Are men and women really that different?  We often find ourselves on opposing sides of most issues and we tend to see things very differently.  We all go through similar things in our lives but look for answers in different places. This column is where we see how men & women view things.  He Say/ She Say offers answers to your life questions from both the male and the female perspective.  Sometimes they will be similar; other times waaay off. All answers are written separately. Chime in and tell us what you think.

Dear He Say She Say, 
In the past 2 plus years, I have undergone some significant changes in my life. I went from being very sexually active to being celibate. I decided I wanted to get to know myself better and to improve my “spiritual health”. It has not been easy at all but I have come out a stronger, more secure woman. I have now met who I know to be my soul mate. We are best freinds and we know each other so well. Most importantly, he respected my decision to wait a while before engaging in sex again, preferably marriage. This is where it gets complicated.

We became engaged and the wedding is a few weeks away. Everything has been planned and we’re looking forward to this next chapter. We are almost complete with our pre-marriage counselling and we seem to be on the same page about most important things. I thought I was on the right track until one evening a couple weeks ago when we got carried away. In a moment of weakness, I allowed myself to slip into lust and he ended up performing oral sex on me. 

 Now I have been out of the game for over 2 years but  wack sex is wack sex. It was completely horrible. I actually faked an orgasm and ended up crying afterwards.

He has no clue how I truly feel and I am really in a daze over this. It’s bad enough that I broke my promise to myself but to realise I am entering a union where the sex is possibly horrible has me depressed.

I am so distraught that I am entertaining the idea of at least postponing the wedding. I know sex is not all and he certainly meets all my other needs.but the idea that he can’t perform is making me miserable. HELP! I feel like I have been misled but I don’t know how to tell him he is terrible without crushing his ego.

Nearing Nuptuals-Oakland

She Says:

Wack sex? You say he only performed oral on you, did you leave out some juicy details?  If not, am I to believe you are pondering the end of a good relationship over cunnilingus?  I understand your decision to be celibate and wanting to wait until marriage but as a grown woman you had to have thought about the consequences.  If you want to wait until marriage you WILL NOT know what you are getting into before hand.  You decided respect for yourself, spiritual peace and love were most important and nothing else mattered, obviously for you sex matters.

Unfortunately, you waited until mere weeks before the wedding to take an erotic glimpse into your future and now don’t like what you see (or feel).  Would you be happy if he hadn’t  respected your spiritual/personal decisions about sex but rocked your world in the bedroom?  If he hadn’t agreed to counseling or if you two couldn’t see eye to eye on important issues but he had a wicked tounge game would you be less apprehensive about walking down the aisle? 

Before this “incident” you were elated about the new direction your life was about to take. Since you have already tested the waters go ahead and jump all in.  Make love to your fiance and see what happens.  If there are fire works, great. Teach him how to please you orally. Men are not going to know what they are doing right or wrong if we don’t speak up.  It is 2009 women are empowered in big ways.  We do not fake anything, not emotions, friendships and damn sure not orgasms!

However, if his stroke is below par then you have a big issue to tackle.  Can you work on that one area since he has mostly all you want in a man? If not, throw your great catch back into the sea for a less demanding “fisher(wo)man” to enjoy.  Don’t worry about crushing his ego, you are a woman! Use your feminine wiles to soften the blow.  Believe it or not men actually want to please us but every woman is different so if he is not hitting your spots whisper some sexy, seductive, suggestions in his ear. I’m sure he’ll be happy to obilige and you will be glad you did. Enjoy your honeymoon!

He Says:

Sometimes that long layoff can affect a man in more ways than you think.  I’m sure there were many times where he was revved up and ready to go, and you stalled him off.  There’s only so many times you can do that before it becomes almost a ritual. Hey at least you know he’s probably not sleeping around on you if his technique isn’t all that hot.  No practice in two years is bound to leave a dude rusty, especially if he’s not getting side action.

Did you actually sleep together or was it just the snackbox? If just the snack box, then try being subtle and guiding him.  “Softer…slower…right there”  Like a woman not a drill sergeant. You give him a road map usually he’ll get there. If I were you, I’d give that born again coochie a test drive and see if he’s ready for prime time. It seems to me that sex is important to you despite your “awakening.” It would be a shame to be saved by the word and enslaved by weak sausage.  Marriage IS supposed to be forever.

Soon (you only got three weeks) you better hop on it and see what’s good cause if not, it’s going to be a very sightseeing honeymoon for you, and nobody wants that. It takes two for sex to be wack so maybe you should forget your holy-ness and take it back to the gutter. Show him the slut you used to be and we’ll see how that brings him out.

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