By shelz.
Since football is this massively dangerous blood sport kind of thing and people have been known to crack a skull or rib, I understand why the Pro Bowl is what it is. No one wants to go into the off-season nursing an injury sustained in the most meaningless game in the universe.
In this year’s version of NFL powder puff, defenders didn’t really defend, but the AFC’s offense managed to offend, keeping Larry Platt in business with a shit load of passes on the ground. JJ Watt tried to single-handedly keep the Pro Bowl in business by bleeding all over his jersey.
It’s not the NBA or the MLB All-Star events where people can still put on a real game façade. It’s safe fun in the Hawaiian sun so you can forget about the fact that you couldn’t take down the underdog fourth seed that’s riding a biblical wave of clutch performances to football Nirvana (Hint R____ns). At least that’s what it is for the Broncos, who showed up and were immediately targeted by Michelle Tafoya’s sympathetic, yet strangely passive-aggressive line of questioning about their last game of the season. She’s a Ravens fan. I can tell.
“I know you still cry yourself to sleep at night Coach Fox, but can you pull yourself together long enough to tell me about how it feels to win 11 games in a row just to lose to the Ravens by utilizing your hella conservative, play-like-a-bunch-o-bitches playbook in OT? Wow. Your eyes are so puffy. I have some Visine if you’d like.”
Okay, she didn’t really say that, but it felt like she did.
I don’t really know what else happened. I found something better to do somewhere in the 2nd quarter and returned in time to watch the AFC turn the ball over like 8 times in 52 seconds. Whatever. I know Marquis Pouncey was one of the few players with balls enough to make a Super Bowl prediction and he said he wants Ray Lewis to win. Not the Ravens really, just Ray Lewis. Close enough.
It might be the Pro Bowl’s last year. The feedback hasn’t been great recently and I think it’s fan and media sour grapes. They aren’t going to like faux play. Why? It’s cute and cuddly. No one suggests we should get rid of the puppy bowl or the lingerie bowl or that dumb beer can bowl. Stop bitchin because you can’t afford to go to Hawaii. Anyway…some other stuff.
Poor Alex Smith
How do you not feel bad for this guy? He’s going to get dealt to some underachieving mess of a team after being a huge contributing factor to the 49ers’ Super Bowl run. Think he hopes Kaepernick goes down in a heaping helping of purple flames? Probably not, but I do. Maybe he should buy a house with a moat. I hear it’s a great catharsis for dejected qb’s.
52
Where should I begin? As a Ravens fan, I always squirm when Ray Lewis lingers in the spotlight. There is too much baggage that folks can interject when given the proper entrance. It has been overwhelming. Deer antlers and SNL skits and church meetings…sigh. I love Ray but I’ll be glad when Sunday comes. I’m looking forward to the Super Bowl squirrel dance remix.
Randy Moss Is The GOAT?
Jerry Rice has aged so well. He makes me want to buy a suit. What does that have to do with Randy Moss and his claim that he’s the best receiver of all time? Nothing. I don’t know if he’s the best or not, but I do know he doesn’t fill out a 3 piece like that Rice guy.
Culliver and Flacco Missed The Media Classes?
I’d ask if they give these guys media training, but I know they do. Chris Culliver and Joe Flacco just forgot what they learned. It’s pretty simple. Retarded is now profanity, which in my estimation is well… pretty retarded, but you can’t say it anymore. Also, saying anything about gay people is frowned upon until the mics are turned off. Unless it’s something nice. That’s also retarded and is in most cases hypocritical, but whatever. Check the links here. I’m not going to elaborate. That would be gay and retarded.
Ravens!
