By A Negro With A Keyboard

I have a great plot for a story line for Season 3 of The Boondocks:

“Huey Freeman becomes incensed after watching Mariah Carey accepting an award for her acting (fictional already), while ridiculously slurring her speech and speaking in tongues of stupidity, while his brother Riley tells him, “Ni&&a, “Stop bulls**ting, you just hating because Nick Cannon is hitting that and you will never get a piece like that!”…Huey then attempts to organize a Mariah Carey boycott in Woodcrest (their hometown), only to find support from Uncle Ruckus, the Black White Supremacist, who calls Mariah, a “disgrace to the slave master who was gracious enough to bestow his white semen upon her jungle bunny ancestors…”

The episode would end with Huey staging an Anti-Mariah press conference with the media in full attendance, during which the cell phones and Blackberries of the media members start buzzing with a report that Mariah Carey is holding a simultaneous press conference announcing that her and Nick Cannon have new matching tattoos, for which the media members scramble to leave for Mariah’s conference…Appalled Huey unleashes a harsh discourse about how black folks are so easily blinded to fact by celebrity, which explains why celebrities do what they do over and over again…He then gets hit in the head with a rock by Riley who screams, “Ni&&a, quit running your mouth and come with me to the store to get this new R. Kelly album!”…Huey just turns and shakes his head…”

While I wish the premise for this storyline came from my imagination, I unfortunately have to say that the idea was inspired by the real life actions of “America’s Little Songbird”, Ms. Carey, as she very drunkenly and recklessly accepted an award for Breakthrough Performance by an Actress (it’s not too hard to break through from nothing) at the Palm Springs Film Festival for her role in Precious. As I witnessed this, all that I could think about in my mind is, “It’s amazing how far the ability to simply a hit musical note can take a person.

Now, I can see all the Tweets and blog responses of all the Mimi Worshippers…”They just hating on you, Mariah!”…”F**k that Mariah, do you girl!”…”I love you Mimi!”

My reply to these individuals is simply: “AIN‘T NO CUTENESS IN LOOSENESS”.

I mean, what am I missing here? Why does this woman always get a pass when she engages in activities that would prompt us who are “from the community” to refer to a less-famous female who did such things as a “chicken” or a “hood rat”. Listen man, Mariah Carey is no prize, and appears quite often to be VERY LOOSE with hers. Y’all know it isn’t a coincidence that the music industry’s Goodfella, Tommy Mattola, got up out of that EARLY IN THE GAME.

She can sing better than most of her generation, but these days, her voice isn’t what she’s selling. We all witnessed her “transformation” from innocence to an industry vixen right after Tommy let her ride out. Suddenly the curls and the loose fitting clothes were gone, and what was left a “sexier cutting-edge” Mariah (isn’t that what they say in the industry?) who went from singing about “Someday” to singing about getting it poppin’ on “Roof Tops” with Mobb Deep. Now it’s not a crime to switch up your style a bit for the sake of the industry’s supposed relevance standard, but again, if that was Buffy the Body or Melissa Ford hopping around in those videos in boy-cut shorts and high heels, they’d be hoes, but not Sweet Mimi.

Next came the stories about this chick’s new diva attitude, where only the most lavish accommodations will work for the songstress, even to the point of requesting that venues have M&Ms of only a particular color separated for her dressing room (Now please tell me, when is the last time you ever ate some damn M&Ms and could taste the difference in the colors?) Now she is clearly not the only celebrity that has demands like this, but let someone come to me talking about how they wanted me to give them “only pink Starburst”. I’d “burst” a pack right upside their damn head.

Then came the celebrity romances. This once married woman was now “on the prowl” so to speak, making the rounds in a number of rumored romances, most notably Luis Miguel, Derek Jeter, Eminem, and most recently, everybody’s first-round cornball pick, Nick Cannon, who went as far as to put a ring on it (On the low though, I’m down with Nick with locking down this fading cougar and solidifying his financial portfolio for years to come).

It isn’t the fact that she was out here playing the field, as much as it was the drama that always came when these relationships got rocky: One minute she is playing the diva roll, acting like she is better than these dudes, then the next minute she is depressed over them, and ending up in psych wards. Again, if the common woman was on it like that, she’d be a lame, straight beat, but oh no, not our Little Lamb.

As far as the movie career, what do I even need to say? Glitter was a straight-dud; even the most devout Mariah fans better stop fronting about that; with the rest of her filmography not even worth mentioning (Dame Dash’s girl in State Property 2? ROCK BOTTOM). Yet despite this very unimpressive screen career, she lands a role in another major motion picture, Precious, as a mustached and racially ambiguous social worker. Even in this film, her acting consisted of nothing much beyond talking to Precious and her mother from behind a desk and going to the soda machine one time, but yet, as I stated earlier, she wins an award at the Palm Springs Film Festival for a Breakthrough Performance? Here we see again, that there are actresses with better screen resumes that couldn’t even get the lead in I’m Bout It, 2010! Man, I think I might move to Palm Springs myself and see if I can be Breakthrough Blogger of the Year, since apparently you can break through in anything down there.

Now we have Mariah’s most recent episode, keeping in line with what seems to be the new chic trend for celebrities: getting pissy drunk and acting stupid at awards shows. So you know I have to ask: How does this chick get off the hook when the “Divo” himself Kanye West becomes a social pariah and called a “jackass” by none other than the Black President? Why is she not on the Jay Leno show apologizing to America for her actions? Oh yeah, I forgot, that is the American Treasure,  M.C.!

All I ask people, is that you stop being blinded by this woman’s fair skin, long hair and screeching high voice, because she is a damn human who should be called on the carpet for asinine behavior, not The Little Mermaid!

Recklessly Yours,

A Negro and a Keyboard

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