By A Negro And A Keyboard

I know this isn’t my usual day to offer my unique blend of social commentary to you, our treasured readers of Planet Ill, but there was absolutely zero chance this Negro could keep himself from going in like a Lil’ Wayne/Drake song for 5 more days after I witnessed the world’s first documented “Cablinasian”, Tiger Woods provide us (and his corporate sponsors) with the long-awaited and well-rehearsed “old’ soft-shoe” in response to his now infamous extra-marital affairs.

Using the same blueprint that Kobe Bryant made infamous after he got caught up with that concierge in Denver, Tiger strutted up to that podium, with all facial hair shaven off to remove any traces of black masculinity, apologized and with a straight-face, spoke about his “sexual addiction” and the counseling he was receiving to deal with it. In the words of rapper Maino, “Get Em’ Tiger!”

If you have ever read my personal blog, you may have seen the quite scathing discourse that I offered about this brother one night after the boys and I threw a few back, having discussed the first reports of the current issues that Tiger is now addressing publicly. However, I felt it necessary to share my thoughts within this venue.

I believe that a quote from the book, The American Directory of Certified Uncle Toms, best sums up my thoughts on the world’s #1 golfer: “Tiger can now extract himself from any connection to anyone, having become the sole citizen of the newly-established and imaginary island of Caublinasia – an island that he bought with a remarkable $60 Million worth of endorsement contracts with American Express, Titleist, Buick and Nike“.

Let me state clearly that quite honestly, my issue is not with Tiger Woods’ infidelity to his wife, as he is not the first, nor will he be the last man to violate his wedding vows. If the ex-Commander-in-Chief, Bill Clinton could get sucked off in the Oval Office by an intern and still have the juice to bring home Lisa Ling’s sister from captivity in North Korea when no one else could, why can’t Tiger bounce back? Men with power do such things on a daily basis. Tiger is human, and as such, is no better or worse than the next man.

What I do take issue with about Tiger is the sheer irony of his celebrity: the fact that the very thing that allowed his story to transcend his athletic prowess, his skin color, is the same thing that he has shamefully worked so hard to avoid by his ridiculous attempts at racial ambiguity. Now, I know that technically, on a classic episode of the Chappelle Show, blacks did in fact “draft” Tiger Woods with the first pick in “Race Draft”, but at this point, I’d be willing to trade him to caucasians, for the rights to DJ Pauly D from Jersey Shore.

I have absolutely no tolerance for the disgraceful denial of self that this man constantly perpetuates. While I do understand that Tiger is in fact also Caucasian and Asian, and even respect the fact that he does see importance in identifying with all of his ancestry, when the world sees his face, he defaults to a black man quicker than Microsoft Word does to Times New Roman and a 12-font.

This is the same Tiger Woods who once let a jackass white golfer by the name of “Fuzzy” Zoeller refer to him as “boy” when he is a grown ass man, as well as crack jokes about slowing him down with chicken and watermelon. I double dare “Fuzzy” Zoeller to say that to you or I. His new name would surely be “Bloody” Zoeller. Tiger’s response however: “I respect Fuzzy as a golfer and as a person and for the many good things he has done for others throughout his career. I know he feels badly about his remarks. We all make mistakes, and it is time to move on”. No Tiger, it wasn’t time to move on, it was time to f**k somebody up.  Being realistic about the fact you couldn’t lay hands upon that man, you could have at least use that as a platform to talk about issues related to racial pride, but no, to you its all good. Fuzzy definitely picked the right one.

Only further illustrating his deviation from reality, are the texts that one of Tiger’s (all-white) side pieces, Jaimee Grubbs, sent him, which went as far to tell this dude that he is her “FIRST, LAST, AND ONLY BLACK GUY” she has ever been with and as such, he “SHOULD FEEL SPECIAL” (As if her Avatar-looking a$$ has the blue diamond from Titanic between her legs). Making me even angrier was Tiger’s asinine response; some comment about being “Bone Thugs in Harmony” (Yo, WTF)?

Moving beyond the issue of race, I find myself quite amused with the comical issue of Tiger’s “sex addition” and his time in a sex clinic in Brett Favre’s hometown in Mississippi. Real talk, Tiger, miss me with this buffoonery! If you are already out there and the whole world knows, why not keep it 100% and say that you were just out here smashing females out recklessly and “my bad.” Now you really want people to believe you have some sort of clinical inclination to get some ass? C’mon Tiger! You can’t be serious. You only have the same addiction that every other man in the world has; some just “cope” with it differently.

This whole episode gave me a new found respect for a man I really couldn’t stand for a minute either, Kobe Bryant. At least when he had to get out there and buck dance for the world, he had the decency to just come out with it and keep it moving, which honestly, gave sincerity to his apology. Now it did cost him a $4 million ring, but I guess it’s not tricking if you got it.

At the end of the day though, I’m not crying for Tiger Woods, and you best not either. He still has tons of money, still has the wife and family, and will be back out here soon enough making Phil Mickelson the perennial, “first loser”. This obligatory walk of shame had to come sooner or later and now we will begin to move forward. The saddest part of this all is the fact that while I am sure that Tiger will clean up his image quite well publicly, I doubt this is going to change Tiger’s personality much, because it still seems as if he hasn’t fully grasped ownership of the experience that has been his life to date. It feels as though he has always and still continues with this incredulous “sex addiction” BS, to constantly externalize his issues rather than dealing with them directly.

Contrary to the old marketing campaign, I urge us all to ask ourselves not if “We are Tiger Woods”, but rather, is Tiger Woods “one of us”?

Recklessly Yours,

A Negro and A Keyboard

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