By Odeisel
Friday the 13th conjures immense uneasiness from the superstitious. To some they dread the supposed harbinger of bad luck, while Generation X’ers see visions of Jason Voorhees, and his series of Friday the 13th slasher films. What if rappers were actors in slasher films? What kind of roles would they play if there were a Hip-Hop Friday the 13th movie?
You could imagine 50 Cent, fresh off his award winning comedic performance in Are You There, Shyne? It’s Jamal From Uptown playing the wise cracking camp counselor whose girlfriend comes up to visit, only to be separated while he goes to pee and gets stabbed nine times. Miraculously he survives to call the Sheriff and warn the townspeople before he passes out.
The Sheriff, of course is the irrepressible Rick Ross, whose experience in law enforcement brings a distinct and gritty realism to the role. Ross’ ability to drum up righteous incredulity at people doubting his seriousness would be key to him nailing the role. “How dare you think I can’t keep this camp safe?” Shirtless scenes provide ornate, yet unintentional comedy and possibly NC-17 rating.
Every slasher movie needs a villain and for that we have none other than Diddy behind the hockey mask. Everyone made light of his shiny suits and dancing, but his tireless never say die attitude, his viscious iron contracts, and his Ciroc driven ability to have all the counselors drunk and unaware that they are signing their lives away, make him the quintessential villain.
Nicki Minaj can play the role of the heroine. No matter how bad her acting is or how much the older cats hate her, your boyfriend would still knock it down the minute your head was turned and she just won’t stay down. Plus she has an incredibly annoying high-pitched voice and you know that makes for a great screamer. Every slasher movie needs one of those.
Lil Wayne stars as the red herring or the guy everyone thinks is the killer but isn’t. For a long time people especially Northerners looked at Weezy as big reason why Hip-Hop was “dead” but his hard work and omnipresence won them over, with a boost from Camp Counselor Cam who got NY hip to him. Who better than Wayne to throw something uncertain in the mix, particularly while we wait for his return and how he’ll bounce back from his absence?
Lil Kim stars as the leader of the mean girls. She’s got a long history in this game, she did time in the slammer, she’s always beefing with arch-nemesis Foxy, and she’s putting gum in the hair of the freshman chicks (Minaj). Plus every slasher movie needs tits and Diana Ross already made em bounce when they were itty bitty. Now that they are larger she’s in like Flynn.
What’s camp without the slacking always high wise-cracking security guard. No one is better for that role than Devin the Dude. The only problem would be getting him to remember his lines, you know short term memory loss. Who the hell keeps stealing muffins from the snack truck?
And there you have it folks, the perfect Hip-Hop cast for a Friday the 13th movie. Laughs, slashers, sex, drugs and all the real elements that make these movies fun to watch. Make sure you avoid any black cats, don’t step on any cracks, play for the Clippers or any other thing that ‘s bad luck. Peace
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