By Single Black Female

The last seven short days my life, it seems, have taken on a life of their own. I’ve dealt with death, hurt, shadiness, pain, accomplishment and joy; too many emotions for someone who prefers to not to show the world her soft and pink side. I felt as if I was just along for the ride, and through it all, wine has become my new best friend. These are the times when being single sucks. Like Stephanie Mills I need the comfort of a man but instead of a big warm body to cuddle up with, all I have is my bottle(s) of Moscato. Sure, I could call someone over for miscellaneous quality time, but I don’t want borrowed time.

My week began with the loss of my father. Death is hard enough to deal with when you see it coming. This came out of nowhere. In the back of our minds, we always hold out hope that time will be on our side, and that we’ll get to say all that’s in our hearts. When the Reaper struck, I was left with memories and the ache that comes with wondering whether my father knew how I felt, even if the words weren’t spoken. I knew he was finally free from the unhappiness he lived with for years, but being selfish, I wanted him to stay a while longer, so I could catch up on all the hugs I still had to give; the “I love yous” I had left to say.

During my time of grief, those I held dear showed their true colors, so I had to shed those changing leaves from my tree. First it was the closest person to me; her offer to “drop everything to come be with me” was touching until I began to realize she used my misfortune to her benefit: bereavement days. We’d seen each other through silly break ups, drama and hard life lessons, so I knew she had my back. Only this time it was way back. I saw her maybe two hours the entire three days she was in town. When I had the audacity to reach out and tell her how much I needed her support, the script was completely flipped. The next thing I knew I was in an argument being chastised for not expressing how I felt and reminded that she had other things to do and people to see while in town.

Sorry, I actually thought the term “I’m coming to be there for you” was literal. Next time I’ll look between the lines for the real meaning. Like everything else, I brushed this off and drowned it with a bottle of wine. Anyone who would start a stupid, guilt-laced argument with me at a time like that wasn’t someone I wanted in my life anyway. I haven’t heard from her since but the way I see it, she did me a favor by walking away.

Then there was the ex who popped up out of the blue to say hey. We keep in touch but hadn’t seen each other in a while; mainly because his sexiness makes me weak so I make it a point to keep my distance, so there are no misconceptions. Once he was caught up on the happenings in my life he insisted on coming over. “Just want to check on you” he said. “You need to eat, let me be there for you.” I won’t lie, my guard was down, mind focused elsewhere. Maybe I’d get to exhale and fall into a deep sleep in some big comforting arms after all. Nope; I spent more time slap boxing with Mr. Touchy feely than relaxing. When he turned up the aggression it hit me he too was trying to capitalize from the situation. Did he mistakenly assume my fragile state would allow him to slip between my thighs?! (My guard was down, not off duty) I shook my head, laughed and politely told him to “get the f*ck out.”

In spite of it all, the week ended up bittersweet. It’s an amazing feeling to realize a dream and in the midst of my chaos, I made my acting debut off Broadway! My cast mates and I worked long and hard to bring “Angel in the Mirror” to the stage. We opened to a sold out audience and the Director strutted like a proud papa; pleased with our performance. Most importantly, all the heavy emotions from the week dissipated. I was prepared, focused and impressed with myself. I’d accomplished another goal and was flying high anticipating the possibilities. There was applause, flowers, even my very first fan. His mom brought him to meet me after the show, when we were done chatting he asked mom if I could come home with him (they start young don’t they-but at least he has good taste).

Life for me is about always learning and growing as a person. The past week has added color to my life and awakened sleeping senses. I won’t dwell on the disappointment from people; it’s what they do. God never lets me down, so I continue to cling to Him (just wish He’d stop sending my prayers to voice mail I need guidance down here!). Besides, I did have some great people right there on the front lines with me through it all, no talk or empty promises, just action and I love them for that. Hey, maybe The Big Man isn’t ignoring my calls, those who were there could be His way of showing me that even through the mess I’m still blessed.

Thanks for listening (err reading). Writing is my therapy and I HAD to get that out. Try it next time you’re stressed just write about it until your fingers a sore. Or write to me and we’ll work through it together…

Enough of the drama. Next week back to our regularly scheduled program have a great weekend on the planet..

RIP Daddy, I love you and hope to make you proud. P.S. can you tell God to check his voicemail 🙂

SBF