Jack Roller, tell us a story

[Jack Roller]

Update: I slapped my friend Jason and the other two guys too. The only one I didn't slap was my friend that broke up the fight. I must have been quick on the draw. And this explains why the other dude was pissed too. Then I'm told the reason I wanted back in the apartment despite the owner punching me was that I wanted to wait out the rain.

[Jack Roller]

I'm sure you've heard of what they call "rock bottom" where an alcoholic hits and realizes they have a problem. I kind of have those but they're really just grave warnings to me to not drink hard liquor in public and stick to beer. This story is about one of those times.

It's Wednesday night. Two-fer night at the bar. You buy a beer and a shot and you get two beers and two shots for the price of one. I'm meeting a high school friend and haven't seen him in a while and when he gets there we get shitfaced. I start about about 9pm and then around 1am we decide to drive across the river. I have no idea how my friend is driving but I'm too drunk to care.

Now in my hometown, if you cross the river you get another hour of drinking, because on the other side is technically where the Mountain Time Zone starts. No other businesses use that time zone though - just the bars, so they can get an extra hour of business. And the percentage of wasted people on that side of the river is very high. What's more is you get a mix of cowboys, indians, and blacks that I haven't really seen anywhere else and with that much drunkenness, it can get wild. It's like a redneck version of Mos Eisley Cantina.

Anyways, we go to the strip club and my friend decides to just play video lottery there. I sit at the bar to drink Budweisers and maintain, although I'm not maintaining. The liquor is still getting me more and more fucked up the longer I sit there. A stripper sees me, no doubt because I'm obviously on auto pilot, and starts talking to me. I ask if she wants a drink and she says "hell yeah!" I buy her a few. She says she's from Louisiana but I'm sure she's from Milwaukee where they get all the black strippers from in that town. All I can really remember is we talk about rap briefly and I clown her for her top five since there's three New Yorkers in it and she's from the midwest (pet peeve of mine) and she obviously hasn't given it much thought. And then I remember asking what she was doing later. From here it gets blurry.

I don't remember riding the shuttle to her place. I just realize I'm in a cheap hotel room with a stripper. I don't know what to expect and she's just going about her business making an pasta alfredo microwave dinner that she added shrimp to. I'm thinking "Fuck, she's gonna have garlic breath." And I clown her for ruining shrimp in a microwave. She gets a bit annoyed. She eats fast then asks to suck my dick. This is where I realize things have gone wrong. I'm just watching tv and fine at this point and she's getting mad, saying she has to sleep. I ask what her problem is and she starts saying "I'm tryna suck yo dick so you can get the fuck out of here."

Fuck. I realize at this point I'm in a hooker's hotel room. And I'm a John. All kinds of shit flashes through my brain. "I'm living with my parents. They'll kick me out." "The cops are bored as hell in this town, they might have seen me come in here." "I don't want alfredo sauce on my dick, GROSS!" And she gets even more mad with the delay that she goes to the phone and says she's gonna call somebody. This is when I get the fuck out.

I'm about to call my friend I was drinking with when he shows up out of nowhere. My memory was spotty at this point and I see later that I did call him at some point although I don't remember that at all. I just remember coming down the stairs of the hotel's catwalk and his car was there. I'm really fucking worried about him talking to anyone about this. His mom knows my dad. He knows everyone I went to school with. What the fuck do I tell this guy? Then I get to the car and this bleach blonde girl, wearing a giant white fur coat in the middle of summer, in his passenger seat. He took a hooker home! I was so relieved I slept all the home. But I learned my lesson. And to this day I only drink liquor a few times per year.

[Dr Doom]

@ the moral of the story at the end.

[cHIVe]

I keep forgetting that prostitution is illegal in some countries, lol. I was like "fuck is he worried about?".

[Jack Roller]

I had the dumbest fucking dream today. My ex ditched her boyfriend for the night and we got a hotel room. We were there for a while at the point the dream started and we're about to do eet, and we're talking about how many times we already did it that night. We're playfully arguing about it when Dr. Kevorkian speaks up to correct both of us. He's sitting in a chair right by the bed. He says he can't believe we just went ahead and did all that with him in the room. I ask him why the hell he didn't speak up before then and realize stupid this shit is since I want to screw and I say "Get the hell out of here Kevorkian." Of course the housekeeper is cleaning our bathroom in the middle of the night for some dumbass reason and a guy that works at the hotel is chilling out and talking to her so I get them out. Then I'm just barely inside my ex and I woke up. Fucking stupid.

[Jack Roller]

I used to work at a nursing home. I was a bit desperate for a job, so it wasn't my first choice for spending money, but I got over it. Anyways, the job ended up being pretty cool. A lot of old people are assholes without filters so I enjoyed the banter. I loved pissing off old bitches. Like if a lady was watching the Lawrence Welk show I'd tell her "You know this is a rerun, right?"

Anyways, this one lady was really cool. Her name was Shirley and she watched almost nothing but the syfy channel and always said what was on her mind. She was a cool lady. And she was a big lady. Really big. And she couldn't walk. Diabetes and just being old I guess did it, and she had this sling connected to this crane-like machine that would lift her up off her bed when we had to move her. We also used it for lowering her onto the toilet.

So one day I go to help her with this 60 year old, lazy bitch named Bernice I work with and Shirley has to shit. And bad. So we get her raised up off the floor and we're moving her over and she's like 4 feet up in the air and she starts farting. So of course I say "Speak up sirrrrr! We'll find youuuu!" And she starts laughing her ass off and shits all over the floor. So I start laughing my ass off and that makes Shirley keep laughing and Bernice gets fucking PISSED. So we laugh more. Bernice starts cleaning up the mess and grumbling and trying to make me feel bad. And Shirley points out that it's all my fault because I made her laugh. All the while, my coworker keeps looking at me and cleaning the shit up like being passive-aggressive is going to work on me. And nah, it didn't. That pretty much ruled. Not having to clean the shit up made it even better.

[Dr Doom]

[Jack Roller]

Two Halloweens ago I went as a lucha libre wrestler. I got pregamed before the bar and when I got there I continued to get shitty all night. For a while I had a lot of fun. I took pictures with other people. I was happy drunk enough to dance at one point even.



Then it turned on me. I became an asshole. My friend Joe from Jersey was encouraging me and I went up and down the street heckling people. It wasn't hard because they usually said something stupid about my mask first. A girl in a short skirt told me my mask creeped her out. I told her "Your skirt being that short creeps ME out. I hope that herpes hasn't gone airborne!" And I would move on to the next victim. Jersey Joe was laughing his ass off.

Then I come across this douchebag in a suit with a backwards cap and a big magnet hanging around his neck. I ask "What are you? A dick magnet?!" And he laughs a little and says he had paper chicks taped to the magnet and girls took them all. I say "Bullshit! You're a dick magnet, aren't you?! I can't keep away!" And he starts getting a little perturbed saying "Yeah, yeah, ok whatever."

Then I'm about to leave and one more time I yell "Dick Magnet!" pointing at him and he gets gully. He runs up on me saying "I don't know what you think is gonna happen here but you won't like what happens if you don't shut the fuck up." I look at him like "Are you fucking serious?" And he keeps it up. I get up close to him and he asks what the fuck I'm doing and I'm waving my hand in front of my crotch screaming "I'm trying to reverse the P-P-P-Polarity on my PENIS!" And everyone waiting in line to get in the bar is fucking rolling. He calls me a loser and I walk off satisfied with myself and a guy in the crowd yells to me "I'd rather be a loser than a DICK MAGNEEET!!!!" So I start chanting "DICK MAGNET! DICK MAGNET!" and the whole line starts yelling it. "DICK MAGNEEET!!!! DICK MAGNEEET!!! DICK MAGNEEET!!!" And there's cops across the street probably wondering if they're going to have to earn their pay when this guy just gives up while the chant is going strong. It was glorious.



Jersey Joe took this picture when the guy thought shit was over and I screamed "DICK MAGNET!" the first time. You can see the hate in his face. lmao

[Jack Roller]

Also notice the guy in the background that loves it. lol

[Dr Doom]

If the internet could be categorized into elements, this thread would be pure gold, lmao.