By Liz Belilovskaya
I got engaged on Valentines Day. When you get engaged, the families are either very enthusiastic or they feel a little greasy about it. Our families were ecstatic. My fiance, Vin, proposed with his mother’s engagement ring while his sister picked out the box it came in. My divorced parents congratulated each other after a twenty-year communication boycott. Everything seemed to be going perfectly.
I was NEVER interested in a big wedding; Vin was never interested in a wedding period. For all of our eight and a half years we joked about tying the knot in a simple and super covert way. Now that we suddenly found ourselves engaged, we were concerned about exactly how we were going to pull it off and time was of the essence.
You see, Vin proposed to me primarily because he loves me but also because this year I turned 27 and became ineligible for health insurance through my mother’s employer. Being a freelance writer and PR manager for a start-up simply does not provide me with health benefits. I have certain health problems so wasting time is not ideal.
We’ve always wanted to get married and since marriage also provides us with various legal benefits such as dependant health coverage, we thought that it was a great way to accomplish goals, insurance and matrimony. Just for the record, I proposed to Vin two weeks after we first met almost nine years ago and he accepted, this was just a formality.
We decided to tell our families that we wanted to get married alone at City Hall ASAP, considering that the truth would be hard but better than eloping. To us, a legal marriage is really a contract that simply offers benefits and legal binding. A wedding is a celebration of a couple’s commitment and we wanted to have an awesome celebration in the summertime with all our friends and family present.
A few days after we got engaged, our available family members gathered for a small dinner. When we finally shared our wedding plans, things did not go over well. Immediately after the dinner, Vin and I were informed that our marriage plans were very hurtful to our families. They didn’t understand why we were so opposed to having them present as we signed the papers, especially since we held such a casual view towards the registration ourselves. I hated to admit it, but they had a point. Vin and I agreed to have only our parents and siblings come to City Hall; friends and extended family would have to wait till summer. I did like the idea of having my brother and both my parents present at the registration; it has simply been too long since I saw them happy and in the same room. Also, I am my mom’s only child andI wanted this for her.
Vin was happy having his parents and sister attend the registration as well, so we carried on with the revised plan. When you’re planning a wedding two weeks after your engagement, it is increasingly difficult to get a growing number of attendees to your event, especially before City Hall’s 4pm weekday cutoff. The way everything was unraveling, we realized that we would have to get married on a weekend, but who would marry us?
The Universal Life Church is a wonderful but strange institution. It has two criteria for membership: that you must promote religious freedom and that you always do the right thing, what ever that thing may be. I can jive with the flexible nature of this Church, since it also grants the power to administer weddings to willing members. All you have to do is pay for the shipping and handling of a package that has all your necessary ordainment documents. My best friend Masha, the thoroughly awesome sister I never had, was the first person I thought of as this idea gained momentum. “Masha, would you like to marry Vin and I,” I inquired via Google Chat. “Yes” came the response only a half a second later. In another 10 minutes she was navigating through the Universal Life Church Website compiling notes on what she’d need. One week later she was ready to marry me, Vin and anyone else in the state of New York.
Five days before the appointed day, we have someone to marry us but nowhere to get married! The Brooklyn Botanical Gardens are beautiful; too bad you can only get married from 8:00 – 9:00am (before the garden opens to the public) in one of the three sections that they deemed wedding appropriate, even if you found a small space that you like elsewhere on premises. You also have to shell out $500 dollars just to enter the garden if you have up to fifty guests and if it rains, they do not provide shelter. That’s your problem.
Over the next 36 hours I called every place I could think of, nothing was wedding appropriate. If it was the cost was outlandish. We would have had to spend all the money we wanted to use for the summer wedding celebration, now. This was devastating. The simple marriage registration that we wanted turned into a wedding nightmare that we never desired. Depressed and dejected Vin and I talked. We were stressed, unhappy and discouraged that our long anticipated plans to marry under the radar became an event that the rest of our families wanted in on, but we began to want no part of. This whole thing got out of hand and we needed to get back to our original plan. So we did the unthinkable: we called the whole thing off. Vin and I have always been in continuous love for the last nine years; none of that make up, break up stuff. No drama. We wanted to get married the same way. He proposed to me in our kitchen; he asked me directly and firmly knowing fully well how I would answer. I did not know exactly when he would ask but I did expect it. We both knew exactly how we wanted to get married.
On the evening of March 2nd, 2012, my best friend Masha married Vin and me in our living room. I wore a short purple dress; Vin wore jeans and a button down shirt. Our apartment was decorated with candles and flowers and the ceremony lasted all of an exhilarating 3 minutes after which we drank champagne in our back yard watching the fire pit. An hour later, Vin and I left to Connecticut for our getaway. It was exactly what we wanted.
Our families are dealing with our decision. Some understand why we did what we did while others don’t and are currently deeply hurt. Now, Vin and I are in the process of sorting through these various and passionate emotions as we experience our first confrontation with our extended families. As of yet, it is unclear whether we will have the summer celebration. To be continued…
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