By Hot Rod! The Rowdy One

Once a year, we to bid farewell to another NFL season with the annual competition that’s known as the Super Bowl. Friends, family, and newcomers visit our humble abodes with open arms as we reflect on a football season that’s in the books with the final meaningful football game of the year. Super Bowl Sunday isn’t your average day of football. It’s a day where we pay homage to the Gods of the NFL with sacrifices of meat, bread, cheese, and beer. It is a Holy Day of Obligation to Football Fans and we worship this idol god with great honor. This is our day, New Year’s, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day rolled up into one day.  This is the original and only “Man’s Day”.

However, more and more women are following the country’s #1 sport and a few changes are need in how we celebrate Super Bowl Sunday. So I sat down with a pen, a pad, an abacus, a midget assistant by the name of “Chi-Chi” and a llama, and devised a set of rules that can make everyone’s Super Bowl Sunday, host and guest, enjoyable. For now, just look to me as the “Moses” of Planet Ill.

The 10 Commandments of Super Bowl Sunday

1. Thou shall be the best host possible
If you plan on hosting a Super Bowl Party, be the best host you can be. Plan everything you can to the tiniest detail. When figuring out the menu, make sure you account for at least two helpings per guest depending on the number of guess you have. At the same time, don’t break your wallet on it. Stay within your budget and at times, you’re allowed to cut corners. If Lay’s potato chips cost more than Utz, get the Utz. No one will know the difference. Plus, for some of these people, it’s a free meal, so they’ll most likely keep their traps shut and enjoy the food.

2. Thou shall contribute to the festivities in some way, shape or form
Never show up to a Super Bowl Party, or any party in that manner, empty handed. These people are letting you into their homes, show some gratitude. Besides, everyone pays tribute to the gods of the NFL and sacrifices are needed so that they will deliver us a good game. Whether it’s a meal you made at home or wine in a box, your contribution will not go to waste.

3. Thou shall be as prompt as possible on Super Bowl Sunday
If you want a good seat to watch the game, it is important to get to your destination as early as possible. I’m not saying that you need to be a your host’s house at 9am, but if kick-off is at 6:20pm, try to get there around 6pm. The host will appreciate the company and you’ll already have claim on where you’re sitting for the game. It’s a win-win situation.

4. Thou shall help the host as much as possible
By now, you’ve probably been in the host’s house for about an hour, give or take, so be a good lad and help out during the set-up. The clock is ticking and the host would like to enjoy the game just as much as you would. If you plan to just sit around, then keep you’re a** at home and sit around your own house, alone, eating Dinty Moore beef stew by yourself.

5. Thou shall only speak about the game when the ball is in play on the field
Look, we’re all for friendly conversation, but when the game is on, the only conversation that should take place is about the game. If you wanna talk about “The View,” or the “Housewives of Atlanta,” or the what’s going down episode of “That’s My Momma”; take that to another room of the house. The rest of us would like to enjoy the game, so respect that and save any non-football related conversations for when the commercials come on.

6. Thou shall consider others when preparing a plate of food
When fixing your plate, please think of the other people who are there. Don’t pile food on your plate like you’re Buff Love (R.I.P.)from the Fat Boys in the “All You Can Eat” video:

That’s just wrong. Plus, you have to pace yourself considering the fact that when you include Pre-game, the game itself, and the post game activities, everything will take about 2 ½ -3 hours. So, pace out your meals because if you don’t, then the next two commandments are for you.

7. Thou shall not be flatulent in front of guest
Passing gas, toots, breaking wind, S.B.D.’s (Silent But Deadly), farts, flatulence, etc. can make or break a party depending on your company. When it’s just fellas, it’s the “Fart Game”. When there are ladies in the room it’s “ewwww”. With all the food and drink you’re gonna consume, there’s gonna be gas, so here’s a few tricks to help release some of those toxic fumes:

• Step out on the terrace and let it rip.
• Excuse yourself from the room, say you have to make a phone call, leave the house, and rip one outside or in the hallway of the building.
• Go to the bathroom, let ‘em rip, spray, continue to join the rest of the party.

These steps can help everyone from the guest to the host. Although, the host can get away with ripping a couple in front of company because it’s their house and they can do what they want, I wouldn’t suggest that because you do want these people to come to your next get together in your home and you wouldn’t want the moniker of “Farts Malone” and no one shows. You’re best going to your bedroom or another room of the house to release some of that gas. This rule leads to #8.

8. Thou shall respect the host’s bathroom
Now we’re all adults here, so use the bathroom like an adult. There are the basic rules such as raising the toilet the seat if you’re a man using the bathroom, putting the seat back down when you’re finished, washing your hands when you’re down, etc… But sometimes you may have to do a little more in the bathroom. For lack of a better term, you may have to “drop the kids off at the pool”. If that’s the case, please remember the “Courtesy Flush”. That would be: drop, drop, flush, spray.  When in doubt, remember the words my father has bestowed on me that has been passed down from generation to generation in our family, “Don’t let that sh*t stew. Mix some water with that sh*t and flush!” You don’t know who’ll be in the bathroom after you, so respect that and don’t leave a force field of funk. Also, you don’t need to use a bulk size of toilet paper to use the bathroom, so please be toilet paper conscious and not stop-up the toilet. This rule also applies to the host as well. Follow the same steps because once again, you would like for these people to come to another one of your functions in your house and you wouldn’t like the moniker of “Stinky McGee”.

9. Thou shall be a gracious guest
Both the 4^th and 6^th Commandment applies to this one. It’s the end of the night and everyone is probably making a plate to take home with them. That’s cool, but before you start making you plate and heading home, help clean up just a little. See, during the cleaning process, you can make your plate at the same time. Help gather up the remaining food for your host and yourself. The more you can help clean, easier it will be to gather up your late night goodies. You kill two birds with one stone because you’re being a gracious guest and helping the host out at the same time.

10. Thou shall have a safe return home
Finally, the night is over and we all had a good time. For the guest, it’s time to go home. So be safe and don’t go out there drinking and driving. Hopefully you didn’t drink during the evening, so you should be safe to drive home. If you have been drinking, then hopefully you have a designated driver. If you don’t, then take a cab home. Like MC Lyte said,”Don’t drive, use your head. Drive while you’re drunk and you’ll kill yourself dead” As oppose to killing yourself, alive. But, you get the point.

So sit back, relax, enjoy the game and by safe. Follow these rules and you’ll have mad bread to break up. No really, you will. There’ll be plenty of food and drink for all and a great night for everyone. Hope you all enjoy your Super Bowl Sunday.

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