By shelz.
This episode is brought to you by the colors black and purple because the Ravens Redux are going to kick your teams ass this year.
Well the first pre-season and most meaningless week of football is in the books. Can you make heads or tails of what your team will look like in September? Of course not. Each franchise is carrying about 3625 players right now, but it’s nice to see glimmers of structure as the dust gets knocked off your team. And some got knocked harder than others. Highlights, low lights and lights out from week one; follow me.
Philly Needs To Troll The Jail Cell In Its Stadium’s Bowels For a Defense.
Cary Williams, who moved from Baltimore to Philly in the great Raven migration of 2013, found out that Philly’s defense might suck this year because they are a bunch-o-bitches. Turns out while the Eagles and Patriots cohabitated in Philly’s training facility last week, the Pats brought their bully mentality to the field and the Eagles got punked on their own grass. Unacceptable. After being uninvited from practice for getting into a tiff with some Pats player Williams had this say.
It definitely would have been a different situation if it was in Baltimore. It wouldn’t have been a fun practice for the patriots, I can tell you that.
Exactly. I guess the fans are harder than the team.
Bernie Kosar Fucking Hates Kellen Clemons, and Sorta Hates His Receivers
There was some stock footage of Kosar interviewing Jim Brown running during this story on the NFL channel. It’s not related to this situation, but I can’t help but imagine what a light, happy, chuckle fest that conversation was. Anyway, Bernie Kosar during the Browns/Rams game broadcast spent a few minutes explaining in detail why he hates Kellen Clemens and he left no stone unturned. Ex-Browns are really some hateful bastards.
I know Kosar is a Cleveland legend, but there should be some kind of curmudgeon test they give these guys before they let them blab on for 3 hours during games. Did you notice how Kosar’s homie in the booth pulled a Mike Meyers, letting him roll with his disdain fest while the ship sank on live TV? Hot mess.
Then to make the mess an even steamier pile of nonsense, Peter King suggested that Kosar was drunk. Cleveland fans jumped to Kosar’s defense, suggesting he wasn’t responsible for his own words because he caught one too many concussions back in the day, effectively degrading Kosar to a grumpy grampy who needs guiding to the gray mobile potty at halftime. King called shenanigans on the defense. I call shenanigans on it all. However, it’s probably the most entertaining a Browns game has been in some time.
The Relationship Between Baltimore and Indianapolis Grows Even More Incestuous
The Ravens just signed Brandon Stokley and Dallas Clark? Well alright. Its not a response to the Boldin loss as much as it’s a response to the Pitta/Dickson loss, but I’m not mad. Stokley is always in monstrously good shape and has some of the most sure hands in the business. I know hes a relic, but I think 3rd and 4 might be a small niche he can still fill. Both worked under Caldwell in Indy, so they aren’t strangers to their OC or his style. But since the Ravens are on a sweep of really old ex-Colts why didn’t they see if Marvin Harrison is available?
Victor Cruz Snatches Polamalu’s Contused Birth Certificate and Salsas All Over It
I still can’t believe Tomlin said that. It’s my favorite nonsense quote of the preseason so far. And to beat out Rex Ryan for that honor is something special. Anyway, bask in the beauty of soup boy side stepping Troy’s head and shoulders for his first touchdown of the season. I will.
Brian Banks Gets Field Time With The Falcons
I’m not even going to be a smart ass with this one. It’s most definitely the feel good moment of the week. Brian Banks, the guy who was locked up for a rape he didn’t commit as he was climbing the high school ranks to NFL stardom took the field at the GA Dome a good ten years after he should have. It was nice to watch, albeit bittersweet. He’s probably one of the faces that will be whittled out of the Falcons Superbowl run equation, but for full circle you can’t do much better.
Anywho. I’ve gone on enough. When I return we will take a look at Peyton in the pistol (like the AFC needs that sh1t), how Miami is fairing in their quest to unseat the Pats from the head of the AFC east table and what the fluck is going on in Jacksonville. That quarterback they have is just awful. Word to Bernie Kosar.
