By shelz.
So, Vegas has a 9 point spread attached to the Ravens/Broncos game with the black and purple on the losing end of that prediction. Even against the Broncos hobbled defense, Baltimore is going to lose by 9 points? So I guess if Chump, I mean, Champ Bailey and Dan Koppen weren’t injured and if Von Miller’s pee wasn’t cloudy (I guess the drugs make him cut his hair like that) and if Elvis hadn’t left the building, the Ravens would be 87 point underdogs. Whatever. Peyton deserves to lose solely for that rap video he and Eli made. Horrifying.
What do I think, you ask? I think Joe Flacco starts on the road to proving he’s worth all that money and I think Rahim Moore smacks at everything within three feet of him like a meth head in the middle of one of those bugs-are-crawling-on-me delusions. However, what’s the haps with the Ravens secondary?
To win this game, Ravens have to bench Jimmy Smith. Don’t even let his ass fly to Denver. Don’t rush the house, let dudes drop back. Denver’s run game isn’t spectacular and Knowshon gets no yards (seriously, wtf kinda name is Knowshon?). Suggs and Dumervil have to pressure as much as possible and someone needs to lock Welker in a basement closet. Ibeghi… Ibwegdhi…I be whatever his name [Ihedigbo] is needs to step way the fuck up. Pollard is gone (he’s going to be missed more than Boldin) and you are now officially the mid field enforcer homey. There you go. Ravens win.
There are some other games happening later this week. Unless they involve teams in the AFC North not called The Ravens, all of which I want to lose in wretched fashion, I don’t really care what happens. But I’ll touch on them anyway because I have space to fill here.
Saints vs Falcons
If you live anywhere near the Atlanta Metro area, which damn near extends to New Orleans per these goofy @ss politicians down here, you know this game is some serious stuff. Maybe the Falcons should get these two churches they are trying to evict on the cheap to be in their “Rise Up” commercials. Lord knows with Sean Peyton back, the Falcons don’t need anyone’s congregation praying against them. I’d love to say the Falcons are going to win just to keep the peace in my house, but I’m just not a fan of the Falcons defense. Actually, the Saints D has been looking a little asstastic as well. But a shootout between Ryan and Brees is a no brainer.
Prediction:
New Orleans wins and I spend the next week acting like I care.
Panthers vs Seahawks
So because the Panthers 3rd string was able to beat the Ravens’ and the Steelers’ 3rd string, sports guys around the country have decided that the Panthers’ first string can beat Seattle’s first string? Right. Look, I know they are loaded on defense this year, but Carolina still has to put up real points to beat the Seahawks and watching Newton in preseason leads me to believe that unless the Carolina D scores half of them for him, it’s just not going to happen.
Prediction:
Seattle wipes the field with Carolina and Newton spends entire game dressed as Clark Kent.
Packers vs 49ers
The only things I know about Green Bay are that Clay Matthews isn’t as cute as he thinks he is and they have a whiny ass quarterback. I don’t even know if I’ve ever watched a Green Bay game. What for? They never play the Ravens. But I keep hearing this Rogers guy might have some potential. They will need every ounce of it to beat the 49ers on Sunday.
San Francisco allegedly has the best defense in football right now. Green Bay? Not so much. If I wasn’t so adamant about Kaepernick backsliding, I’d call this a lopsided score fest. But since discount double check does better on the field than he does in his commercials, I’ll take San Fran wins, but not by much.
Prediction:
San Fran pulls the game out in the final seconds. Rogers decides Kaepernick won because he’s taller.
Bucs vs Jets
Finally…Finally and Finally! I get some Revis Island in my life. Josh Freeman sucks, but anyone that loses to the Jets has to walk the hash mark of shame and I think young Mr. Freeman has just enough pride to not let that happen. Unless the Jets run the ball all day. I mean they do have Chris Ivory. Sigh. Who am I kidding? The Jets are a cesspool of atrociousness.
Prediction:
Tampa wins by like 60 points. It would be more if they had a real quarterback.
That’s pretty much it. I see the Pats have the Bills this week and if you know like I know, the Bills are good for handing Brady the business. Now they might have a real quarterback. If you wanna call for an upset, this is a good one. And no, I don’t call the Ravens topping the Broncos an upset because those folks in Vegas are smoking what Miller is holding. Till next week.
RAVENS!
