Are men and women really that different?  We often find ourselves on opposing sides of most issues and we tend to see things very differently.  We all go through similar things in our lives but look for answers in different places. This column is where we see how men & women view things.  He Say/ She Say offers answers to your life questions from both the male and the female perspective.  Sometimes they will be similar; other times waaay off. All answers are written separately. Chime in and tell us what you think.

Dear He Say/She Say:

I got married in April this year and it has been wedded bliss for my wife and I except for the incessant interference from my mother.  She means well and she loves my wife.  She just doesn’t know boundaries.  My wife has been weathering it well but I can see it is reaching a boiling point.  My mother is constantly trying to dictate the way we should live our lives, down to the way we decorate our house.  She doesn’t take no for an answer either.  I love my mother, but I love and respect my wife and I don’t want to see either of them unhappy.  How do you politely tell someone you love who just happens to be intrusive that they need to fall back?

-Newly Wed, Newly Frustrated

He Said:

Brother, sooner or later, ALL men come into conflict with this on some level, not necessarily just mama’s boys. Your mom takes care of you from birth, first nipples and all that.  She’s someone you have depended on your entire life and that bond supercedes pretty much every relationship…except one.

When you get married you are one before the state, your family, and whatever higher power you believe in. That’s even closer than your life long bond with your mom.  The hole you come into is closer than the one you came out of.  You have to man up and talk to your mother.  If you wait until your wife gets fed up, I promise you you will not like that standoff and you want to make that decision when you want to, not when you have to. You will always love your mom, but you and your wife own each other. That’s not a relationship you can subjugate to any other.

If your mom is as wonderful as you think she is, she will realize that. It may even be a test on her part to see what will make your wife jump.  Some moms are wild like that, but they don’t mean any harm they just want to see if your wife is strong enough to hold you down. Holla at your mom before your wife does and hold firm.  Things should work from there.  Your mom will be happy if your wife is taking care of you and you are happy. Man up and set those boundaries and your mother will fall back. Good luck homeboy.

She Said:

This is an easy one:  just say it.  Of course you must hold your mom in the highest regard at all times but if you never voice your concerns, how will she know what irks you?  You obviously have tried to communicate something to mom because you say she doesn’t take no for an answer.  However in her eyes she is only helping out her baby and his new wife.  What you have to do is tell your mother that you and the Mrs. want to build your own lives your way.  Explain to her that the help and support she gives you is always appreciated but she’s taking wifely duties (such as decorating) away from the woman of the house.

Understand also that mom (I imagine) is up in age, she may not have anyone to take care of or to give her companionship (otherwise I’m sure she wouldn’t be all up in your mix).  Don’t make her feel as if you are pushing her away.  Talk to your wife first, see what areas of your mom’s intrusions really get under her skin.  There may be some qualities about mom that your wife welcomes. Build on those so that mom is still an active part of your lives.  Ask for her input when neccessary but also be firm and tell her when there a decision that is between you and your wife.

At the end of the day mom only wants to help and from the sound of it she has been fussing over you since birth (these types of things don’t just happen).  Her intentions are good so be gentle with her and thank God for your understanding wife.

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