By Single Black Female

Why am I still single? It’s a question I used to be ashamed to ask. Some of those “for the love of…” shows were appalling yet I couldn’t look away. The things people did for love seemed desperate. I’d always been told “don’t look for love, let it come to you”. It never occurred to me that most of those who said that were already in relationships. Sure, leave me standing waiting to board the love train while you skip off into the sunset with you special someone. But I believed that philosophy true so I dated and waited.Then the new era of singles television emerged. No longer were people arbitrarily putting their hearts on the line. These days, love seekers are looking at self-improvement as the way to land a mate. The show that grabbed my attention first was “Tough Love,” which entailed a matchmaker giving no nonsense advice to a group of clueless beauties. He’d identify their “flaws” and over the course of a few weeks attempt to correct those bad habits in order to help them attain their true heart’s desire. There were breakdowns, denials, rebellion, fights; all the makings of good reality TV. But there was a lot of truth buried in this scripted reality. These women truly wanted to find a mate and had come to terms with the fact that maybe it wasn’t everyone else; maybe they were the cause of cupid’s oversight.

Then came, “Why Am I Still Single?” another “reality” show whose title alone got my attention. The show is typical; people go to an “expert” to find out what is keeping their true love away. This time the know-it-all is a woman who observes the way one dresses, speaks or interacts with the opposite sex to discover where they are going wrong on the dating field. Seemed simple enough, but this was a dense group too. Like the one lady who was shocked to find that showcasing her boobs on a first date is not the way to get a man to take you seriously. Or the guy who thinks nothing is wrong with talking about sex on the first date.

As I sat watching (and judging), I was hit with my own dose of reality. Dammit why am I still single? Going on the boob tube for the entire world to gawk at my singleness was not an option. I turned to my own specialist, not a stranger’s assessment but someone I trusted would give me the tough love I needed.

He was a platonic friend, and I knew from experience he wouldn’t bite his tongue. So I posed the question; “what’s wrong with me? Why am I still single?” He wasted no time with his response; “You’re picky, don’t like guys who like you, you’re demanding plus you like power, you’re not submissive enough, a man wants a woman he can be a man to.” (Whoa) I needed a glass of wine after that one, then I had some responses of my own; “What’s wrong with being picky? Should I take any guy who comes along and shows interest? I shouldn’t have standards or an idea of what I want a man to be. Demanding? Ok maybe, but in my defense, I just want what I want when I want it. I know how I want things done, and how I want to be treated.  Is that wrong?

His last point irritated me though. I hate that word “submit” when used by a man. It makes me think of caveman days when the women were clubbed over the head and dragged away. Because I was so emotionally against the word I decided to look it up. I know the definition but perhaps I was overreacting.  Dictionary.com clearly states:

Submissive-inclined or ready to submit unresistingly or humbly obedient!

The definition for submit didn’t sit well with me either; littered with phrases such as “yield to the authority of another” or “defer to another’s judgment, opinion or decision.” Wait, so now I have to bow down to a superior (in this case the man) authority in order be in a relationship? Maybe my friend wasn’t the best person to ask after all. I know plenty of strong women in relationships who are viewed as their man’s equal.  Guess it depends on the type of man in question.

What men don’t realize is that as black women some of us are used to doing it all on our own. Hey don’t judge, it’s not our fault we are left to raise the children, bring home the bacon, fry it up and clean the mess afterwards because some men don’t want or know how to deal with the responsibility. Men have to know that some of their peers are the reasons we’ve built up walls and learned to have the strength necessary to make it with the weight of the world on our shoulders.

So instead of understanding the plight of a woman and working with her to erase the negative stereotypes attached to dating (some) black men they are looking for us to automatically “submit”, give over the power that was forced on us by life, absentee fathers and heartbreakers in order to have something close to a loving, healthy union? It’s not easy to trust someone else will make the right moves or decisions for our lives when we’ve been in control for the majority of it. Apologies, I can’t speak for the group, I’ve been on my own since my late teens, have seen great women left despondent in the name of “submitting” to men who didn’t deserve a second look let alone their time and love so handing the reigns over to another human is a bit hard for me.

On the bright side my homeboy did (try to) reassure me by adding; “There is a man out there for you (oh no, not the “there’s somebody for everybody speech”) maybe he’s overweight, short or doesn’t have much money but he’s out there.” Oh great, so now my only choices are broke dwarfs? My name isn’t Snow White! I had enough; a man was the wrong person to turn to for advice. Of course he’s going to be on the side of his brothers.

Maybe I’ll start my own reality series where wives, not “experts” give advice on how to find love and make it work. It would be interesting to hear how Michelle Obama does it; a successful professional married to the most powerful man in the world while raising children. There’s got to be a better secret to it besides relinquishing “authority” to a man. With the way the Obamas look at each other they both have the power. Quiet as kept, my dream man is a handsome 6’5” stud, who can complement my life, confidently call some shots, be the fix it man around the house (and my maintenance man elsewhere) and he better not be scared of bugs! Damn I’m so demanding, oh well, guess it’s back to the drawing board. Until next time…

Sincerely yours,

SBF