By shelz.

Plenty of people think divine intervention disappeared from the Ravens playbook after 52 hung up his pads.  I disagree.  How else do you explain the Ravens pulling out that overtime win against Cincinnati? It was a miracle.  Why?

Because the Ravens offense was fucking appalling last week.

The defense however, minus SS Ihedigbo’s ridiculously backwards version of the tip drill, played inspired ball.  It was probably the unit’s best game to date. The chasm between the offensive and defensive performance is growing and starting to look like 2001.  It would be a scary development if …well you know what happened in 2001. Is that me spraying perfume on a pile of shit?  Yup. But as long as that door is still open I’m going to walk through.

This week?  It’s going to be good with a capital G.  Plenty of awesome match-ups on tap.  Thursday will start the separation process of the challengers from the chumps.  Let’s get it.

Ravens vs Bears

Yo…this McCown dude is no push over, but his O-line is.  Marshall, Jeffrey and Bennett all can snag the hell out of a pass, but that’s pretty impossible to do if the ball doesn’t get thrown because your QB is on his back with Suggs sitting on his chest.  Matt Forte…whatever. The Ravens run D is having a resurgence.  Just in case you didn’t know they have only allowed one rushing TD all year.  One. Can the Ravens offense move the ball?  Against the Bears defense?  Who can’t?

Prediction: Statement game waiting to happen. And the Ravens will do it on the road.  Yeah, I said it.

Colts vs Titans

Both squads are coming off curb stomps by lesser teams.  Or maybe we thought more of these organizations than we should have.  Locker is finished and Fitzpatrick claims the start.  The Titans defense was as flat as the world before Eratosthenes on Sunday and their QB got mugged on the field in broad daylight… Word to G Money.  The Colts should be able to bounce back and T-Rich needs to start deserving that mid-season trade hoopla he got.

Prediction: Pagano’s squad has to save face if only to prevent the wretched onslaught of Irsay tweets another loss would catalyze.  For the love of all that is holy Andrew, your boss totally floods up my feed when you lose. Colts win this one easily.

Browns vs Bengals

I’m interested in the AJ Green/Joe Haden matchup here.  If little red riding hood can get his game together, this might pan out for the Tiggers.  If not, Jason Campbell’s old ass will win another one and make me look foolish for saying he sucks.  But I’ll take it, the Ravens need the Browns to put a boot on these suckas.  Go Mr. Hankeys!

Prediction: Browns win and tighten up the AFC North like a pair of Larry Fitzgerald’s game pants.  He needs to go a size up.  Really.

Steelers vs Lions

The Steelers had this fantastical defensive performance last week, right?  But they were playing a one-kneed quarterback and a handful of skill players that checked out of the hospital right before the game.  I’m not impressed. This week they get a healthy Johnson, Bush and Bell.  Dig your hole now Pittsburgh.  The 2013 death knell tolls.

Prediction: Ike Taylor will leave Heinz field with a record 122 PI yards (I don’t really know what the record is, but he’ll double it.) The Lions will take a step closer to their first post season appearance in in 258 years and Suh will travel all the way to Chicago to pop Brandon Marshall in his mouth for saying that slick shit about the city of Detroit.

Falcons vs Bucs

Ummm…

Errr…

*Shrugs shoulders and walks away*

Prediction: For the second straight game, Bobby Rainey makes Baltimore wish they kept him.  Bucs by 14. Cuz. Well. Why not?

Raiders vs Texans

The Raiders are garbage.  Really.  They started the season with hope and have been dismal ever since.  The Texans, while not garbage, have been playing garbage ball. This is the least interesting match-up of the week.  Even the idea of the Bucs winning two games in a row, or the battle between the Bills rookie QB and who we thought would be the Bills rookie QB trumps this. But you know I never sleep on taking a shot at Houston.

Prediction: The “most balanced team in football” loses to one of the NFL’s worst.

Jets vs Bills

You know how jilted women get all fancied up when they know they will run into the man that dumped them? Like they want him to feel all sh1tty for being so dismissive.  Yeah, well I see that happening this weekend when Geno takes on EJ.  Smith won the first meeting.  The sweep would make his year I’m sure. Plus some guy named Ed Reed is wearing Green and White these days. Go figure.

Prediction: Geno Smith channels depressed, single women everywhere when he shows the Bills what they missed out on.  Cue the Keyshia Cole.

Panthers vs Patriots

Panthers D is certified.  Luke Kuechly is a beast  and the Patriots have had their struggles on offense. Their run defense isn’t all that great either and Deangelo Williams has been crossing folks out of their shoes recently.  The X factor here is Cam Newton.  If bad Cam shows up, the Panthers have no chance.  If killa Cam shows up, the Pats are in trouble.

Prediction: Brady has Gronk and Amendola.  Then there is Ridley and Dobson and the return of Ben Vereen’s nephew. He’s not really Ben Vereen’s nephew. And Cam probably can’t throw a ball through a hanging tire consistently  to save his mom’s life. The Panthers are the sexy pick here, but I’m not falling for the banana in the tail pipe anymore.  The Falcons taught me better.  Patriots win in a close game.

Eagles vs Skins

The Eagles Foles led offense is on fire.  Week after week the Skins defense gets torched.  Not that the Eagles defense is kickin @ss, but they are better than DC.  Only thing that might hamper an Eagles victory is that DC run game, but I really don’t think that will be enough.

Prediction: Nick Foles puts Mike Vick to bed and the rosiness returns to Chip Kelly’s cheeks.  Donovan McNabb is going to have a field day with this game Monday morning as well he should.

Chargers vs Fins

I have a hard time discounting Miami’s defense.  I just do.  But the Chargers are still in the AFC wild card hunt and they need this win. Yet another game I’m picking this week that goes against the grain, but I like Miami here.  They would want to put everyone on notice that they aren’t going to be the easy touch for the rest of the season.  It’s going to be an uphill battle as Rivers is performing well this year, but this squad is too talented to just roll over and die.

Prediction: Fins win!

49ers vs Saints

See.  Now everyone wants to jump on the one read Randy bandwagon.  How long has Planet Ill been telling you this dude’s progressions are ass? (Since right around his first start last year, just in case you can’t remember).  You know when Trent Dilfer, the only QB in history fired right after he won the Superbowl, one of the most sympathetic commentators ever, is saying you suck, then you suck. Keaperscam can take to Twitter to fuel his fire all he wants, Drew Brees is going to son this dude.

Prediction: Planet Ill loves Alex Smith and wants his dismissal avenged.  The Saints are just pawns in our evil plan. Sorry Anquan, but you have become collateral damage. Saints by as many points as possible.

Clash Of The Titans… I guess. Chiefs vs Broncos

There is a lot here that I’m not going to detail including Manning’s injury and the Chiefs schedule.  This game is for all the divisional marbles and both teams will surely be playing lights out. But as I said earlier, Planet Ill hearts Alex Smith.  Tamba Hali is going to wreck shop and Jamaal Charles is going to have a career day. I might want the Chiefs to win more than I want the Steelers to lose.  True story.

Prediction: How fitting would it be for Alex Smith to carry this team to victory in the same week the 49ers go down in flames.  Awesome.  Someone wake up the 72 Dolphins.  Shit is fitna get real.  Chiefs by a touchdown.

K.. that’s it.  There are some other games on tap like the Cards and the Jags (no one was fooled last week Jacksonville) and I think the cheese heads are playing.  But without Aaron Rogers, does anyone care?

One more thing.  I’m taking up a collection to fund a one day Ravens contract for Ed Reed so he can retire a Raven.  He was passed on waivers became a free agent until he got reunited with Sexy Rex and the Jets. If you would like to donate, let me know. We all know this Jets thing won’t work out.

WE LOVE YOU ED!!!!!!

RAVENS!