By shelz.
The NFL playoffs really bring out the most needless stat pieces.
“So in conclusion, as you can see per my 11 pie charts, this team has lost 4 games in a row when sunset is scheduled for 6:31p in Dubai and a Law and Order marathon runs without commercial interruption on TBS.”
Whatever. One stat that stuck this weekend though,(amongst the myriad that didn’t,) was that football Jesus can walk on water, but sinks when it ices over. Go figure.
Manning obviously was struggling with temperature in his newly adopted, cold as shit hometown. How else do you explain the mind-boggling decision the Broncos made to run out the clock with 30 seconds and two time outs left at the end of the 4th to step into OT? They must have needed time to thaw out his neck or maybe he wanted a minute to go fire up the brick oven to get started on my veggie delight. Anyway, the rest is history and now we are down to four teams in the race for the Lombardi.
If you haven’t been keeping up, the four remaining teams are the Baltimore Ravens, the New England Patriots, The Atlanta Falcons, the San Francisco 49’ers and the Baltimore Ravens. Wait, didn’t I say Baltimore Ravens already? I sure did.
Now that I think about it, I pretty much picked all the divisional games correctly. I foresaw the destruction of discount double check, the JV squad jacket retirement ceremony and the fact that the Falcons would need to score more than two points to beat the Seahawks. It all happened. So let’s look at this week.
The Baltimore Ravens vs. The New England Patriots aka The Stripshank Redemption
No my brothers and sisters, this isn’t about steak or Morgan Freeman. This is about a collective, Monday morning, pit-of-your-stomach sickness that enveloped Baltimore a year ago after some folks who will be referred to as Mr. Strip and Mr. Shank shut down the Ravens hopes and dreams. It’s about the Ray Lewis Retirement tour booking space in New Orleans. And it’s about the fact that I’ve already ordered the 2012 to have added to my Ravens Superbowl jacket. The 2000 looks so lonely and I lost the receipt for the sew on numbers. I detest wasting money, so Ray and company have to come through.
Hopefully, the national media has taken one big group shower because I know they smell of Peyton poo after spending last week stuffed in his ass. Now it’s time to relocate to Brady’s balls. We all know with every arc of a Brady pass a unicorn receives its wings, so the media’s verbal fluffing is expected. Swing freely talking heads.
I’m going to have to disagree with you all though; not about the unicorn thing, because that might actually be true. But about the whole Ravens are going to lose thing. You said it last week. It didn’t happen. You’ll say it this week. It won’t happen. That guy from Jersey Shore broke his arm and one of the Smurfs was scooped up by Gargamel and hurt his thumb. Chicken George’s grandson needs to be accounted for and that’s going to be a challenge, but the d was looking a bit suspect against the pass. And we all know the Flacco canon is going to be full of powder. It will happen Pats fans..cough.. Odeisel…cough, the Ravens winning that is. Sorry. [ed note…smh]
The Atlanta Falcons vs. The San Francisco 49ers aka The Shit If I know, I Don’t Even Care Like That Bowl
Okay, I care a little. As an Atl-ien by way of Harm City, I’m not going to relish two weeks of harassment by these “hardcore” fans who didn’t give a rat’s ass about The Falcons five years ago and still haven’t figured out they have a basketball team that takes their snoozy, unaffected style to the playoffs. Josh who? Exactly. However, the signal for touchdown is so much more dramatic when you’re the only one doing it in a sea of grumbly Atlanta foes. Some might not even know what it means. Seriously. Then there’s Harbowl, which by the way is what I really see happening. I predict that Copernicus fellow is going to take the field with a football and a telescope and make the Falcons see stars. Corny, yes, but I’m too lazy to come up with something better. Go 49ers. I guess.
One more thing Raven Nation. People are creatures of habit. They also hate to be wrong. John Q national sports writer was sure there wasn’t any way your favorite squad was going to beat Football Jesus. It’s in the bible, Broncoians 26:3. So they are now looking to Brady to save their integrity from last week’s over-confident predictionizing. Let them do it. Then buy yourself those 2012 numbers and burn the receipt. You’ll use ‘em.
