By Deisey Claus

The 80’s was the last original decade. Some of the styles and the fashions made famous look silly in hindsight were very strange (air brushing Mickey Mouse on your jean jacket?) but that hasn’t stopped new millennium rip-offs from returning to the scene of the crime and co-opting those images or pop culture from snatching references for consumption without the proper context (the profit without the poverty, the coke without the bullets, etc.). The greatest thing about the decade was Hollywood.

It was the decade of the action hero. Any given week you could go to the movies (before they were 11 bucks a ticket) and watch somebody get their ass whipped. There were shootouts in downtown L.A. or the middle of Manhattan in broad daylight with no regard to property damage. Airports were blown up by mythical terrorists way before Bin Laden was dropping mixtapes.

One guy stood out among the 80s dudes for seriously brutal beatings. He wasn’t ripped like Stallone or Van Damme. He wasn’t jumping off helicopters or doing any stunts like Jackie Chan. He just walked through your hood (be it Bay Ridge Brooklyn or wherever) and beat the dog shit out of your local hoodlums.

Sometimes he was Italian. Sometimes he was a cop, other times he was trained in some random place by a Samurai or some ninja master. He was ambiguously white (you couldn’t tell where the hell he was from) and he had that sissy ass pony tail. He also ran like a girl. Steven Seagal was made of 80;s action. In movies lie Out for Justice, Above the Law and Marked for Death he was at his best, beating down hoodlums with antics and commentary that bordered on the camp

What made him so great was that he never took himself seriously. You wondered whether he was actually an Aikido master, but when you saw him breaking wrists and elbows and breaking backs all you could do was go,”Daaaamn!” They never tried to weave any love stories or add extra story or pretend like they care about cinema. Just good ol’ fashioned ass whipping. Can it be that it was all so simple then? In the spirit of Christmas (and because I was up late as hell last night laughing my ass off at this stuff) here’s a few of Steven Seagal’s greatest hits. 

“Does Anybody Know Why Richie Did Bobby Lupo?”

[pro-player width=’425′ height=’344′ type=’video’]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMu2xNBpyQc[/pro-player]

“Don’t Be A Bad Guy”

[pro-player width=’425′ height=’344′ type=’video’]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8ixgdDPufA&feature=related[/pro-player]

“What di bombaclot!” (When mall cops just don’t cut it.)

[pro-player width=’425′ height=’344′ type=’video’]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rkf2kNSUIjU[/pro-player] 

“What you doing on the floor man, he’s a punk?”

[pro-player width=’425′ height=’344′ type=’video’]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgBrYX-5sK8[/pro-player]

“Yoo what it be like homie?” (Why you should mind your own business)

[pro-player width=’425′ height=’344′ type=’video’]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjewTcfWyEU[/pro-player]

Way before Obama’s post-racial America, Steven Seagal was whupping Black White and Latino tail in a cacophony of kick ass. That’s integration at its finest.  Anyway, I’m off to the kitchen, open some gifts, play with your kids, and come back later for some reviews and more Planet Ill goodness.