By Malice Intended
When pursuing a certain prize, nice guys try to go about it in the “right” way. We are careful not to trip anyone one up on our way to the finish line. We pride ourselves on not being like “them”, like the “Bad People”. Then we have an epiphany. We have a moment of clarity that shakes us to the core. We were one of the “bad people” all along, it’s just that our methods differed.
So goes the saga of the “Nice Guy”. The “Nice Guy” secretly envies the ways of the rogues and players and covets their achievements. His ultimate ambition is to be a different sort of player, one who goes about playing the game nicely. He may know this on a subconscious level, but he will never readily admit it to himself. He has deluded himself into thinking that he is, by definition, different than “those other guys” or that he doesn’t want to be like them.
Very often, the “villains” of this world get what they want simply because they are comfortable with who they are. The player knows what he wants and takes the necessary steps to achieve that objective. His plan is clear as crystal in his mind. He realizes it may require him to employ questionable tactics, (deceit, heartlessness, manipulation) but he sees it as part of the game. He who thinks and acts with clarity of purpose will almost always reach the finish line first.
The nice guy struggles with an inner conflict that is ultimately crippling and self defeating. He must run the same race while refusing to break any of the rules, knowing full well that such adherence to the rules most likely will cost him the race. He adheres to the rules not because he truly believes in the principles they are based on, but because he can’t stand to think of himself as a cheater or a bad person. Contrary to popular belief, nice guys aren’t always truly nice people. Very often they are self-absorbed sticklers for the rules. They are worried more about appearance than about how they treat other people. They are motivated by fear. Fear of what others think as well as fear of what they think of themselves. The player doesn’t have this fear, because he is already aware and honest about what he is.
Strangest of all is that, at the end of the day, the methods of both the nice guy and the player often yield the same results: hurt feelings and broken hearts. No matter how nicely you play the game, someone will get hurt. Dealing with the opposite sex, isn’t really a game, but a contact sport, one in which emotions and feelings come into play. You can’t expect to step on the field and not get bloody. Someone will feel pain at your hands. Someone will hate you when the game is over. It is inevitable.
The answer for the nice guy is a long hard look in the mirror. Stop focusing so much on who you want to be, or who you think you should be and take stock of who you actually are and what you want. Better yet, take stock of the distance between who you want to be and who you are. Note the changes that have to be made to get there. Most goals are too lofty and idealistic to be achieved, so find a happy medium. Reconcile the ID and the superego. Somewhere in the middle is the true self. There is nothing wrong with being conscious of others feelings, just as long as you don’t delude yourself into thinking that you will always be able to spare them, or save them. There are going to be casualties, no matter what. Just realize that, at the end of the day, you are human and are capable of the same destruction as any villain.
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