By G.I.N.A. (Game Is Not Allowed)
Men generally cultivate strong bonds. They maintain childhood friendships well into their adult lives. Yet when it comes to females and our sisterly bonds, envy, competition and backstabbing keep us from the support systems we need.
On television, we see positive images of female bonds. Lucy & Ethel, Laverne & Shirley. More recently, it has been Gina & Pam, Joan, Toni, Lynn and Mya. They all would get into and out of trouble together, celebrate success and suffer loss together. No matter what type of conflict arose between them in the end, they always had each other’s back.
Unfortunately, we live in the real world, not TV Land. The situations may be the same but not the bond. If art imitates life then the creators of these shows surely live in a different world. Not many women let bygones be bygones or cry, hug and make up. Actually, more bonds are broken because of hearsay, betrayal or plain selfishness. Once we reach a certain age it is assumed (or am I the only one) that the tomfoolery of adolescence is over. As adults who think logically rather than emotionally, there shouldn’t be room for hair pulling, name calling or face scratching (yes, it still happens), but alas, here we are as grown ass women still rolling our eyes, whispering behind backs and alienating other women who just yesterday were our BFFs. 
I think the first problem comes with how we use the word friend. Everyone is not your friend. How many of us have true friends? Not the women you party and travel with, not your coworker you dish the dirt to about your scandalous weekend or the woman you chat with on the subway everyday but someone you can depend on. Eliminate these casual ties and the number of people you consider your friends quickly declines. Friends have misunderstandings, they may even have drama but what separates a friend from everyone else is how you all deal with these pit falls.
I knew this woman I considered a friend. We’d hung out together, crashed at each others homes, shared intimate details of our lives, things you do with a friend. Over time we became closer and when she was about to get evicted from her apartment I took her in. When her search for an affordable living space turned up nothing she asked her brother if she could crash with him, after years of him crashing with her, he said no! I offered her my daughters’ room. She chipped in with the rent and groceries and everything was fine.
During this time my landlord needed a new super. It was a sweet deal; she didn’t have to do much work because the landlord would bring qualified people in to do work such as plumbing, electrical etc. All she had to do was put out the garbage and maintain the building. These things she received the landlord’s approval to have outsourced, so basically she would live rent and labor free. I also helped with her business and found her new clients.
The night she was to move into her freshly renovated basement apartment I was just getting back in town when I received a phone call from her brother (not her) asking to help them move. I declined, as she had five “movers” already plus I had my daughter and Godson with me. Her brother made some rude remarks regarding my lack of help but that was that. I was sure she and I would open a bottle of wine the next day and toast her new RENT FREE pad. I never spoke to her again. When she came to my apartment to get the rest of her things she barely spoke to me, I reached out to offer blessings on her new move and received a cold response, all of this because I wouldn’t help her move. In the end I was only as good a friend as my last good deed. My proven track record of loyalty and sacrifice in the name of our friendship was void because of one night.
I would always say “I don’t need any new friends, my time for making friends has passed” because although we have grown physically, mentally many women are still little girls. We are generally selfish; always thinking about what someone can do for us and not the converse. Instead of confronting our issues we talk badly about each other and burn bridges. I never uttered a negative word about my “friend”. When asked what happened between us I would only say “I don’t want to talk about it”. I was hurt and confused but I refused to speak badly about a person I had cared about at one point. All else is irrelevant.
As women we waste so much time degrading our “sisters” we never stop and consider what it does to our spirits. All that negativity builds up and makes us ugly on the inside and out. No matter how physically beautiful they are, a negative person is an instant turnoff to anybody. The person who speaks negatively about another will one day speak the same way about you. In essence these women reveal they are catty and untrustworthy with every breath.
Women have to work harder than men to prove ourselves worthy of that raise or promotion. Videos depict us as nothing more than playthings and we add to this by our infighting. We are the support we need. As with any relationship. times will not always be rosy, but a strong bond holds tight throughout. All it takes is a personal commitment to being a better woman and friend. Everything else will fall into place.
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I kind of have to say Men can be like this too.
But its not over petty things. Or rather what we consider petty.
Like two of my friends got into it over basketball, but it was really about how one was trying to show him up on the court to look better in view of some other dudes at the court. And instead of no words, they actually talked it out, and each knew why the other was mad. They didn’t give the silent treatment. But they still didnt like each other.
I can say men’s bonds are stronger than that. If we feel slighted, we’ll just pay you back that favor when your turn comes up with a, “Remember that time i asked you for this?” And usually thats how problems are solved.
Or a good ole fist fight and beer aint never hurt nobody.
The unfortunate thing for us is, sometimes that behavior in our women manifests itself in our relationships. I spent years watching my ex-wife play the victim when she’d fall out with her friends. Being a supportive husband I would tend to believe her when she’d tell me about the way her girl or girls played her. During and after our divorce though, I noticed just how underhanded and grimey she could be.
Gina, You hit the nail right on the head.. The majority of women have Crab in a barrel syndrome (Walk on each other, bad mouth each other, demoralize each other, just to get ahead) that is so sad.. There are alot of women who pass thru our lives that we consider friends, we have to be able to recognize a true friend, they love unconditionally, never judgemental and are able to listen, just listen. Women spend so much time being nasty, vindictive, bad mouthing each other, they don’t realize it but they lose their selves and in return, lose respect for their so called friends and themselves….
this is beautifully written. you are so right. and the sad thing is alot of women who are guilty of the backstabbing behavior never want to own up to their actions but they are always quick to point the finger on others and act like its all other women who are the problem.
and its doesn’t help when you have all these reality shows with women fighting to win a romance with a man. it’s a very very sad state because we would be so much greater if we would stop that madness.
Good article. I have a praise report on this situation. I must thank God for my bountiful and great girl friendships. I have girl friends that I have grown to love and appreciate as sisters. Our friendships range from 10-17 years. We’ve been through ups and downs and even through some hurt – our friendships prevail. I say it’s possible, it’s a matter of if that person’s friendship is worth it, you work it out and mend it. Girl friendships are possible.