the least amount of pressure, I think Ed plucks one out of the sky this week.
Prediction: Say I’m crazy all you want, but the Jets defense wins this game. I don’t know why I’m saying this, but I am.
Broncos vs Chiefs
Let’s see. The Chiefs are on a 2 game losing streak and Houston and Hali are hurt. Peyton’s ankle turned into a non-issue, but Kansas City might even be a worse road visit than Seattle. Oh and then there’s this magical funk that curses Papa Peyton every year when the temps fall. Hmmm.
Prediction: I’m not loving what I’ve been seeing from the Chiefs defense and both the ends are gimpy, which makes it even worse. The Broncos did lose on the road in the cold last week to Sir Brady, but they were hardly mollywhopped. As much as I heart Alex Smith, I don’t see him going TD for TD with the elder Manning. The Chiefs couldn’t win healthy. They definitely won’t win wounded. Broncos hand KC the broom.
Pack vs Lions
You know every week I say the Lions are going to win and every week they find some bullshit way to lose. I don’t trust the Pack without Rodgaaas. And I don’t trust Rodgaaas with that mustache, but that’s irrelevant. There is no way the Cheesehead D hangs with Stafford and Johnson. Right?
Prediction: The Lions really need to focus on stopping Eddie Lacy. If they let that little boy run all over them, they are in for a long day. But again, there should be nothing stopping Megatron from reaching the end zone on multiple occasions. If the Lions lose this one, they’re toast. Have you seen the next 3 games on their schedule? I’m just saying. Lions by a TD.
Rams vs 49ers
Now that everyone has jumped back on the Kaepernick express, it’s time for another derailment. Yes they won on Monday night but they played the Skins. Enough said.
Prediction: The Rams are finally finding the true sum of their parts. The 49ers are going to get whomped.
Panthers vs Bucs
I have been pleasantly surprised by the Bucs turn around. They have something with Glennon and should explore all options he provides them, no matter what he looks like. However, the Panthers defense is the truth and can probably handle Bobby Rainey et all. Smith vs Revis will be interesting but that TE Olsen is going to make all the difference. He better. He’s on my fantasy team.
Prediction: Life becomes a little messier for the Saints as Monday finds them tied for 1st place with a hungry Panther squad. Carolina by 14.
Eagles vs Cards
Has anyone been paying attention to what Bruce Arians and Carson Palmer have been doing in Arizona? Me neither.
Prediction: Foles is officially that dude per Chip Kelley and he’s been playing like it too. I like the Cards defense, but I like Philly’s offense more. Eagles in a nail biter.
Titans vs Colts
I told ya’ll before about Irsay’s tweet-a-thons when the Colts are losing. I hate them. Please Andrew, make it stop.
Prediction: Forget the Titans. Colts win in overtime.
Jags vs Browns
Weeden hit Josh Gordon more than a few times last week. And that was with Ryan Clarke and Troy Polamalu hovering. But I just can’t pick him to win. Not now. Not ever.
Predictions: Jags pick up another L and hand the 1st pick in the draft to the Falcons.
What else? Cowboys vs Raiders (booo) Bears vs Vikings (boooooo) Giants vs Redskins (bye!)
And if I catch you coming back my way, I’m gonna serve it to you. And that ain’t what you want to hear, but that’s what I’ll do… ~ The White Stripes – “7 Nation Army”
