Jack Roller, tell us a story [Archive]

Jack Roller

05-19-2011, 04:25 AM

I guess I would ask them questions. If they were young republican patriots I wouldn't bother. I might even tell them to go infantry. Go hard or go home! Hooah! But if they were the kids that thought they were joining for a better life I'd ask why. The GI Bill is a lot better than I was in so if they were going to pay for school I guess I would just ask if they really thought things through as far the possibility of losing a limb or having a colostomy bag at 19. If they were joining to get away from drugs or alcohol I'd tell them to stay the hell out of the service. If they were joining as a means to "straighten out" and learn responsibility I would tell them to stay out. If they told me they wanted to learn how to shirk responsibility and spend their nights and weekends plastered playing tiger woods golf I'd tell them they might be making the right choice. On the off chance that they might want to someday meet a stripper at Walmart to get more acid, then almost die in a car crash when going around an exit onto a bridge (because the driver is on acid and it's raining), on the way to a Korean massage parlor - not because you want old Korean pussy (because your dick doesn't work, you're tripping balls) - but because your buddy Kerns thinks it will be funny to talk to old Korean hookers, well then yea, the Army might be the place for you.

PS. If you're on the right shit, then Korean hookers whispering to each other in Hangul while they're scared as shit about you and your friends cackling nonstop for no reason is the funniest thing ever and you will giggle your ass off for at least half an hour about it. Especially after your friend screams like the teacher on Pink Floyd's The Wall "What is this?! Some kind of secret code?!!!" You'll laugh maniacally for at least ten minutes about that alone. It's cool too because they aren't about to call the cops on you to pick you up. They're hookers. Then when you're finally done giggling and order a beer (for appearance's sake) a hooker might ask you to buy her pineapple juice. You might wonder out loud as you laugh for no reason "Why the fuck is pineapple juice 7 dollars?!" And she might say "It has ginseng. Makes me horny-doggy!!!" Then you giggle your ass off for another half an hour. Good times.

PPS. I know it says Massage Parlor at a lot of those joints but they really don't do massages. Even if you specifically ask for just a massage. Even if you say you're a virgin. They'll just say things like "Virgin?! I FUCK SHIT OUT OF YOU!" Then you say you're Catholic and they say "CATHICS HAVE SEX TOO!!!" Then you go in the back room because she's so fucking pushy and she sits across the room from you yelling "My pussayyyy, my pussayyyy!" with her dress up, ruining what you think of Asian girls for months. Then you get your ass out of there and all your friends say they smell baby oil and accuse you of getting a handjob. Just a heads up.

Jack Roller

05-19-2011, 04:54 AM

Or I might just tell them to join the Coast Guard instead.

Jack Roller

05-19-2011, 09:38 PM

Here's a sad story (for me). I think I left 600 gigs of porn and comic books in the last hotel room I stayed at on two external hard drives. Either that or they were stolen...

Jack Roller

05-19-2011, 11:28 PM

False alarm.

KTULU

05-19-2011, 11:53 PM

how much porn does a man need?

Jack Roller

05-20-2011, 01:01 AM

how much porn does a man need?

I think I have enough now. It not about necessity though. I guess I just horde stuff.

Jack Roller

05-20-2011, 02:01 AM

One good thing that came out of all the worrying is I'm going to take all my family pics and college papers off that shit.

gdatruth

05-20-2011, 07:40 PM

I think I have enough now. It not about necessity though. I guess I just horde stuff.

I'm the same way. It difficult for me to delete anything. Thats why started backing em up on megaupload & sharing em.

Jack Roller

05-26-2011, 12:29 AM

I'm the same way. It difficult for me to delete anything. Thats why started backing em up on megaupload & sharing em.

Then I try to stop and then some new girl will look just like some unattainable woman I've met in real life and I have to get more.

Oseru

05-29-2011, 05:55 AM

how much porn does a man need?

1.12 terabytes. Ask again in about a month it might have changed.

Oseru

05-29-2011, 06:05 AM

Btw, I think you should tell the story about Bucks and the neon shots.

Jack Roller

05-29-2011, 07:38 AM

Ok, so I'm at this bar called Buck's. It's always fucking packed. It was actually faster to get around by using the dance floor and my friends and I would dance like assholes across it when we were looking for someone. Anyways, I had used the bathroom a few times and it took forever. It was downstairs and the line went halfway up the fucking stairs. So one night I'm with my best friend Jeremy and a couple of his friends from Tech School. Two of them are pretty care-free and the other guy is uptight and doesn't like how the three of us are acting. He had a girlfriend but he's acting like he's trying to get pussy. We're buying shit for each other for hours and girls that work there keep bringing over these bright colored shots in test tubes and my friend keeps buying them for the table. I have this horrible mix of beer and liquors and I know I'm going to throw up. My mouth starts watering to beat hell and sometimes I can breathe and overcome it but this shit was not going to stay down. And in my drunken stupor I'm getting pissed because I'm on the side of these huge place opposite the bathroom and I know I can't make it down in time to puke. And there's no way they're letting me back in if I puke outside. So I just sit there getting pissed and get the idea to go to this bare spot by the video lottery machines and puke. I feel it hitting me and I tell my friends I'll be right back and stumble down there and projectile vomit this bright green shit all over the floor. Pretty much one giant heave and then a small aftershock and I wipe my mouth off. And the people are looking at me like I'm the biggest asshole. I sit back down with my friends grinning my ass off. They're shocked and I scream over the music "THAT'S WHAT THOSE COCKSUCKERS GET FOR HAVING THEIR BATHROOM DOWNSTAIRS!" Jeremy and one of his friends laugh their asses off and the dude trying to get muff is pissed as all hell. And for some fucking reason we stayed until close and nobody pointed us out to the bouncers. Like I say, the place was so packed it was stupid.
Anyways, I wake up the next morning and I'm talking to my friend Jeremy about it. He's asking me what possessed me to be such an asshole and I start complaining about the bar - how there's no fucking bathroom upstairs. He says "Dude, there is a bathroom upstairs. It was about twenty yards from where you puked." I say "Yeah, well I've never seen the fucking thing with all the people in the road. The least they could have fucking done is put a trash can here and there and they wouldn't have had a mess on the floor. Fuck em." And he starts laughing his ass off. He finally calms down and says "Dude, NOT ONLY was there a fucking trash can there, you almost fell down and used it to steady yourself while you puked all over the fucking floor."
That explains a lot of the shock I saw in the faces of the people playing video lottery that night.

Dr Doom

05-29-2011, 11:23 AM

So I take it you two know each other? lol

Jack Roller

05-29-2011, 12:19 PM

A friend from college. Finally stopped lurking.

KTULU

05-30-2011, 12:24 AM

glow in the dark vomit?

baller.

Jack Roller

05-31-2011, 08:29 AM

Here's one that a few might find slightly interesting but probably not. Some of you remember Bookert from AHH. I know E2Supes does because Bookert was actually pissed off in real life at least a couple of times because of him. Anyways, he lived at my dorm. At one point, without knowing it, we lived on the same block when I was in the army. So that's why we actually started talking in our dorm. We had a lot of common experiences. And since I worked nights doing nothing in front of a computer he suggested I check out the IC. So fast forward a few months and he makes it his New Year's resolution to be the most hated man on the IC. Odiesel gives him a modship of Hate em or Love Em. And he really goes in with his gimmick of asking questions in every argument he's in without ever really saying anything. He actually did this in real life as well. He was a philosophy major and the most he would have really say is "One could argue..." followed by something very basic just to provoke you into saying something he could ask seemingly innocent but dickish questions about. Well you could say he fulfilled his resolution. Even OD didn't seem to like him. He would tell me about how he would ask him a question in a PM and get told to grow up or whatever. And he would get really upset about it. But I guess he just channeled that into being more of a question asking prick on the forums and deleting every other thread and post in H.E.O.L.E. even though it was a subforum made for stans and haters. lol. Then someone found out his real name, found his facebook, an interview he did for the paper, and it was a wrap. He didn't sign back onto the IC again until that night I got drunk a while ago and made the thread saying I wanted to kick Darcskies' ass. Then he starts posting in it and people that thought I was Bookert all along dismiss the whole fucking thing and call me the WOATEST poster of all time. I was a little upset. But I'm sure he loved it.

Dr Doom

05-31-2011, 08:42 AM

The internet is serious business.

Jack Roller

05-31-2011, 08:45 AM

The internet is serious business.

I really enjoyed the IC back then. I enjoyed it less when everyone thought Bookert was my alias. Although he hated that so that was funny. One dude asked him why acted like an idiot and used the question gimmick and then posted intelligently as jackroller in The Social Lounge. He was furious. lol

Dr Doom

05-31-2011, 09:28 AM

lol @ you being his 'smart alias'.

Jack Roller

05-31-2011, 09:29 AM

lol @ you being his 'smart alias'.

lol. Asshole.

KTULU

05-31-2011, 10:49 AM

the most hated man on the IC.
I've held this title under more than one name.

Jack Roller

05-31-2011, 10:55 AM

I've held this title under more than one name.

I don't doubt it. Any names you would like to share?

Oseru

05-31-2011, 02:40 PM

Do you still have your MSPaint pictures you made of darcskies?

KTULU

06-01-2011, 01:59 AM

Do you still have your MSPaint pictures you made of darcskies?

I guess I don't, but just take the filled in circle tool and make a big orange blob.

Jack Roller

06-01-2011, 02:24 AM

I edited an MSPaint porn picture off the internet to make it look like Darcskies catching one of Nofase's robots getting a blowjob from his mom. Remember he was suppose to fight that dude and then went offline for weeks and said he got a flat tire that day?

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q93/parnivalplunder/darcskiesmom2.jpg

Jack Roller

06-01-2011, 02:26 AM

So I was really talking trash about Darc in that thread, which was in the hall of fame before one of the "updates" and Midcity was taking his side so I changed his avi to show how he treated his girlfriend.

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q93/parnivalplunder/midcity.jpg

Jack Roller

06-01-2011, 02:28 AM

He says "Computer shit? It's a webcam. Are you retarded? What's your GPA?" So I ask why he has a webcam and knows how to use it and ruins a picture of titties with his face. Then he tells me I'm jealous and I explain to him that he should take a tip from Barry Sanders and act like he's been in the endzone before.

Jack Roller

06-01-2011, 02:29 AM

And one day I went in on Darc for posting that picture of his tranny girlfriend. Seriously, if you were window shopping in Bangkok would you take a chance on this girl?

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q93/parnivalplunder/orangegirl.jpg

Jack Roller

06-01-2011, 02:29 AM

Brooooad shoulders.

KTULU

06-01-2011, 02:32 AM

the midcity and darcskies era was the goat

Jack Roller

06-01-2011, 02:42 AM

The Social Lounge was fun then. Darc banned me for making a tribute thread for Elvis Presley with quotes from guys like BB King and James Brown.

KTULU

06-01-2011, 02:51 AM

for all the shit we gave him, OD managed to run a more fun forum than his successor

Jack Roller

06-01-2011, 02:58 AM

Very true. I just found this picture that was in that thread. Someone was saying they knew a guy named Josh at their school and he had fragile bones.

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q93/parnivalplunder/traincrash.jpg

Jack Roller

06-01-2011, 02:59 AM

Then there was the time he banned me for being racist...

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q93/parnivalplunder/Feelings.jpg

Jack Roller

06-01-2011, 03:01 AM

Ha. I just found my Law and Order SVU pictures.

KTULU

06-01-2011, 03:17 AM

2007 was cool, but everything after "jamal lost" was going to be downhill for the IC

cHIVe

06-01-2011, 03:33 PM

07 was around the time I joined the IC, seems like I missed the best part. I know most of the stories by now though lol.

Oseru

06-01-2011, 08:46 PM

Ha. I just found my Law and Order SVU pictures.

Better call IceT!!

Jack Roller

06-09-2011, 10:25 AM

I turned 30 last year. I was pissed about it - felt like I wasted my life. So I decide to do like George from Seinfeld and do the opposite of what I thought for a while. My first weekend out of town I got laid. I got completely shitfaced with this girl I liked for years and when she said she knew I liked her I went in for the kill. Boom. Then the next week I go back to the same place (the town I went to college in) and I'm doing my best douche impersonation. The next day my friends tell me I'm a huge dick because I was hitting on a girl that had a boyfriend. I call bullshit and my buddy tells me he told me. Just then my brain shows me that he did tell me. He said "Knock it off! She has a boyfriend and it's serious - they live together!" When he tells me this I remember it. But I kept this bitch's number in my phone.
The next weekend I'm in town I get shitfaced and text her. She invites me to this party. I get there and one of my best friends is there. I'm already fucked up and they have jello shots and mojitos there. I partake in both. Then I continue working on my beer. I spill some and one of the dudes there calls me on it. I disagree that I did it at first and then decide to grab a full beer, pop the top, and shake the shit out of it while acting like it's my wiener and squirting beer foam all of the place (I only know about this from eyewitness accounts). Then my sober friend starts cleaning it up and I yell at him for telling everyone I made a mess and tell him to get the fuck out.
About this time I get into a wrestling match with my friend Jason and rip his shorts completely apart (I remember thinking his orange shorts were stupid as hell). So he leaves, disgusted at what the party turned into.
He leaves and that girl with the boyfriend is alone with me in the apartment. I walk up to her and say "So what the fuck is goin on?"
She says "You're cool, but I have a boyfriend."
I say "What the fuuuuuuck?"
And then she slides off the counter she's sitting on and kisses me on the lips. - Three seconds later her boyfriend walks in. That shit was weird. I stumble into the bathroom and see a girl in there. I start making out with her immediately. I'm kissing her and her phone rings. While she's talking I kiss her neck and chest. I notice that she's talking to my friend Jason (the dude with the ripped shorts) - I feel bad kind of but keep shit up. I hear him come in the apartment and so I don't feel conspicuous I kick the door of the bathroom open and yell "What's your fucking problem?!"
He asks what the fuck my problem is and I grab his arm and tell him I'm going to break it. He punches me in the face and I freak out - "What the fuck did you just punch me in the face for?!"
He says "You said you were going to break my arm!"
I say - "Yeah, that sounds reasonable." Then he starts fucking with me again and I pushed him into the dining room table and walked about 9 blocks home at about 5 am thinking about how much my friend was a dick and wishing some dog in my shortcuts home would start some shit so I could make him hate his life.

KTULU

06-10-2011, 01:02 AM

I think if planetill was a party in real life, you would probably kill several of the anime nerds.

KTULU

06-10-2011, 01:23 AM

i swear i commented on this like five minutes ago

Jack Roller

06-10-2011, 04:06 AM

I just usually know better than to drink liquor. Too much time travel involved and people telling me shit the next day.

Jack Roller

06-18-2011, 03:27 AM

I never understood how some dudes would clown people for going to strip clubs. Saying shit like "Why I'm gonna pay for some girl to tease me all night and go home alone when I can just go to the club and take a girl home to fuck for free?" Well first of all dumbass, we know that shit in the club aint free. And second of all, there is no better bargain in the free world than getting some titties rubbed in your face and/or getting a strange woman to grind on your for a fucking dollar. That shits all over the Mcdouble. One dollar and there's titties in my face. And I never have to talk to her again. Not only that but she's the one spitting bullshit to me and not the reverse. While dudes are in the club exaggerating about how much money they get or what car they drive, I got some young girl grinding my dick and rubbing glitter on my face with her tits telling me she's going to school for criminal justice, or nursing, and that it's her first night. It puts this whole man/woman paradigm on its head. It's glorious. Fuck the club.

Anyways, this is the story of my first time at a strip club. It was in San Antonio. I was down there for medic training in the Army and I was 18, just a few months out of high school. Two friends and I asked a cab driver where a titty bar was and he drove us to a place that didn't even have a sign above the place. It just had a deal on the door saying the place was BYOB. We get in and this big mexican dude sitting by himself at a table gestures for us to come over. He doesn't say a word - just hands us each a Budweiser. We each took one and sat down. And fuck. The girls all looked amazing. But I got the feeling the place wasn't on the up and up (as I already did just going in) because two different dudes talked to me about the girls. One dude was just talking about which ones had the best grinding etiquette while some cowboy pointed out a couple that would go home with you and for how much. Then this short, older black chick starts dancing. She has purple and gray hair and has the stage name "Pure Evil." She was hot as hell but part of that was how fucking crazy she was with the dances. My buddy Reagan is out of dough and asks for some money from the other dude Shnedler. Shnedler asks why he needs so much for a dance and Reagan says "I'm gonna fuck tonight!" almost pissed off. I wake up in the hotel to Reagan coming in and there's sunlight coming through the curtains. He takes his shirt off to crash and I'm like "Dude, she scratched the fuck out of your back!" He turns around and he has bite marks all over the front. He said her bed was in the living room of her place and her roommate (another girl) was in the kitchen while they fucked. She started screaming in the middle of it and bit and scratched the fuck out him. Those are the kinds of places I have been to most.

Jack Roller

06-18-2011, 04:01 AM

Dammit Martyn. English!

Dr Doom

06-18-2011, 09:26 AM

This is quite possibly the best thread on the internet, lol.

Jack Roller

07-13-2011, 07:17 AM

Last night I went to my college town and started drinking gin at about 8 pm. I watched some of the All Star stuff and then headed to the bar. At the bar I had two pitchers of beer and two irish car bombs and I dunno, I went to another bar and kind of lost track. One of the guys I was drinking with almost puts me to shame with his antics (he's an actual alcoholic though so it's not always funny (depending on who you are)) and told me we were going to some dude's apartment after the bars closed. We get there and the guy has like three glass jugs in his kitchen. I'm basically sleepwalking at this point so mostly I'm just seeing his mouth flap and hearing noise but I gather that he makes his own wine and wants to know if we'll sample some. We do and one of them is like juice. The other one is a little gross but he explains that's because it's alcohol percentage is somewhere around the legal limit that he can make in his home. And then he poured us a glass of that one. And then I think my buddy couldn't drink his so I finished that one. The guy that made the wine was from Missouri and wouldn't stop talking about homemade booze or his hillbilly dad. It's not as if I had anything to say at this point - I'm not sure if I could complete a sentence - but the guy annoyed me. He repeated a story at least once about how his dad was in an emergency flood zone and had no idea that everyone had been ordered out or vacated until he realized he didn't get mail in four days. I guess he was living off the land. And we were all too drunk to give a shit I guess so he repeated it in case we missed the cool part. Then all of a sudden we were outside. I'm not sure if someone had to smoke or if we were about to leave or what. And I'm not sure if it was that this dude wouldn't stop fucking talking or because of his stupid hair cut, but I put my arm out straight, let my hand float for a bit, and slapped him upside the face. I was sure he did something to provoke me but my friend is sure that was not the case. Then he punched me once or twice. I didn't see any of the punches thrown but I felt one, the same one I can feel now when I chew. One of my buddies stopped me from pursuing him into his apartment and while he was holding me I got hit a couple more times I think. I can kind of remember both wanting to punch him back and sincerely wanting to ask why he was so angry. A slap isn't that big of a deal I thought. Anyways, it's not something I would ever do sober but I'm glad I did it. I'm not sure if it's more because I didn't like the guy or because he punched me. But I feel like I won something. Man that guy was pissed. "You're not welcome here! You come into my house?! Drink wine I made from fifteen pounds of crushed strawberries?!" lmao. So yeah, then I walked home in the rain and must have fell in some mud on the way. I wake up in the afternoon and text my alcoholic friend. He says he fought the other guy at the apartment after I left. I asked why and he just responded "Bum Wine." Man I miss this town while I'm away.

Dr Doom

07-13-2011, 09:13 AM

I don't think you won anything, but at least you didn't lose anything either, lol.

Jack Roller

07-14-2011, 12:44 AM

Update: I slapped my friend Jason and the other two guys too. The only one I didn't slap was my friend that broke up the fight. I must have been quick on the draw. And this explains why the other dude was pissed too. Then I'm told the reason I wanted back in the apartment despite the owner punching me was that I wanted to wait out the rain.

Jack Roller

08-05-2011, 10:40 PM

I'm sure you've heard of what they call "rock bottom" where an alcoholic hits and realizes they have a problem. I kind of have those but they're really just grave warnings to me to not drink hard liquor in public and stick to beer. This story is about one of those times.

It's Wednesday night. Two-fer night at the bar. You buy a beer and a shot and you get two beers and two shots for the price of one. I'm meeting a high school friend and haven't seen him in a while and when he gets there we get shitfaced. I start about about 9pm and then around 1am we decide to drive across the river. I have no idea how my friend is driving but I'm too drunk to care.

Now in my hometown, if you cross the river you get another hour of drinking, because on the other side is technically where the Mountain Time Zone starts. No other businesses use that time zone though - just the bars, so they can get an extra hour of business. And the percentage of wasted people on that side of the river is very high. What's more is you get a mix of cowboys, indians, and blacks that I haven't really seen anywhere else and with that much drunkenness, it can get wild. It's like a redneck version of Mos Eisley Cantina.

Anyways, we go to the strip club and my friend decides to just play video lottery there. I sit at the bar to drink Budweisers and maintain, although I'm not maintaining. The liquor is still getting me more and more fucked up the longer I sit there. A stripper sees me, no doubt because I'm obviously on auto pilot, and starts talking to me. I ask if she wants a drink and she says "hell yeah!" I buy her a few. She says she's from Louisiana but I'm sure she's from Milwaukee where they get all the black strippers from in that town. All I can really remember is we talk about rap briefly and I clown her for her top five since there's three New Yorkers in it and she's from the midwest (pet peeve of mine) and she obviously hasn't given it much thought. And then I remember asking what she was doing later. From here it gets blurry.

I don't remember riding the shuttle to her place. I just realize I'm in a cheap hotel room with a stripper. I don't know what to expect and she's just going about her business making an pasta alfredo microwave dinner that she added shrimp to. I'm thinking "Fuck, she's gonna have garlic breath." And I clown her for ruining shrimp in a microwave. She gets a bit annoyed. She eats fast then asks to suck my dick. This is where I realize things have gone wrong. I'm just watching tv and fine at this point and she's getting mad, saying she has to sleep. I ask what her problem is and she starts saying "I'm tryna suck yo dick so you can get the fuck out of here."

Fuck. I realize at this point I'm in a hooker's hotel room. And I'm a John. All kinds of shit flashes through my brain. "I'm living with my parents. They'll kick me out." "The cops are bored as hell in this town, they might have seen me come in here." "I don't want alfredo sauce on my dick, GROSS!" And she gets even more mad with the delay that she goes to the phone and says she's gonna call somebody. This is when I get the fuck out.

I'm about to call my friend I was drinking with when he shows up out of nowhere. My memory was spotty at this point and I see later that I did call him at some point although I don't remember that at all. I just remember coming down the stairs of the hotel's catwalk and his car was there. I'm really fucking worried about him talking to anyone about this. His mom knows my dad. He knows everyone I went to school with. What the fuck do I tell this guy? Then I get to the car and this bleach blonde girl, wearing a giant white fur coat in the middle of summer, in his passenger seat. He took a hooker home! I was so relieved I slept all the home. But I learned my lesson. And to this day I only drink liquor a few times per year.

Dr Doom

08-06-2011, 05:32 AM

:dead: @ the moral of the story at the end.

cHIVe

08-07-2011, 09:19 PM

I keep forgetting that prostitution is illegal in some countries, lol. I was like "fuck is he worried about?".

Jack Roller

08-27-2011, 07:58 PM

I had the dumbest fucking dream today. My ex ditched her boyfriend for the night and we got a hotel room. We were there for a while at the point the dream started and we're about to do eet, and we're talking about how many times we already did it that night. We're playfully arguing about it when Dr. Kevorkian speaks up to correct both of us. He's sitting in a chair right by the bed. He says he can't believe we just went ahead and did all that with him in the room. I ask him why the hell he didn't speak up before then and realize stupid this shit is since I want to screw and I say "Get the hell out of here Kevorkian." Of course the housekeeper is cleaning our bathroom in the middle of the night for some dumbass reason and a guy that works at the hotel is chilling out and talking to her so I get them out. Then I'm just barely inside my ex and I woke up. Fucking stupid.

Jack Roller

08-31-2011, 10:51 AM

I used to work at a nursing home. I was a bit desperate for a job, so it wasn't my first choice for spending money, but I got over it. Anyways, the job ended up being pretty cool. A lot of old people are assholes without filters so I enjoyed the banter. I loved pissing off old bitches. Like if a lady was watching the Lawrence Welk show I'd tell her "You know this is a rerun, right?"

Anyways, this one lady was really cool. Her name was Shirley and she watched almost nothing but the syfy channel and always said what was on her mind. She was a cool lady. And she was a big lady. Really big. And she couldn't walk. Diabetes and just being old I guess did it, and she had this sling connected to this crane-like machine that would lift her up off her bed when we had to move her. We also used it for lowering her onto the toilet.

So one day I go to help her with this 60 year old, lazy bitch named Bernice I work with and Shirley has to shit. And bad. So we get her raised up off the floor and we're moving her over and she's like 4 feet up in the air and she starts farting. So of course I say "Speak up sirrrrr! We'll find youuuu!" And she starts laughing her ass off and shits all over the floor. So I start laughing my ass off and that makes Shirley keep laughing and Bernice gets fucking PISSED. So we laugh more. Bernice starts cleaning up the mess and grumbling and trying to make me feel bad. And Shirley points out that it's all my fault because I made her laugh. All the while, my coworker keeps looking at me and cleaning the shit up like being passive-aggressive is going to work on me. And nah, it didn't. That pretty much ruled. Not having to clean the shit up made it even better.

Dr Doom

08-31-2011, 04:41 PM

:rofl

Jack Roller

09-01-2011, 07:28 AM

Two Halloweens ago I went as a lucha libre wrestler. I got pregamed before the bar and when I got there I continued to get shitty all night. For a while I had a lot of fun. I took pictures with other people. I was happy drunk enough to dance at one point even.

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q93/parnivalplunder/26679_569482795164_41303517_33271784_1472745_n.jpg

Then it turned on me. I became an asshole. My friend Joe from Jersey was encouraging me and I went up and down the street heckling people. It wasn't hard because they usually said something stupid about my mask first. A girl in a short skirt told me my mask creeped her out. I told her "Your skirt being that short creeps ME out. I hope that herpes hasn't gone airborne!" And I would move on to the next victim. Jersey Joe was laughing his ass off.

Then I come across this douchebag in a suit with a backwards cap and a big magnet hanging around his neck. I ask "What are you? A dick magnet?!" And he laughs a little and says he had paper chicks taped to the magnet and girls took them all. I say "Bullshit! You're a dick magnet, aren't you?! I can't keep away!" And he starts getting a little perturbed saying "Yeah, yeah, ok whatever."

Then I'm about to leave and one more time I yell "Dick Magnet!" pointing at him and he gets gully. He runs up on me saying "I don't know what you think is gonna happen here but you won't like what happens if you don't shut the fuck up." I look at him like "Are you fucking serious?" And he keeps it up. I get up close to him and he asks what the fuck I'm doing and I'm waving my hand in front of my crotch screaming "I'm trying to reverse the P-P-P-Polarity on my PENIS!" And everyone waiting in line to get in the bar is fucking rolling. He calls me a loser and I walk off satisfied with myself and a guy in the crowd yells to me "I'd rather be a loser than a DICK MAGNEEET!!!!" So I start chanting "DICK MAGNET! DICK MAGNET!" and the whole line starts yelling it. "DICK MAGNEEET!!!! DICK MAGNEEET!!! DICK MAGNEEET!!!" And there's cops across the street probably wondering if they're going to have to earn their pay when this guy just gives up while the chant is going strong. It was glorious.

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q93/parnivalplunder/249308_627166032494_41303517_34131199_4482215_n.jp g

Jersey Joe took this picture when the guy thought shit was over and I screamed "DICK MAGNET!" the first time. You can see the hate in his face. lmao

Jack Roller

09-01-2011, 07:30 AM

Also notice the guy in the background that loves it. lol

Dr Doom

09-01-2011, 08:15 AM

If the internet could be categorized into elements, this thread would be pure gold, lmao.

NJ76

09-01-2011, 01:33 PM

:dead:
Incredible.

Jack Roller

09-12-2011, 12:34 AM

Just found another angry picture of Dick Magnet today. My head is more in this picture than the other.

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q93/parnivalplunder/11043_553865247854_41303729_32736623_3619987_n.jpg

Dr Doom

09-12-2011, 05:09 PM

Jack, be honest here. Is this you? lol

http://img3.imageshack.us/img3/6884/jackroller.png

Jack Roller

09-12-2011, 06:22 PM

Asshole. lol. I should have some pictures in October. Going to my college homecoming and my rival school's homecoming as well.

Jack Roller

09-21-2011, 06:49 AM

When the crowd I partied with at college graduated I made younger friends. So instead of strictly going to the bar I started going to house parties. I felt a bit weird at first doing this since when I got to college I was already 21. So at this point I was 25 and partying with 18 year olds. I got over it quickly.

The place I partied at most was called "The Parlor." It was called this because it was an old funeral parlor. It was nice as hell. Hardwood floors, lots of space - had a beer pong table with plenty of room, darts in another room, and a pool table upstairs.

Anyways, the place was great but this kid Curt, the guy that owned it, was a first class douchebag. The worst. He was the kind of guy that was always smiling but saying shit sideways just because he thought nobody would call him on it so they had to leave. And at first I tolerated him because I had friends that lived lived there. Then they moved out.

So one night I'm there and he has this thing going on in the kitchen where you can get all you can eat burgers along with the keg for 7 bucks. I give him a twenty and get to eating and drinking. Then this lovely girl that I know leaves the area and he starts talking about how he was the last guy to fuck her before her husband got her pregnant. He was just talking to her and then starts spreading this shit right when she got out the door. So I was a little perturbed. He's all smiles talking about how he was afraid the baby was his and then she let him know it wasn't and got married to the poor asshole that didn't know that Curt fucked his woman.

Things weren't good for Curt because I had pregamed heavily before this party and I was already shitfaced. And I'm getting pissed at this guy for existing and realize he didn't give me my fucking change for my twenty. I decide I've had my fill of burgers and I go to the grill they have set up in the kitchen, set the guy working it aside, and start flipping raw hamburger patties behind me with no regard to who's in the room. I get done flipping and start going for the exit when a guy says "Hey! I was next in line for a burger!" I growl at him "What the fuck are you going to do about it?" And he decides it's a rhetorical question.

The next day my friend Joe from Jersey is laughing about it and asking what the hell my problem is. I'm explaining that he was talking shit about that girl and that he didn't give me my change when I finally look in my pockets and realize he did actually give me my change. Now I didn't feel bad at this point. I was just upset I probably wouldn't be welcome there anymore. Not just because it was always crowded with young girls but because I hadn't pissed in every place I could yet. I had pissed in ashtrays, pool table pockets, the pitcher they used for beer pong (ok, I felt bad for that one), and every corner and closet I could. In case I forgot to mention it, I didn't like the guy.

So fast forward no more than a week and I'm at the bar with Joe and he keeps talking about how we need to go to The Parlor and drink some cheap keg beer. I tell him this is out of the question since there's no way it won't start drama the second I walk in the door. But he insists, and he swears everything is cool as he's talked to Curt and I'm still welcome there. It's hard to believe but I think about how much of a dick the guy is and figure maybe he's used to that sort of thing.

Then we leave the bar and get about ten yards from the back door and Joe says "Yo man, get ready." I ask "Ready for what?" And he says in his deepest Jersey accent "For a fight. It's gonna be like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game in there." I don't think at all. I just clench my teeth and go in there with my guard half up. And nothing happens... So I stroll over to the keg and start pumping for my first beer and Curt comes out of nowhere with that stupid fucking smile on his face, puts his hands on his hips like a girl, and asks in the most feminine way "Do you rememberrr flipping hamburgers all over my plaaace?" I say "Yeah, sorry man. I thought you didn't give me my change. But I found it." And he just says "Okayyy, just take it easy this time." And he walks off. What. The. Fuck.

I don't remember what happened the rest of that night. But I'm pretty sure I got shitty drunk and pissed in a plant or something.

Jack Roller

09-21-2011, 07:02 AM

That next semester...

So I mentioned that my friends moved out. After that he got people to move in that were worse douchebags than him. They really let the place go to shit and he was getting kicked out of the house (I assume by his parents). Anyways, one night I'm drinking with Joe, this Turkish kid Azmat, and Oseru at the bar. Azmat is drunk as fuck. He spent half the night asking girls to fuck - like seriously asking them to fuck - Turkey must be a pussy buffet, and now he was giving up. He tells us "My consciousness is going whoosh whoosh whoosh."

So we start heading home and stop at The Parlor on the way. Nobody is on the ground floor and we yell like idiots and there's no response. Shit is all over the place in the kitchen like they're preparing to pack up and on the table there's a crescent wrench. I don't even think about it. I just act on my first impulse and grab the wrench and smash a coffee mug while screaming "HIIII YAAAAAAAH!!!!" I swear I see a piece of it in slow motion hit Azmat who looks horrified. He screams "I need to get the hell out of heeeah!" and runs off. The rest of us die fucking laughing and I smash a few other things with the wrench and take a leak in the kitchen before I leave.

Unbeknownst to us though, Curt's douchebag tenants were upstairs. We find out later that week that they came downstairs, saw what happened, and decided to throw the pool table down the stairs and overturn everything they could to really fucking trash the place before they left. I was so fucking happy hearing that shit. It couldn't have happened to a better guy than Curt.

The next day I don't quite remember everything when Oseru sees me asks "Remember the wrench fella?" And damn, I love when I remember shit like that when someone brings it up. It's like magic.

Anyways, now Curt has a place in the country he calls "The Farm." I plan on visiting it in a couple weeks.

Oseru

09-22-2011, 01:00 AM

I'll let you borrow my crescent wrench ;) oh and i'll give you $5 if you poop in one of that fawck sticks shoes

Jack Roller

09-25-2011, 01:16 AM

Nah. Shitting on people's stuff is weird.

Oseru

09-25-2011, 02:34 AM

Nah. Shitting on people's stuff is weird.

Yet pissin all over their house like a cat marking territory is cool :whatthef:

Jack Roller

10-26-2011, 08:39 PM

This last weekend I was in Lincoln, Nebraska visiting a college friend that was back from Arizona for the week. He threw a costume party and a decent number of people showed up. I was dressed as Charlie Brown and drank heavily. I'm sitting at this table joking about shit and I'm on a roll until I say something completely stupid and my friend James starts a slow clap. It goes nowhere and a girl says "You have to wait for the right moment. You can't rush it." You know, like on Not Another Teen Movie. Lame.

Anyways, they made this drink called Tuna Juice. To make it they usually get a 2 liter bottle of orange soda, pour it out down to the top of the label, add cherry and grape kool-aid mix, and fill the rest with vodka. The vodka goes completely undercover and you can drink it like juice. Well this time they poured almost half of it out and used vodka and rum to top it off. I didn't taste the alcohol. I felt like they were playing a joke on people and I poored a decent amount of rum into mine. And it went down fast as hell. So after a couple of dixie cups I was a very drunk Charlie Brown. I had poured extra rum into the extra rum.

So this blonde at the party that looked like the female cop from Reno 911 (I realize that isn't the hottest chick in the world but I was smashed) is getting close to me and I'm thinking "Alright, let's see what happens." But I'm almost unable to speak and it's racking my brain just trying to think of how to make things happen. Then this half mexican (half fat) vampire chick asks who grabbed her ass because she'll fuck the guy, and I own up to it even though I was ten feet away.

So I'm on this chick like white on rice and she's talking about dirty shit and I tell her to come upstairs so we can talk about it. Then I grab some condoms out of this fake bible that a guy had for his dirty priest costume, and head upstairs while she goes in the bathroom to clean the fake blood off her face. She gets in the bedroom and I'm too drunk to come. I flip her over several times, switch up the speeds, grab her tits, ass - I try everything. Almost an hour of this shit. So I give up. And she leaves first. And thinking we were being sneaky I wait a few minutes and leave the room and walk downstairs.

The lady that owns the house is slightly miffed and said it sounded like I was moving furniture upstairs. I paid her no mind and headed outside and see the rest of the party standing in the yard in a semi-circle facing the window of the room I was in. And there was James standing in the middle with a shit-eating grin on his face. That's when he started a slow clap...

Dr Doom

10-26-2011, 08:53 PM

Jack Roller, the gift that keeps on giving.

Oseru

10-28-2011, 10:33 PM

Allow me to add that when the mexican chick made the comment about fucking the guy who grabbed her ass, Jack perked up like lion ready to take down a wounded gazelle. And when she came down the steps she made it down two of them before she fell back and flopped her way down the rest of them like she was some kind of amoebic slinky.

Pyramids On Mars

11-05-2011, 09:18 PM

Since this place was dead I decided to look around. Then I somehow ended up in this topic. Now I feel confused and lost.

Dr Doom

12-10-2011, 05:33 PM

The public demands more!

Jack Roller

12-19-2011, 06:35 AM

The roads have been free of snow and ice almost all winter. So this weekend I decided to go to my college town. Friday night I go to my friend Jason's house. He's the dude that punched me in the face two birthdays ago after I ripped his stupid, orange shorts in half and told him I was going to break his arm. Anyways, I find him in the basement playing his drums like Animal from The Muppet Show and he throws a Keystone at me. Then we go with Jersey Joe and some other dude named Luke to the gas station for beers. We pound them before heading to the bar and although I fucking swear Jason drinks half of everyone's shit I'm still pretty plowed.

My memory is very fuzzy after this.

We dropped Jason off at some shitty karaoke dive bar and Joe and I head to the pub. All I really remember is buying a couple of Irish Carbombs and asking for Mind Erasers - and pitchers of beer of course - pitchers of beer are a given. The owner, Todd (who is cool shit and encourages my drinking), stops me while explaining how to make a Mind Eraser and says "Fuck that. I'll give you three shots of Jag for five bucks." After this my memory is complete shit.

Then we go to the other shitty karaoke bar. All I really remember is the girl that Jason was trying to hit on had a friend with the biggest hips and ass and a tiny torso with nice titties on it. She was like a white Buffy the Body. And God knows I tried to fucking talk to her but I seriously couldn't look at her and talk at the same time. I was that shitfaced. I managed to ask what she did for a living but I'll be fucked I can remember what that is. I am pretty sure though that I circled her as we talked so I could continue looking at her ass. I'm sure that got me points.

So then we went back to The Pub... I really don't know what happened much at all after this. I do remember we closed the bar down. I do remember Joe got a pizza. And I remember getting on the drunk bus (safe ride home bus). I don't remember if there was an issue with us bringing pizza on. Food isn't allowed. And I don't know what it is I was screaming on the bus. I just remember some kid that's like seven feet tall from my hometown told me to "Shut the fuck up." So I started screaming more. I'm not sure if it was gibberish or if I was insulting people. And Joe was yelling around in his Jersey accent telling people to fuck themselves I guess. That's what Jason seems to remember. Anyways, we got kicked off the drunk bus. And on my way out the tall kid's mouth was moving so I slapped the shit out of him. And I'm pretty sure I made a noise like Liu Kang when I did it. Jason said at that point he went to stand up and everyone on the bus told him to sit down. So Joe and I got kicked off. But we were only like three blocks from home and we demolished the fucking pizza on the way. Jason pretended he didn't know us and stayed on the bus for another half hour before it circled back around. Fucker.

Anyways, that was Friday night. Today I'm fucking around with my phone and find this. So I have a feeling Joe was acting like this on the bus. I really wish I could fucking remember it. I don't remember taking this video at all. I wish I knew what the fucking music was from. I blurred things a bit in case Joe pitches a fit about it being on youtube. This shit had me rolling when I found it today. Sometimes drunken time travel is a good thing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Yp_zr54HAU

Jack Roller

12-19-2011, 06:42 AM

A conversation I had with a friend on messenger.

Anonymous says:
dude i figured something out yesterday but i don't know if i want to tell you cause it seriously sounds like i'm a schizo tripping balls on acid

Anonymous says:
there's centipedes that i think are living in my closet

Anonymous says:
and i have the hardwood floor so i couldn't figure out what the fuck they were living on

Anonymous says:
i spotted one yesterday and realized they're living off the cum in my nut rag

Anonymous says:
so i haven't jerked it in three days cause i'm trying to starve them out

Anonymous says:
it sounds fucking crazy but i think thats whats happening

Jack says:
lmao

Anonymous says:
to be honest i kind of am too

Anonymous says:
cause i figured that out and i broke it down in my head and said 'the centipedes in my closet are living off the spum in my nut rag'

Anonymous says:
i was about to commit myself right there

Jack says:
each nutshot has the calories of a porkchop

Anonymous says:
frustrating....

Anonymous says:
i've got blue balls cause i sound crazy

Jack says:
you should use paper towels and put them in the kitchen trash

Jack says:
problem solved

Anonymous says:
true

Anonymous says:
too true

Anonymous says:
kind of don't want to put cummy paper towels in the kitchen trash

Anonymous says:
just a sanitation thing....

Anonymous says:
my fucking room mate clips his fingernails in the kitchen and thats flat fucking nasty, let alone me taking my ejaculatory shop rags through there

Jack says:
it's the TRASH

Anonymous says:
i know

Anonymous says:
but still

Jack says:
a stiff sock where you sleep is better?

Anonymous says:
sort of

Anonymous says:
its not around food

Jack says:
neither is the trash

Jack says:
that's why it's the trash

Anonymous says:
i've had too many cases of food poisoning not to be paranoid

Dr Doom

12-19-2011, 07:26 AM

lol @ Kefka and his "I am Lord Humungus" speech.

Oseru

12-19-2011, 03:07 PM

Drunk Joe is fun :P

KTULU

12-20-2011, 05:31 AM

im dyin over here

Jack Roller

12-23-2011, 08:07 AM

When I was in the army there was this kid Jermaine Smith. He was a Jamaican kid from New York. And he was dumb as hell. He was good looking (no fucking homo), but dumb as hell. How dumb was he? Smith once tried to stop a fire truck that had its sirens on when we were on a battalion run. My company commander had to run up and throw him out of the way like something out of a fucking movie. But it doesn't stop there. He was in my section. That means he was a medic. And on two separate occasions he attempted mouth to mouth on people that had simply suffered concussions. How he survived trying to lock lips with dudes in this bastion of hyper-masculinity I will never know.

I hated this fucker. The reasons I give may seem petty and they probably are. But I'll list them anyways. First of all, he was an idiot and a danger to anyone he practiced medicine on. Secondly, he thought he was God's gift to women. But for some reason he still had to lie to them. "Nah, I'm not in the army, I just do this on the weekends. I'm going to school for physical therapy... Nah, that's not my car, my Acura is in the shop...." Then after a pause he'd slam his phone down and yell "BITCHES IS STUPID!" Although this made me realize that the "bitches" on the other side of his phone were actually not that stupid, for years I thought this was the smartest thing Jermaine Smith ever said - "Bitches is stupid." Third, he thought being black meant he could kick my ass. He heard from people in another battalion that I was telling the fire truck story and he called me a cocksucker in front of our section officer. Our section officer was also Jamaican. I told him "Smith, if you think I won't skulldrag you just because Lieutenant Antoine is here, then you have me fucked up with someone else." Lt Antoine then tried to squash that shit. He also talked to the rest of the medics about it. That was when Brunson, another medic, said "Smith told me he wanted to kick Jack's ass as if I was gonna agree with him because he's black. Jack would fuck him up." Antoine dropped it then for whatever reason (he was a fucking racist).

So later in the barracks... One night I'm doing whatever, drunk as usual (I didn't know what water was during that time), and Smith stops me in the hallway. He asks me if I want to go offpost. He says this because soldiers aren't allowed to keep their guns onpost. He means to scare me. I tell Smith if he ever stops me in the hallway again I'm going to punch him in the fucking throat.

So I guess that last paragraph didn't show a petty reason for me to hate him. Here's one. One day after physical training I'm cleaning the floor and Smith doesn't help because he says his ankle is dicked up. I let it slide not only because I'm a good person, but because I don't want him fucking up my floor. We get to formation and my platoon sergeant says the person with the best uniform gets the day off. He sees Smith's perfect boots and gives him the day off. As soon as Smith hears this he runs out of the motor pool. I wanted to run and tackle that fucker like a lion would a gazelle and rip his throat out. Instead I kept it in. Not sure why.

Then my prayers were answered. The medic section (there were about twenty of us - a large group) were being taught how to use a defibrillator. We were being taught by a giant redheaded fucker named Staff Sergeant Eisman. In artillery white dudes are the minority, so a redhead non-commissioned officer was rare as shit. He had the attitude to match. So he's showing us where to put the patches for the defibrillator and they're color coded. He grabs the white patch and says "The easiest way to remember where to put this is to remember 'WHITE IS ALWAYS RIGHT!' You got that?! 'WHITE IS ALWAYS RIGHT!'" There were three of us white dudes in this twenty man section. I'm sure we were all looking at the ground. So he has a few of us try it out on a dummy. Then he wants us to try it out on people for some reason. We're told the machine, if turned on, searches for an absence of heart rhythm or a shockable rhythm. Then he leaves the room for some reason. As soon as he does my roommate Palmer (a redbone from Maryland), puts the patches on Smith. Then he turns the machine on. The lights come on and the thing is searching. And I'd be shitting my pants if it wasn't this piece of shit Smith. I'm trying so hard not to laugh at Jermaine as he's trying to lay completely still, taking deep breaths, hoping his heart won't give a shockable rhythm. It seemed like forever before they turned the machine off and took the patches off his chest. And he never complained. He just stared off into space realizing that nobody in our unit cared if he lived or died - and that a few of us really gambled with his life. This was probably one of the best moments of my life. I almost feel bad saying that. Almost.

Jack Roller

12-23-2011, 08:21 AM

Ok, reading over this last story and I feel like it makes me sound like a dick. I guess I want to emphasize that at one point he wanted me to fight him, and that at another point he threatened to shoot me.

Dr Doom

12-23-2011, 09:09 AM

And in other related news, the imaginary The Life & Crimes Of Jack Roller screenplay I'm planning has had a name change, and will from now on be called Luchador.

KTULU

12-25-2011, 02:41 AM

Jermaine lost.

Long shot, but you never ran into a Jamal in the army, did you?

Jack Roller

12-25-2011, 06:49 AM

Jermaine lost.

Long shot, but you never ran into a Jamal in the army, did you? I don't think I ever knew a Jamal period. I actually started posting right after he "lost" I think so I don't even know what his job was or where he was stationed.

Jack Roller

12-25-2011, 08:13 AM

I have a pretty good memory I guess. I can remember kindergarten very clearly. I remember the screening process before kindergarten. My mom dropped me off with some ladies I didn't know and there were kids I'd never met. They would ask us to do shit and most of it was fun. I remember they gave us clay. This native kid next to me made a monster truck with two flinstones type wheels under it and drove it around the table making sure we could hear the car noises he was making. I wasn't sure why he thought we'd be impressed. It was sort of cool. But I didn't understand why he wouldn't make a fucking dinosaur instead. I made a T-Rex. None of the other kids made dinosaurs either. Dumbasses. But the ladies writing shit down must have liked my T-Rex. I got into kindergarten.

Kindergarten was ridiculous. Shapes, colors, arts and crafts - then some kids got milk before we had naptime. Other than the time this kid Randy pissed his pants, naptime was lame. My parents never made me do that shit at home. Then there were times they seemed to let us do whatever the hell we wanted after our work was done. I did whatever the hell I wanted a lot. One day I was drawing a lion while looking at a circus poster. Even though I used markers I didn't screw up once and it looked badass. But I noticed there was a rip on the paper so I threw it in the trash. Then Mrs. Christopher saw it and asked why I threw it away. I pointed out the rip in the paper and she said that was no reason to throw away such a great drawing. She went to put it in my cubby hole for me. That's when she saw I hadn't done any school work in a very long time. My cubbyhole was full of shit I was supposed to do before I ever drew a lion.

She made a big production about it and made sure the whole fucking class knew how behind I was. Then she sat me alone at a table to get to work. Shapes. Fucking shapes. Did they think I didn't know what a circle was by now? That I couldn't tell that a big circle was more like a little circle than it was a square? They really didn't think so. Miss Califf, the teacher, had told my mom halfway through the first quarter "I haven't quite figured Jack out yet." Miss Califf thought I was a retard.

I can't see why. I never did any weird shit. I never cried for no reason. I never pissed my pants like Randy. And I was nothing like Josh. Josh was a total weirdo. He always had this crazy look on his face. And he was always doing dumb shit. I wasn't friends with Josh. But I liked that he was in my class. Josh would do shit like chase girls around with snot hanging down to his waste while he growled at them. Miss Califf would tell him to clean it up and he'd suck his snot up like a noodle. Miss Califf was horrified. I almost died laughing. At show and tell kids would talk about fish they caught. Josh would one-up everyone. "I went fishing at the dam and caught a shark as big as that wall!" What a dumb fucker. There aren't any sharks that big. Then one day I made a giant batch of red finger paint. I went to get the paper and came back to see Josh with the tray up in the air gulping it down. He drank the whole fucking thing, then stared at me with his crazy, dumbass eyes growling like he did when the snot was hanging from his nose. He had red paint going down his chin like he was a vampire. I yelled for Miss Califf. She had to see what Josh did. Drank all of the finger paint. It was fucking awesome! Miss Califf didn't think so.

Josh wasn't around after that. It turns out I wasn't the retard. Josh was. Suck it Miss Califf. It's not her fault though. The ladies at the screening that made us play with clay must not have seen him growling and eating it. It was their fault for letting him in. Of course I knew he didn't belong with us the first time us kids went to the bathroom and he pulled his pants down to his ankles to take a leak in the urinal. And I was dead certain later on when he shit in one. The normal kids kept their pants up when they pissed and jumped on top of the urinal and flushed the handle until it overflowed onto the floor. At least I did anyways.

Jack Roller

12-25-2011, 08:16 AM

I was going through shit at my parents house and found something my first grade teacher wrote my parents. It was this small piece of lined paper with school shit like pencil's and crayons printed on one corner and it said something like "Every once in a while when a child walks by Jack he gives them a push or a shove. I think he's a nice boy but..." And I don't remember this note at all. If I had taken it home I would have been thinking of my dad kicking my ass the whole way. I lived a long way from school. I would have remembered that walk. For some reason I didn't.

I also don't remember being an asshole in the first grade - not a bigger asshole than anyone else I guess. We all fought other kids before school. But they were mostly wrestling matches. And it was almost always groups of kids, not one kid picking on another one. And it wasn't a big deal. We were little kids. We weren't knockout artists or anything. If someone started crying or got a bloody nose we all ran our asses off away from them.

When we got to second grade we fought the first graders almost every morning. It was mostly a joke. This first grade kid named Todd thought he was a real badass. He had hair as long as some of the girls and he would actually kick people. We all wondered who this fucker was kidding. Kicking? Did he think he knew Kung Fu? We called him Karate Kid. It wasn't a compliment. I never thought twice about throwing Todd to ground. But a friend of his scared the hell out of me. He wasn't mean or a great fighter or anything. He just had a huge head. I mean there was a fucking melon on this kid. I didn't dare punch that thing. I'd probably break my hand. Day after day I stared at that thing in the morning before school. People would scrap and it was bullshit. Nobody really got hurt. But I made sure that big-headed bastard was nowhere near me. Then one day I'd had it. I was tired of living in fear. I pushed through the make-believe brawl in progress, pushed his dance partner aside, and started windmilling on his noggin. I was hitting that thing like a fucking drum. It wasn't near as hard as I thought it would be. Then I noticed all the other kids had scattered to the far corners of the playground. He was crying. So I ran off too. Fists -1. Giant fucking head - 0.

So anyways, I think about this and all these pitiful scraps happened far from the sight of any teacher or teacher's aide. So I'm not sure why Mrs. Johnson wrote that shit to my parents. I have a pretty great memory of most other things back then. Maybe I didn't want to remember after my dad belted me. If that's what it was I don't remember the belting. And maybe it's because my attitude was short-lived. This asshole that was way too big to be in the same grade as me started fucking with me every day. I always wondered why he started screwing with me. Maybe it's because I was like Mrs. Johnson said. Maybe I was walking around like my shit didn't stink and I gave him a shove.

Dr Doom

12-25-2011, 09:20 AM

So you wonder why the teacher wrote that note, and can't remember being an asshole, but then flat out admit you beat the shit out of a kid because he had a melon-sized head that freaked you out? No offense Jack, but being able to look at other people and knowing they're stupid assholes does not automatically mean you're not also a stupid asshole. Or as I like to say, we are all stupid assholes.

Jack Roller

12-25-2011, 09:23 AM

I didn't say I wasn't an asshole. Just that I wasn't a bigger asshole than anyone else.

Jack Roller

12-25-2011, 09:26 AM

Ah I see what you're saying but yeah, I followed it by saying not a bigger asshole than anyone else. lol

Dr Doom

12-25-2011, 09:26 AM

Well, at least you did me a favor because I was thinking about the imaginary Luchador screenplay and realized I would need childhood stories to put your life into perspective. So with that taken care of, I wonder if you happen to have any specific life events tied to your fascination for luchadors, and the idea behind wearing the luchador mask every Halloween/costumed event/etc.

Jack Roller

12-25-2011, 09:58 AM

Hm. The first time I bought a mask was in the army when I went on a trip to Cleveland. I had always liked lucha libre wrestlers in WCW. I bought it for the hell of it. Then on a trip to Oberlin (a university that's super liberal and crawling with weirdos) my army buddy Chis wears this mask to a university picnic. The mask is crazy looking and it's pink and gold. We start playing frisby and he's running his ass off making diving catches like frisby is the most important thing in his life. Then he'd jump up and throw it while screaming. Everyone thought he was mentally handicapped. It was hard not to laugh. Because everyone was watching at this picnic thought he was retarded so they were trying to be polite and they were all biting their tongues but couldn't look away. Then Chris would jump for the frisby, catch it and do a somersault before he flipped it way off course into a bunch of people screaming "WHOOOOO!" A few proper looking old people would snicker despite feeling sorry for him and fuck, that was hilarious.

Anyways, I gave it to this Mexican dude named Castrejon, and he took the mask one day to California and gave it to his kid. So that was the end of it for a while.

Then I decided I would be one for Halloween at the call center I worked at. That was uneventful.

I guess the night I really got into it was Cinco de Mayo in 2007. My friend James pretty much dared me to wear a mask. It didn't take much daring. I got a good buzz on with some Dos Equis and I walked with my friend James and Jay to The Pub. The bar wasn't too crowded but there were enough people. And wearing the mask I felt a bit self-conscious so I drank more. I got really shitfaced. As the night went on it got more crowded and people were getting more to drink and wanted to ask what the fuck my deal was. I started shit talking everyone. And I'd been going to this bar since 2002 so I felt like I could get away with quite a bit. Girls were taking their picture with me and guys were yelling shit. And I was acting like an ass. There was this cute bartender there that night. She had nerdy glasses and a big ass. She was so hot without even trying to be. She knew me and thought it was be a good idea gave me a small bat (what the fuck?) and a couple of piñatas. I started throwing them up and wailing on them so she ran back behind the bar. Then I had a thought. The place next door was owned by the same guy. More piñatas to smash. So I run outside to go over there and the bartender chases after me and grabs the bat back. I should have told her my plan I guess.

So I go back in and obviously I have no impulse control left. I'm walking by the broken piñatas and see this cute blonded bent over in front of me picking up candy. So instead of wondering if my next idea is a good one or not, I make sure my friends are looking. Then I grab this piñata that was made to look like a Corona bottle, rip the top off, and shoot candy all over this girls back like I just pulled out of her ass to come on her. I'm jacking this bottle of candy off onto this poor girl and I can't stop fucking laughing. My friends looked like they were going to die. I'm sure I did other shit that night but that part clouds over everything. And after that night it was all the workers in the bar could talk about. So I did it again. It was always a great time.

One night I loaned a mask to Jersey Joe. He said later kind of the same thing I said. He felt the need to drink more than usual. Then he said he felt some anonymity that made him want to do stupid shit. That he felt like he had the Venom symbiote on. That's not too far off I think.

Dr Doom

12-25-2011, 10:17 AM

So basically it's like the mask from The Mask, lol.

Jack Roller

12-25-2011, 10:21 AM

So basically it's like the mask from The Mask, lol.

Basically. One time I was knocking on a girl's dorm room window with it on. The bar had closed and I knew she was easy. A cop stopped me, asked what I was doing. I explained I knew the girl. Then he asked for my ID and said some shit in his radio. He never asked me to take my mask off which I thought was odd. Luckily that story never got around the dorms.

KTULU

12-26-2011, 10:54 PM

Do you buy nice masks from highspots.com or is it some dollar store shit? I think I need to get a La Parka mask and try this shit.

KTULU

12-26-2011, 10:57 PM

http://www.highspots.com/wrestling-masks.asp?id=49&sort=datenew&page=1

lookit all dat shit

tiger mask mask goes hard

Jack Roller

12-27-2011, 01:09 AM

corazonfairtrade.com

maskmaniac.com

elucha.com

maskedwrestlers.com

Pretty sure I'm forgetting one but yeah highspots is one. I wanted to get a custom made one on highspots but can never settle on a design.

Jack Roller

12-27-2011, 01:09 AM

And yeah, tiger mask is amazing.

Oseru

12-27-2011, 07:18 PM

The masks are great. Chicks will make out with you for talking like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. The drinking too much thing is definitely true.

KTULU

12-28-2011, 05:25 AM

thanks jack, gonna buy some of this shit

KTULU

01-07-2012, 10:30 AM

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venetian_mask

The mask would permit the wearer to act more freely in cases where he or she wanted to interact with other members of the society outside the bounds of identity and everyday convention. It was useful for a variety of purposes, some of them illicit or criminal

Jack Roller

01-07-2012, 10:54 AM

lol

Jack Roller

01-07-2012, 11:16 AM

That was a good read. Very interesting.

KTULU

01-08-2012, 01:21 AM

i forgot what i posted, i was hammered, had to go back and read it myself

apparently i was watching lucha, then i studied masks in general, then i remembered eyes wide shut, then i remembered ive never seen lolita, so i downloaded that and watched it and was disappointed

i didnt know there were any skippable kubrick movies, but yup, theres one

the books probably really good, ill have to find it

Jack Roller

01-08-2012, 11:17 AM

I thought Barry Lyndon was skippable. Never got around to seeing Lolita. Supposedly my girlfriend reading that book was what got me laid for the first time. Doesn't mean the book was great though I guess. That might have just been when her hoebag genes were activated.

KTULU

01-09-2012, 01:21 AM

barry lyndon is technically amazing, has a lot of subtle wit, but its also fucking long and its about prissy englishmen, so i wouldnt exactly use it in a "hip hop and film" undergrad class

Jack Roller

01-09-2012, 02:17 AM

I liked the visuals, the landscapes were great, and from what I remember an Irish guy was pissing off a little english boy that thought he was entitled - but yeah, the thing I remember most about it was that it was long as fuck. Never felt that way watching a Kubrick movie until then.

Jack Roller

02-05-2012, 01:41 PM

Welp, I had signed up for the Army in the fall of my senior year of high school. It didn't get me out of football but I was allowed to skip wrestling that year. I was glad because the coach was fucking crazy and almost took a swing at me while I was taking a piss once (he was legitimately nuts and ran his car into a semi truck the next year), and I didn't want to get injured and miss out on getting the fuck away from my family.
I turned 18 that summer in July and on my birthday I was dropping my best friend off at a guy's house so he could smoke weed. Carrie was there. She was a girl I knew from school and she begged for me to come in. It was almost exactly a month before I was to ship out and there was just no way I could do it. She pleaded. It wasn't fucking fair. I had a crush on her for years. She was short, had a nice ass and very respectable rack and the cutest face. She naturally tan and had dirty blonde hair, big brown eyes, and dimples. We had almost never spoken, and I could tell that day that I had a chance with her. The guy that lived at the house was a loser. She was definitely just there for the pot. But fuck. I had to get the hell out of town and pissing hot was going to send me back. So I drove home. My dick had never known a woman but it wept anyways.
In August my father drove me to Sioux Falls so I could get the last of my processing done and fly out the next day to St Louis. He was uncharacteristically decent that trip and I hated him for it. When we shook hands at the hotel it was the first time I could tell he really cared and it really fucked me up. I realized he was actually a great father in his own way and wouldn't have wanted another. I wanted to thank him so badly for everything he'd done over the years that I almost said it. But he would have probably thought I was acting like a pussy so I kept it to myself.
The next day at processing we had our medical exam. We were told this doctor was from some part of Russia and hated repeating himself so we better listen and answer his questions immediately. Soon I was in with the doctor. He looked like Colonel Sanders and his accent made me feel like a POW. Amongst a number of questions he asked one of them was "Do you smoke the pot?" I told him "Nah, but I've been around people that do." He said "That does not mat-ter. Just so long as you do not smoke the pot." Then he asked me to undress. I was worried about this part because my feet had been fucked up since birth. I had always heard of people not getting in the service for having flat feet. But he didn't seem to care about the bottom of my feet. He did want me to straighten out my toes though. My toes had always been bent. It looked like I could catch fish with them. He asked me to straighten my toes. I tried. He repeated himself, only slightly annoyed. "Straituhn your toes." I tried harder. I didn't want to explain they were always that fucked up. This time he screamed it at me. And then somehow, for the first time ever, my toes all straightened. Fuck yeah. I was overjoyed. He scribbled something on his clipboard and sent me out.
It was not long after this that I found out I didn't have to have a piss test before I left. I couldn't believe it. All that willpower, all the sacrifices that last month. They were all for nothing. My dick grumbled at me about Carrie and then wept again.
That night I had to share my hotel room with a guy that was joining the Air National Guard. He kept talking about all the parties he was going to miss that summer while he was at basic training and how he couldn't wait to get back. I hated him. Pussy couldn't go regular, had to go guard. He was going to be back home at Fort Couch in a few months. He had college all figured out. This next couple of months was going to suck but then his future was going to be paid for and pussy would rain from the sky. What a bitch. Fuck that guy. But really I was pissed at myself.
The next day we were partnered up with the people we were going to our bases with. I was going on the same plane as Austin from Sioux Falls. He seemed like an alright guy. A bit taller than me and really skinny. He was my age but seemed very serious. We were also with this blonde girl. She was a little older than us but very pretty. And she was very nice. I've forgotten her name though, most likely out of spite, because she obviously liked this regular asshole named Austin. Austin was going guard too. They chatted about almost nothing the whole time we waited to get on our plane. She laughed at shit he said that was seriously unfunny. Hoebag. When it was time to leave, Austin gave me my ticket. Austin had volunteered to be in charge of this trip. Austin seemed to already think he was a soldier. Austin was a skinny, little cunt.
When we landed in St Louis we made our way to the USO. There were directions that led us to a table where a soldier in his BDUs (battle dress uniform) spoke loudly in a British accent. I wasn't sure exactly what his rank was but could tell he was a sergeant. He was seated across from an empty chair. He asked Austin for the packet he was given and Austin gave it to him and sat down at the empty chair. The sergeant screamed "I didn't tell you to sit in that fucking chair!"
I instantly liked this sergeant. I could tell he had that empty chair there just for that very purpose. So bitches like Austin that thought their shit didn't stink, and volunteered to handle the packets, would try to sit across from this guy as if he was his equal so he could get abused. Austin stood up quickly and clumsily although he tried to keep that stupid, serious look on his face.
We were told where to wait and we got on a bus to Ft Leanord Wood. It was dark soon after and the bus got cold as shit. I was seated next to a cute black girl and she was very close. I thought maybe I was crowding the seat but then it was obvious she was cuddling with me. Having no experience with women I was lightheaded the entire time and couldn't sleep. I thought about putting my arm around her. I wished I was the sort of dumbass that thought asking her for a handy would be good idea. There had to be at least a one in a million shot she would give me one. But as my shit luck would have it I wasn't that stupid. When we stopped she apologized for being all over me in the cutest voice possible and said "But we were warm, huh?" and I regretted not asking for the handjob. My chances had obviously been at least one in a thousand. Then some female not much older than the rest of us jumped on the bus and tried to act bad. Screamed at us to get off the bus. So we did. The second biggest fuckup of my life had begun.

Dr Doom

02-05-2012, 02:21 PM

lol, you know with that last sentence we all expect a sequel, right?

KTULU

02-09-2012, 02:05 AM

good read, waitin for the next installment, throw the money in the bushes

Jack Roller

02-14-2012, 04:10 AM

So I'll continue the army shit tomorrow hopefully. My friend Jason, the drinker, is trying not to drink anymore. So it reminded me of the first time I hung out with him.

My roommate, Gunner, was a Strongman competitor before he got his job at the call center I worked at. He was one of those guys that would lift Atlas Stones and throw heavy shit to win small amounts of cash. He weighed about 385 at this time at 6'3". A couple years later and he shed over 100 pounds so he could meet the weight limit for mixed martial arts, 265. He got a group of fighters together in a makeshift gym we started in the back of an old printing place. And he was scary good even though he hadn't fought yet. When Gunner hit the heavy bag it looked like he was socking a fucking pillow.

Soon it was the weekend of his first fight. And everyone at the call center wanted to go to Sioux City to see him fight. I wanted to go too. But I wanted to get shitfaced. That's where Jason came in. Jason had been to treatment. To save his family he'd gone clean and he needed to stay clean. So I was getting a ride with Jason.

Jason is nuts. He used to manage a high end steak restaurant in Minneapolis and now he was working at the call center just to make some extra dough when he wasn't doing mortgage shit. He can talk people into anything. And it got him places. His house was fucking nice. I walked in there and I was afraid to touch anything. So I'm ready to just hop in his truck and get down to Sioux City when he asks me if he needs to get me some beer. This is when I feel bad. I decide I'm not drinking, not in front of a guy that could lose half of this shit if I fuck with his willpower. I tell him I'm not drinking. He knows I want to so he says it's alright.

"Nah I'm not drinking dude. I'd feel like a dick drinking in front of you."

"So you're not going to drink there?"

"Nah."

"Dude, everyone will be drinking there. I can handle one more person drinking. Don't let me fuck up your night. Get something for the way."

"Alright, I'll get a six pack. But what if you want one? I can't turn you down. I'll feel like an asshole."

"Dude. Do not give me beer. I will not be drinking."

So we went to the gas station. The six pack turned into a case. Jason knew I was a heavy drinker and wasn't letting me puss out. We get back to his house so he can finish getting ready and I drink a couple of beers. He's finishing getting ready and offers me a Vicodin. He has a crockpot pulled out of his cupboard that's full of all sorts of sleep meds, post-op meds, muscle relaxers and he's offering a Vicodin out of it. I tell him I can't. I've never done it before, don't want to mix them with beer. But I'm curious. I ask him what they do exactly. He says "It just makes your beer make you happier." While this sounds great I tell him I just can't. And he talks me into putting one in my wallet just in case.

So we get about ten miles down the road and we're in the middle of the country on a back road off the interstate and I slam beers three and four. I'm not drunk by any means but I'm buzzing enough to pull the Vicodin out of my wallet. A ways later and a few beers after and I'm repeating what Jason said. "It makes your beer make you happier... They should market this shit that way."

"I fucking told you dude. Throw me a beer."

"Nah. We talked about this man. No beer for you."

"Nah fuck it man, I'll be alright. Throw me one."

"Nope. Not tonight."

So he dropped it. Then after a couple of minutes after what was calm silence he asks "Hey Jack, you want another Vicodin?" And he's saying it like he's just giving it away but really he's telling me he already gave me one. And I could have this one too but he wants me to roll around in my head what an asshole I am drinking in his truck while he has to be sober, and taking his Vicodins on top of that. So I gave him a beer.

We get to the arena and get a good parking spot and shotgun beers in the car. Jason has decided to get wrecked. I am feeling goofy already. I stick a couple of full cans in my jacket sleeves and we get in. Then we go to the concessions and I buy four beers. Jason does the same.

Then we find some seats in the nosebleeds and continue getting ripped. Every fighter from our gym is kicking ass. Gunner is a heavyweight so he's fighting close to last. We go down a few times to get more beers. We have empties all around our seats which helps us find them when we come back. On our way back the last time Jason decides we should just sit in the VIP seating. There's a table open. So we did. Gunner's fight is close and we're both fucking hammered. Jason asks if I want another Vicodin. I ask him if it's going to kill me. He assures me that he used to drink loads of Jagermeister while he took them so it's totally safe. Then he hands me some kind of candy wrapper of some sort that's folded up elaborately. I ask him what the fuck I'm supposed to do with it. "You snort it!" I only pause for a second to think that maybe he shouldn't try to yell that over the music and yell back "The whole thing?!" He screams "No! Just half! Or you COULD die!" Then he sees I took him seriously and says he's kidding.

So I go in the bathroom and walk in an empty stall, close the door behind me, unfold this thing, very careful to separate it in half so I would live, and snorted it. It was only after I walked out of the stall that I realized I was not so discreet about this. I could have sat down, lurked a while, flushed before I left... But fuck it.

I get back to VIP seats and Gunner fights. He knocked the guy out in 17 seconds. We make jokes about Van Damme breaking the big Asian dude's record in Bloodsport and make our way out before the crowd. Gunner makes his way to the truck and gets in the back. Jason and I are up front and before he leaves the parking lot for the afterparty he offers me another folded up wrapper. I take it in my hands and unwrap it and Gunner growls from the back seat "Are you guys doing coke?!" I snort it and starting giggling my ass off, barely getting out a "Noooooo!" And Jason and I can not stop laughing. Gunner says "You better fucking NOT be!"

So we get to the bar downtown where everyone is celebrating after the fights. It's pretty lame. The guy Gunner knocked out finds him and buys him a beer. It was awkward. Then we went to the strip club on the corner. It was a halfway respectable place as far as strip clubs go. There was a bad one on the other side of town. That would be the place for meth-head strippers. This was one was a class above, coke-head strippers. As drunk as I was I started throwing money around. I always like to talk to strippers when they give me lap dances, get beyond the normal chit chat, and I can't remember what I said, maybe I told her about the sociology of strippers paper I wanted to do, but at one point this girl looked at me like I was a space alien.

So I get out of the back room and my friends are gone. I can't find them anywhere. It's close to closing time so I'm worried. I walk out of the strip club and try to find the car and realize I have no idea where we parked. So I get nervous. I go back in the strip club and the lady in the front stops me, says it's almost closing time. I try to explain that I'm from out of town and if I miss my ride I'm screwed but she won't let me in. So I just stand there and she snaps at me that I have to move to the side. I don't see the fucking difference. She wants me to move two feet to the side. They can go on either side of me but she wants them to go on my right side. I point to the spot two feet over and ask "Right there?!" She screams at me "Yes, right there!" So I stepped with my left foot and slid the right foot alongside it like an asshole. I was far too drunk to be in public.

Then I saw some Lurch-looking motherfucker go right in. I lost my shit. "Why the fuck does he get in?!"

"Because he fucking works here! That's it! You are out of here!"

Lurch comes back asking her what the deal is and she tells him I have to leave. I cross my arms and say "I don't fucking think so." That's when Lurch, and a buddy of his that appeared out of fucking nowhere, grab my arms. The next thing I know I'm halfway outside. I'm not a small guy so I'm fucking impressed. Then all of a sudden I smell fresh air and thankfully I land on my feet when they drop me down. I look up and Lurch, who's more than a head taller than me, is staring down at me smiling. The asshole is drunk and wants me to start something. I'm pretty sure I spit on him when I asked "What the fffuck are you gonna do?"

That's when he talked to some people behind me like a kid talking to his parents. "You need to take this one downtown." The people behind me were cops. They saw the whole thing. They didn't listen to him. They probably had to deal with people he pissed off all the time. That's probably why they were parked out there and waiting. They told me to go across the street. I very respectfully tried to tell them my story - out of town, friends were driving - again they told me to go across the street. So I did.

I waited for what felt like ten minutes but I'm sure it was less than two. Then I went across the street away from the strip club and crossed back onto the same block, but still across the street from the strip club, and then I have no fucking idea why but I made the square and walked back across the street in front of the strip club on my way to the bar where the afterparty was, my friends were sure to be there, everyone was getting kicked out of the strip club by that time. I get in front of the strip club door and turn down the street and the lady that had me thrown out is saying good night to a regular. She's happy. Probably a long night. But now she's laughing, ready to go home, says good night to a coworker. And as I walk in front of her I say out of the side of my mouth "Good night cunt." And she goes the fuck off. Screaming bloody murder. I hear the word "cunt" repeated over and over at the top of her lungs. I swear grabbing her ass or stealing her baby would have been better. Then I hear "Hey mouth!" I can't tell if it's the cops or Lurch but it's a man's voice and he's repeating it, demanding I come back. I walked as fast as I could trying not to laugh and got my ass back to the afterparty. My friends had been there the whole time.

KTULU

02-14-2012, 07:58 AM

http://i.imgur.com/2cBO6.jpg

Dr Doom

03-10-2012, 11:10 AM

Jack Roller

03-10-2012, 11:45 AM

Jack, as a former army dude yourself, how well can you find yourself in Garth Ennis' portrayals of soldiers? You know, the bitching about incompetent superiors, bullshit calls, crappy weaponry, comradery, etc.?

About superiors, you have non-commissioned officers (NCO's (Sergeants)) and commissioned officers (Lieutenant to General). You become an NCO at your fifth rank. It isn't automatic. You have to go through training and you are tested. But before that you obviously have to start out at the bottom as an enlisted soldier and work your way up.

Officers go to either ROTC or one of the fancy military academies like VMI or West Point (some go "Green to Gold" and become officer after being enlisted though). A lot of these guys come out of their school and think their shit doesn't stink. And it does. They're cherry. They're new. They went to school and when they come out they technically outrank Sergeant Majors (it takes well over a decade to make that rank and usually closer to twenty years than ten). This seems asinine to a lot of soldiers because it is.

The first rank of an officer is 2nd Lieutenant. Their rank insignia is a gold bar. So they are often referred to as "butter bars." Some of them are cool. They learn as they go. Some of them feel they have something to prove and overdo shit. And some of them think they're King Shit already and nobody fucking likes them. So bottom line, if they're in charge at a certain point and don't listen to the advice of people that have been in ten to fifteen years then yeah, it ruffles some feathers.

One of my favorite leaders was this guy that was a Staff Sergeant (six ranks up) that either just clearly didn't give a shit about the dog and pony show aspect of the army or had contempt for it. His uniform was never ironed, was obviously worn out, and he was missing his two front teeth. He did shit that made sense though. For instance he would go around in the field and tell people shit they might have missed in training. I learned about "running passwords" from him. Anyways, the officers and other NCO's hated him. They thought he was bad for the unit because he didn't look pretty. The army can be that gay.

Also this kid there was pretty big. In the civilian world not many people would call him fat but in the army he was one of the fattest for sure. But he would be the first person to finish his 12 mile ruck march every time. So everyone there runs at least 12 miles a week and does pushups and situps on the off days. Everyone is in shape. But this "fat" guy would jog back to the battery area with his 45 pound ruck sack first every time. They gave him an honorable discharge but it was an early one - because he was overweight.

Also one of the best medics in my section, definitely one of the smartest and perhaps the most competent, was kicked out for smoking weed.

I don't have any personal bullshit call stories from a conflict because I was never in one. My experience was very similar to the movie Jarhead. I heard stories of these but refrain from sharing them because rumors are everywhere in the army and you never know what is true. But there are so many stories of officers getting people lost that some have to be true. And I have to say I did experience their map reading fuckups in training now and then and we were on an American military base.

Crappy weaponry? Fuck yeah. The M-16A2 is/was a piece of shit and they kept it in the army for way too long. I can't imagine the M-4 is much better. That they would have such a rickety piece of shit and then decide they just needed to make a smaller one... Fuck. Definitely corporate shenanigans. The thing comes apart very easily to clean. And there are several pieces to it. So it looks way cool to take it apart really fast and put it back together. But seriously, fuck that. Having so many parts means it rattles when it's shooting and dirt gets in it from everywhere. And having so many parts means you would have times where you have to clean it in the woods and hope you don't lose a part or that nothing happens while you clean it. I have no idea how that shit EVER got the green light. And the NCO's - some were drinking the Kool-Aid and said it just needed to be cleaned properly and it wouldn't jam (which is bullshit but it helps obviously) and some just told people that because if it was dirty it would be worse. When at an obstacle course in San Antonio a retired Sergeant Major told us to grab an AK-47 the first chance we got and to throw our piece of shit weapon away. The reliability of the AK isn't exaggerated and that we don't use it just... fuck.

Beyond the weaponry, our vehicles were old pieces of shit that needed constant maintenance just to be ready for training, let alone war.

On comradery, I hated Fort Bragg. I hated being in the army. I hated being treated like a dipshit day in and day out, doing manual labor, being assigned jobs because other people feigned stupidity or were just flat out lazy, going days or weeks without seeing a female. But I still miss it at times because of the friends I had. My best friend is a dude from Cleveland and I know his family well. I'm making a trip to go out there this year. We worked hard in the army but everyone played hard too (save for the bible beaters). Guys would beat the shit out of each other one night and laugh about it during their hangovers the next day. There are a lot of liars and thieves in the military but you'll also meet some of the best friends you'll ever have too.

Jack Roller

03-28-2012, 06:16 AM

So when we got off the bus in Missouri they walked us into this lobby and let us know how it was going to be. All the people that were yelling at us were young and I got the idea that the others were sleeping and not worrying about us. After their shitty intro they took us to our barracks and gave us our bedding. We didn't bullshit much that night because we were tired from traveling there.

The next day they marched us back to the replacement building. There were older Sergeants there - one in particular that seemed to be in charge. They taught us basics - how to march, to face right, face left, etc. And they made us drink copious amounts of water. It was August in Missouri and it was muggy as shit.

I didn't get too attached to people in replacement. We weren't all going to the same basic training company. But there were some people that stuck out. This tall, huge (overweight), black kid named Johnson kept telling us what was going to happen. He could have told us anything and we would have believed it. His family was all military. And because he was big, people called him "Tiny" (lame, I know). Beyond him though other people had all this information about what was going to happen in basic training. At that time we took it as gospel, but later on I would find out it was complete bullshit. This big, hairy Italian kid named Zingarelli told us that after lights out one of the guys in the barracks would yell "GREASE!" and everyone would jack off right away at the same time so they didn't get caught. Another dipshit told us that if you got caught jacking off they made you wear your hat backwards around the post. There were other dumbass rumors I've forgot but this bullshit sticks out in my head for some reason.

We spend the day getting various immunizations, our haircuts, shitty meals, and then we go back to our barracks. This black dude named Jackson that has the bunk under "Tiny" Johnson really starts running his mouth. He has shit all figured out. He starts shaving his head and we all ask him what the hell he's doing but he knows what he's doing.

The next day we get back to replacement and the first thing the Sergeant notices is Jackson's shaved head. After asking him what the fuck he was thinking he starts calling him "Slick" and says he has something for him later. But in the meantime he makes Slick do some pushups. He's the first person that he makes do physical training in the replacement area but he's not the last.

There's this white kid that has glasses - looks like Brainy Smurf. His name is Private Bacon. Word is he got a perfect score on his ASVAB. And he looks like he's in love with himself. I don't even know how people knew he got that test score because I never saw him talk to anyone - I just saw him looking off into space thinking about how awesome he was - this sickly kid with glasses. Like I said though, in replacement they were teaching us the beginnings of marching, right face, left face, and so on. And this fucker could not do a right face. He would fidget and go the wrong way, then right, then wrong, and the sergeant in charge would tell him "Beat your face Bacon!" At that time Bacon would do some ugly ass pushups. I think everyone loved it.

At the end of the day we would go back to the barracks and more rumors would fly and we fucked off as much as we could. More people would get nicknames. An extremely short guy was dubbed "Hightower." Yes, we were very original in replacement. And the whole time there, we knew that this was summer camp, and the minute that the replacement soldiers handed us over to the drill sergeants we had no fucking idea what was going to happen. We tried not to think about it.

Jack Roller

03-28-2012, 06:57 AM

Our last night in replacement we didn't fuck around as much as usual. We all tried to sleep earlier that night. And I can't be sure but I think the rest of the boys there didn't sleep worth a shit either.

In the morning the replacement sergeant woke us up and told us to grab our sheets, blanket, and pillow, along with all our things. We grabbed everything and could barely move with it all. We had a dufflebag completely full along with our bedding as we walked out into the dark. It was foggy that morning. This was the morning we were going to basic. It was around 4 or 5 am, we didn't know. Nobody had a watch. They had us in formation holding everything and then out of the fog we saw men walk up with the round brown drill sergeant hats on. Tiny whispered to everyone "This is the real thing." And as if we didn't all fucking know already I was glad he said something in case some knucklehead didn't. We were completely quiet for the first time since we got there. The drill sergeants were far off in the fog and talking quiet enough that we couldn't understand them. This shit didn't seem real.

Then a couple of cattle trucks showed up and they started screaming at us. We all ran into each other. We dropped all of our shit, picked it up, ran into each other again. A few unlucky bastards had drill sergeants right on their ass screaming at them to get on a truck. Soon we were all on though and they didn't seem to drive at a speed where they were worried about people crammed onto the trailers while standing up. After we were on we had a couple of drill sergeants on screaming out orders. They were telling us to pick up our duffle bags. "PICK EM UP!!! PUT EM DOWN!!! PICK EM UP!!! PUT EM DOWN!!!" It went that way the entire ride.

When the truck stop they yelled at us to get out. I didn't have to be told twice. I hopped off and started running my ass off with that stuffed duffle bag. A drill sergeant was waiting on the long sidewalk to guide us in there and screaming at me to hurry up. He looked a little like Jack Dempsey. I sprinted my ass off, I was first off the bus and all alone. When I got near him he grabbed me by the shirt like he wanted to kick my ass. I was told they couldn't touch me at all. So much for that shit. He told me "SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!!!" He lets go of me and I start walking the sidewalk towards the front of the building. He runs up, grabs me, and almost throws me to the ground yelling "HURRY THE FUCK UP!!!! GET UP THERE!!!!" - pointing to an area in front of the building. I take off running and by that time people are getting off the bus so I have some time to breathe while they all get there.

As soon as everyone got in front of the building they got us in formation and did an inventory of all our items. They checked for every last thing in our duffle bags and if we didn't find it soon enough they fucked with us. There were twelve of them constantly going from one person to another and screwing with them as much as possible.

I didn't go out for wrestling my senior year and genetics had kicked in so I started to get big. Seeing me as not fit, they fucked with me right away. They had me put my shit aside while one drill sergeant yelled for me to hit the ground while the other kept screaming for me to stand up. "GET DOWN!" "GET UP!" "I TOLD YOU TO GET DOWN!" "YOU DON'T FUCKING LISTEN! GET UP!!!" "GET DOWN!" "GET UP!" "GET DOWN!" "GET UP!" "GET DOWN!" "GET UP!"

After a while they stopped. Jack Dempsey was one of them but he left. This black drill sergeant that looked like Eddie Winslow, the evil version, got in my face and said "You can stop now. Drink some water. You look like a pure D hog." As I drank water he stopped yelling and whispered "How much do you think you weigh?" Although we had been told from replacement to yell our answers, I was tricked into whispering back "about 190 drill sergeaaant." He started sputtering and made me do more pushups, cursing me the whole time.

I felt fine though. I could hear across the whole formation that people were being fucked with. I heard high pitched sounds coming from grown men - pure misery. And for some reason that kept me going.

About that time Private Bacon seemed to have been fucked with too much. This asshole that tested perfectly couldn't seem to find anything that was in his bag and he was at his breaking point. He was about to pass out. Four drill sergeants broke character and dragged him in front of formation and poured their full canteens on him to cool him down in case of heat exhaustion or heat stroke. At about the fourth canteen being poured, Bacon opened one of his eyes to see what was going on. The asshole was faking everything. Jack Dempsey caught him and the four of them started screaming their asses off, making him put his feet on the wall of the building to do elevated pushups. The rest of us had gone through the same shit and had made to run laps about 200 meters around the water tower in front of the building a few times. This was entertainment.

After inventory was over they had us split up into four groups that would be our platoons and started picking out our drill sergeants. We had all noticed a few of them not using curse words - telling people "You better doggone hurry it up." We all hoped we had those guys - especially after we saw they were drill sergeants for the same platoon. They went to one of the other four crowds though. A white one came in front of us - one of the assholes that really gave us a problem that day - and said "All y'all foolios are with me." I watched the whole line of people in front of me lose their posture like they wanted to give up.

After all that was over we were marched around the building to the supply building. There they had us sit in the shade and they all left while a female told us how to fill out our laundry slips. It was hard to stay awake and it seemed to be almost night time (they fucked with us for hours before this). Since it wasn't a drill sergeant telling us how to do laundry it was very relaxing - at least to me. About ten minutes into the talk, when I was about to zone out, Private Bacon jumped up and screamed "I'm gonna DIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" and ran off throwing his clothes off. I was too tired to give a shit. I guess that was the same for everyone else too. We didn't talk much that night. We slept like babies.

Dr Doom

03-30-2012, 05:55 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqymcJRSbxI

Any comment, Jack? lol

Jack Roller

03-31-2012, 12:28 AM

lol. I have not done anything of the sort. But I do collect trading cards of officers when I'm drunk in my college town.

Jack Roller

04-14-2012, 06:24 AM

The first two weeks of basic training was called "red phase." We didn't go anywhere without a drill sergeant and they were constantly fucking with us. We seemed to get little sleep at all and when we were awake it seemed we were either marching somewhere or getting smoked (made to do pushups, situps, run, etc as punishment). So when they gave us instruction it was a welcome break even though it was usually terribly fucking boring.
The best was when we had classes in the classroom. It was good and bad though. It was air conditioned so that was good, but it wasn't until you hit the air conditioning that you realized how nasty you were - sweat dripping all over and your uniform soaked in it. And it was nice to sit down for once in a chair but once you did you had to strain to keep your eyes open so you wouldn't sleep. The only truly great thing for me was that Private Bacon kept sitting down with the rest of the unit even though he had been told over and over by the Senior Drill Sergeant to just wait in the back away from the other recruits. So we'd all sit down and the Senior Drill - this huge grey-haired white guy from Tennessee - he'd yell "Bacon! Get the hell back here retard! Get back here you fucking muldoon! Elevate your feet!" Bacon would actually whimper before he got up and then you'd hear his boots hit the wall and more whimpering as he held his pose.
There were a lot of these classes. I've forgotten most of them. I remember one class they taught us how to write checks. They actually let us know that just because we had checks didn't mean we had money to back them up. This was just one of many times that I realized I was stuck with a bunch of retards for the next few years and regretted signing up. This class only stood out because of how ridiculous it was even though it was very mundane. But the class I remember most vividly wasn't boring at all. It was our first Equal Opportunity class. I had no idea what this class was going to be about. It seems neither did anyone else because we were all taken off guard.
Before the class, like all the other classes, they had us recite The Soldier's Creed at the top of our lungs. They were always coming up with bullshit reasons to smoke us and this was one way - they would say we weren't loud enough and then take us out and screw with us until they were tired of it. This time they said we weren't loud enough and instead of taking us outside, my platoon drill sergeant, a black guy from Baltimore named Spicer, and Eddie Winslow started to yell at the black kids. "All the N***ERS get your asses up front." "I want to hear the N***ERS show you how it's done!"
I think every one of us in that room had our mouths wide open. Besides the drill sergeants continuing to yell the n-word it was silent. It was a while before any of us took a breath. The drill sergeants kept it up. "I'll bet the n***ers can show how it's done! Get to the front of the class and use those darkie voices!" Then one of the black soldiers stood up and yelled "Let's represent!" He walked by Dempsey who smiled at the kid and growled "That's right. Represent." I was still confused as fuck when all the black recruits were in front of the class reciting the creed.
That's when Dempsey, and my white platoon sergeant, Rasmussen, started to scream for all the crackers to sound off. Again people looked around wondering if this shit was really going on. After the whites were done my platoon sergeant got back up to the front of the room and had us all sit down. He looked disappointed. He asked "Why did you guys come up front when I asked for the 'n***ers' to come up here?" Tiny raised his hand. "Because I thought it was an order." Sergeant Spicer then said "You should never take an order like that from anyone the rest of the time you're in the army."
So then it all made sense. We all felt a little foolish for not telling the drill sergeants to shove it - but only a little foolish. I mean who were we fucking kidding if we said we would ever tell them to fuck off at that point. So yeah, that was my first Equal Opportunity class. Spicer would later tell us that it was the brainchild of the Senior Drill Sergeant and that with how effective it was, he was going to keep using that model after the Senior Drill left the unit. I wonder if it's at all possible that it's still being taught that way by someone down there in Missouri. But I really fucking doubt it.

Jack Roller

04-17-2012, 10:12 AM

Last fall I went to my brother's college for their homecoming weekend. We're not much different. Anyways, I'm racing his friends doing shots and having a hell of a time getting drunk when I see my brother, a stong-looking but fat, bearded redhead, with three attractive women screaming his head off. Then they were all screaming like they were doing some pregame cheer. I couldn't catch everything, and I didn't want to mess up his game, but in between these cheers I get that he's told them he has some kind of terminal illness and he lives life to the fullest every day (which is half true about him - just no illness). Then he left with them.
About ten minutes later he comes back down into the basement bar we were at screaming "LIFETIME BAN! LIFETIME BAN!" Once he calms down a bit I catch in between his giggling that he went with the girls to a karaoke bar and when someone didn't go up for their song right away he stole it. Then he rocked out MMM-Bop while the girl that was supposed to sing it followed him around and pouted and then he spiked the mic like a football when he was finished.
So we get in line to take a piss and my brother is behind me. I notice a guy leaving the supply room as I go in the bathroom and as I'm shutting the door, I see my little brother grabbing the supply room door before it shut. It was like slow motion, I knew something bad was going to happen. I yelled "NOOOOOO." But the door shut behind him and I really had to piss so I forgot about it momentarily.
Then I hear that worker talking outside in the hallway to his boss.
"Someone's in the supply room."
"What do you mean someone's in the supply room?! How the hell did he get in there?!"
"... I don't know."
"Well what's he doing?!"
I knew what he was doing. It's what I would have been doing. He was pissing all over that supply room. I flush and get out of the bathroom, walk just out of the hallway, and hope for the best. And soon my brother runs out cackling and screaming "TWO LIFETIME BANS IN FIVE MINUTES!!! WE GOTTA GO!"

Dr Doom

04-17-2012, 10:21 AM

I read this and guess which song was playing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FS8y-7B2pEk

Yeah, the official Jack Roller Theme Song.

Jack Roller

04-17-2012, 10:24 AM

I love that fucking song!

Dr Doom

04-17-2012, 10:32 AM

No surprise there. Btw, reading about your red-bearded brother, why the fuck don't you have a mighty red Viking beard?

Jack Roller

04-17-2012, 10:39 AM

Just never had the courage to be in that beginner stage of a beard or mustache. My little brother has never given a fuck though. Maybe if I go back to school at some point. Although my facial hair isn't all one color. I have blonde hair but the hair on my chin is red. In other places it's blonde to dark. Another reason I never tried the beard thing.

Dr Doom

04-17-2012, 01:50 PM

smh, the first step to getting a beard is not giving a fuck. That's also the only step you have to take.

Jack Roller

04-17-2012, 02:13 PM

smh, the first step to getting a beard is not giving a fuck. That's also the only step you have to take. lol I need a new job before that.

Dr Doom

04-17-2012, 02:26 PM

Aren't you working in a call center? That's like the best reason in itself to need a new job, lol.

Jack Roller

04-17-2012, 02:40 PM

Aren't you working in a call center? That's like the best reason in itself to need a new job, lol. Nah. Haven't worked there for over 2 years. I did have a red goat while I worked there.

Jack Roller

04-28-2012, 07:14 AM

One night in basic we were awakened late at night or very early in the morning - not sure which. As a result, we were more exhausted than usual but the drill sergeants weren't yelling for once so it wasn't so bad. When we got outside we saw that other units were forming up. We were given no instructions other than to march.
On the way to wherever we were going we noticed a strange smell and a slight haze. Although it would almost certainly mean we were going to get smoked there was a lot of whispering about it going on. It seemed like the whole base was up and marching. Then we saw it was the whole base.
The marched us all onto a parade field. Soldiers going on forever in our physical training uniforms. Normally this only happens at ceremonies like an new officer taking command of a unit - but never at this hour. We were all standing there and still no instructions. The drill sergeants all talked to each other in hushed tones. And the smell and the haze were both getting stronger.
That's when Tiny's bunk buddy fell over, hyperventilating. I was scared shitless. And so was everyone else. But we all stood there like dipshits pretending we weren't. They came and took the kid away and still no explanation. After about an hour they marched everyone back and we went to our bunks to sleep. Tiny's battle buddy was in formation the next morning and he was fine. And that's the last time I gave this any thought until now. We never found out what that shit was about. Maybe we didn't want to.

Jack Roller

04-28-2012, 07:53 AM

Some guys complain because they didn't have female soldiers with them in basic. To me, they were one of the worst things about it. Sure, they were there. But if we were caught talking to them for any reason that didn't seem crucial we would spend any moment that wasn't something mandatory getting smoked for half the day. And since we weren't supposed to talk to them it made it so much worse to be around them. We went back to our bunks at night surrounded only by guys that hadn't had a conversation with a female since we started. Then we were supposed to act like eunuchs when we were around them again. It was torture.
When we actually had physical contact it was even worse. The worst of this happened in the line at the chow hall. We lined up double file in a space where only one and a half people could fit so we were stacked up. And as luck would have it I was almost always in front of this female named Hendrickson. She was this healthy looking blonde-haired girl that was just about being an airhead. Normally I would want nothing to do with a girl like this but since things were the way they were I was in love with her any time she was close, or any decent looking female for that matter. But when she was behind me in the chow line she would push her breasts into my elbow. And she didn't stand still. She was obviously rubbing them on me. And of course when we weren't in line she acted like a bitch which made it that much more intolerable. I wanted to cry.
Then a girl named Kole topped her. She was more my type - dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin. She was ahead of me in line and her hands were behind her back as they should have been since we were at parade rest. But she kept pointing her fingers backwards. This was a big deal because that was where my crotch was. So I was doing my best to stay away from them without shoving my ass into whoever was behind me when the drill sergeants yelled "Stack it up! Make your battle buddy smile!" Fuck. So I move forward and I'm ready for her to freak out when my junk hits her fingers but she doesn't. She played with my shit the whole time we were in line. It was beautiful. If I didn't think the drill sergeants read my mail I would have written home about it.
But I didn't write home about it. Instead one Sunday when we were sitting around swapping stories I felt cocky and decided to bring it up. I told every detail and waited for everyone to get disgusted at me. Instead I heard my friend Fernandez ask "You too?" And then Derby. And then Jackson. I was crushed. I wasn't upset enough to ever tell her to stop though.

Oseru

04-28-2012, 04:08 PM

Reminds me of Lucy the Navajo.
A dude I did tower work with was on ship with this chick. Half the boat had fucked this chick. After a couple weeks at sea, she failed to show for her post. The ended up finding her like six hours later naked, tied down, with her ass in the air. The loose navy whore was nick named Lucy the Navajo from then on.

Dr Doom

04-28-2012, 04:29 PM

Oseru

04-28-2012, 11:08 PM

I don't know about that. Some of my stories are really good but most of my the really ridiculous ones are second hand.

Jack Roller

05-14-2012, 12:46 AM

So it was Cinco de Mayo a few years ago that I first wore the mask downtown. Later that year I decided to get a mask for Dakota Days weekend. Dakota Days the homecoming week for my college. For a week people do stupid shit with different themes and then on the weekend people get shitfaced. The bars open up early in the morning and sell Bloody Marys with breakfast for our hangovers. It's one of my favorite times.

Anyways, I get this mask with my school colors on it. And Saturday Night I start pregaming at home by drinking four tall PBR's one after the other. Then when I felt about half-popped, Gunner drove me down to the bars. He's a big guy and an mma fighter but hates crowds. He wouldn't come in. That was okay though. James was downtown with this girl Andrea I liked and a couple of his friends from Lincoln I'd met. I dropped off a bottle of bourbon in his car and go in.

I go up to the bar, and the waitress and the owner know who I am right away. I ask for a pitcher of beer and they say no pitchers are being sold that weekend. So I asked for two Budweisers but they wouldn't run my card for less than ten dollars. So I ordered four budweisers. Each time I went back I ordered over ten dollars. I ordered some jagerbombs at one point. And I should have paced myself because the night was just starting but I was getting hammered - partly because a guy feels stupid as hell wearing a lucha libre mask in public unless he's hammered.

So things are going fine. Andrea's brother, Tim, has a sketchpad he uses to try to get women. I'm flirting with Andrea and draw a picture of me doing a flying elbow towards her and we're all having a good time. All except for James. There's a party in the next building over where the kids that live there have free red bull. They call their place "The Loft." And James wants to get there right away. I know all the kids there. James might know one of them. So I have no idea what his fucking problem is.

Soon after I finish my last beer we leave to calm James down and I ask James if I can get my bourbon out of his car. He has a real fucking attitude about it. But we get up to the loft and I sit down in a chair and start mixing free Red Bull with the bourbon in my mouth. My memory is fuzzy a little before and after this. I remember talking to this girl Haylee I knew. And then I got a number from some girl that was an art major after I showed her my stupid drawing. Then one of the kids from the loft, Chad, asked if he could have some bourbon. I tell him he's made a good choice since my priest, an experienced drinker, recommended it to me.

I woke up the next day at 2pm. Never in my life had I woke up this late - drunk or otherwise. My mask and shoes were off. I had my wallet. I had my phone. All good. I had no idea at all how I got home though. So I grab my phone and look at who the last person I called was. Fuck. It was Jay. Jay was this new age type that was always talking about the wrongs of enabling people and how you needed to confront people and all that other intervention bullshit. And he always seemed to be around when I fucked up. So I ask him if he knows how I got home. He says the Crisis Team called him from my phone. The Crisis Team is this group of students that volunteers to help out people that get sloppy drunk and become a danger to themselves on D Day weekend. They're a bunch of hippies that walk around in tye dye shirts looking concerned every time someone stumbles into the street. I guess they found me behind the loft in the alley puking my guts out by myself.

I ask "So was I a dick?"
"Nah, you didn't really talk."
"Cool, so I guess I'm alright."
"Actually Jack, we've talked about this. You've said you were going to quit before."
"I said I would tone it down."
"No Jack, you-"
"Dude, I need to find out what happened. We'll have to finish this later."
"Fine. I borrowed an anime movie from you. Elfenlied? This shit is weird."
"Fucker. Talk to you later."

So then I call James. He's at the steakhouse with Tim and their friend Andy. He tells me to come over.
On the way I call Chad, the kid from the loft. I ask him if he knows what I did the night before. He laughs and says he doesn't know. He just remembered that he went to get a glass so he could try my bourbon and when he made his way back the bottle was empty.
Shit. I tried to fucking kill myself.

So I call Oseru. He's not happy. We had went half on the bottle of bourbon together. He said when he got to the loft I was out of hand and everyone said I needed to leave. So he got me downstairs to the alley. Then he tried to pay for his half of the bourbon. That's when he said I threw the money at him and punched him in the gut. That explains why I was alone puking. I apologized, explained I had no recollection of it, and that besides it being completely against my nature I was also broke and needed money. But he was pretty upset. I felt like shit.

Then I got to the steakhouse. I asked what happened. James said he left me early on because I was pissing him off. Tim seemed to be around me the longest. Tim was also disappointed. He said I took the wrestling mask thing too seriously and jumped on top of a couple people sitting on a couch. He said I went up to Haylee and started dry-humping her out of nowhere. He then said she punched me in the balls so made it clear that it was okay to punch her in the ovaries then. He said I then did so while a little guy jumped on my back to stop me. He said she went to the bathroom immediately after. I was horrified.
Then he started bitching about how this art major chick was talking to us and I flipped over all his drawings to show her mine. He was more annoyed about that shit than anything. Douche.

Then he says I was dancing. I asked if I was any good. He said "Well, you were 'big man dancing.'"
But I was worried as shit about the Haylee business. She was a feisty chick and not a prude by any means but I had to know what happened. So I called who I figured the little guy was on my back - Mark. Mark was laughing when he picked up. He asked if I had a good night. I told him I had no idea. I asked what happened with Haylee. I could hear the smile in his voice as he said I came up and dry-humped her. Then he started talking about the punching. I asked him if shit was cool and he says it was play fighting. "Don't fucking worry about it dude. It was hilarious. Haylee was laughing."

What Mark was telling me was almost a completely different story. It was like fucking Rashomon. But Mark actually knows Haylee so I was relieved as shit.

Then Mark tells me I ran and jumped on two people sitting on a couch. One of them was this Puerto Rican chick named Sandra. He said after I jumped on her I rubbed my face in her boobs. He said he thought the guy next to her was going to fight me because he pushed me on the floor all pissed off. But he said I just rolled around on the floor giggling. Then I grabbed onto to this big guy's pants and started using them to climb back onto my feet. He told me to knock it off but I kept going. So I get up and he gets in my face asking what my fucking problem was - ready to fight. Oblivious, I asked him where the bathroom was. Then he said I was dancing but kept falling on my face - like straight onto my face. But he said it was all cool - that everyone thought it was hilarious except a couple people.

I get off the phone and Andy is talking about how he was minding his own business when someone asked him "Do you know who that fucking guy is?" Andy told him "Well yeah, that's El Coyote." And the dude was about to try piss-pounding Andy when a cop showed up and gave the guy a talking to.
Then I ask James why he was such a pissant. He apologizes and says he was pissed I was flirting with Andrea and just wanted to leave the bar. He said on the way to the loft he told me to shut the fuck up and I asked "Do you want to fucking go?!" And he decided to leave me alone. He said he felt like shit that he didn't stick around to help me and the Crisis Team had to take me home.

It was kind of a buzzkill but then I had a great thought. I asked Tim an important question. "Tim, when I did the wrestling shit, did I get a running start and jump sideways onto those people?"
He said "Well yeah."
Then James and I, the only wrestling fans at the table, laughed our asses off. Doing a cross body block on an unsuspecting person had been on my bucket list for a while. I couldn't remember doing it. But I was crossing it off the list anyways.

Dr Doom

05-14-2012, 04:58 PM

LMAO! @ "It was like fucking Rashomon".

"Fine. I borrowed an anime movie from you. Elfenlied? This shit is weird."
"Fucker. Talk to you later."
This shit is Goddamn Shakespeare! :rofl

Jack Roller

05-14-2012, 11:44 PM

lol Oseru made the Rashomon comment once when I was telling it and I've described it that way ever since.

Oseru

05-15-2012, 10:36 PM

I was thinking of going all Rashomon on this story for the faulty details :P

I was at the bar with you. I remember cause Tim was drawing Andrea in his book. When I later found out the were brother/sister, I thought to myself he's like Jaime Lannister minus everything that makes Jaime Lannister cool (had started reading Game of Thrones earlier that week).

I was at the party the whole time you were cause I went there with you. I had a pull of the Jeremiah Weed shortly after I got there and found out they had a pool table in the quiet part of the apartment and asked Chad if I could go play. Like 30 minutes later Big Nose Andy, used his giant nostrils and a hot waft of party air to sail on into the room I'm in and says to me "Dude you got to do something about Jack, he's out of hand". So I go to find you.

The whole way I couldn't take two steps with out getting the stink eye from any of the 100 people at that party that we knew. I went from a bright relatively quiet room into an increasingly dark and loud party feeling like I was walking past all the warning signs telling me to escape the haunted forest. But I finally found you. When i finally found you, you were bouncing around and there was a crowd of people around you trying to avoid touching you like you were some shit covered puppy. I put my hand on your shoulder which is when spun and punched me in the stomach.

Might I also add, that when you called me the next day you said you had bite marks all over your arm. Presumably this was from the crisis team but there was about an hour of time that is still lost from the time you stormed off and when Jay showed.

Jack Roller

05-15-2012, 11:33 PM

So there was ONE faulty detail - you were there the whole time. But I know I drew that shit because I had that drawing saved on my comp.

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q93/parnivalplunder/coyote.jpg

The sequence of events around me punching you or throwing the money is your fault. That's how you told it to me. You said you got me out of there and that I threw money at you and punched you in the gut. But I'll take your word for it about how it happened. I don't remember shit.

Jack Roller

05-15-2012, 11:35 PM

lmao @ Andy's big nostrils. And I forgot all about the bite marks. They were never explained.

Jack Roller

05-29-2012, 06:36 AM

I had an eight man room in basic. I had a bunk with an effeminate black dude from Chicago named Hill. Across form us were Eaton, a short asshole from West Virginia and Fernandez, a dude from Albuquerque. Eaton was a snot. He definitely loved the smell of his own shit. He was one of the National Guard assholes that knew he was going back home and thought of Basic as summer camp. And on weekends when we had free time this guy Ault, from Virginia, would come in our room to hang out because he hit it off with Eaton.
But Ault was nothing like Eaton. Ault was just there to hear stories. Unlike a lot of people there he wasn't a shit disturber. He just liked a good laugh. He wasn't just a follower though. He was just decent.
Anyways, one day the dude on my top dunk, Hill, left his locker unlocked. We got back to the room after training and things appeared to be normal until Hill tried to open his locker. He was obviously confused and after him muttering some high pitched gibberish we were all watching. Then we realized what happened. His locker was upside down. Everyone present bit their tongues so we didn't laugh when Hill opened his locker and half of his shit fell out. But like soldiers we all helped Hill put his shit back as fast as possible so he could get a good night's sleep.
And then the next day, like soldiers, we all laughed about it. Ault said we all got in the room watching Hill fumble with the latch on the locker until he realized something was wrong. And then Ault said in his southern drawl "That's when we all saw that Hill's name on the locker said "Llih." We all fucking died, especially Hill.
Then later on during the two weeks of BRM (Basic Rifle Marksmanship), Ault and I had the same problem. We weren't shooting for shit. Drill Sergeant Spicer from Baltimore had asked me where I was from. When I told him "South Dakota" he said "Pack your FUCKING BAGS!" And he had fucked with Ault too. He got up closed to him and whispered "Your parents must have treated you like gooold." Ault replied sincerely "No drill sergeant, my life's never been easy." And Spicer countered saying "Oh, so you were abused too much." He said it with no hint of sympathy in his voice like it was Ault's fault how he was raised.
Before all this the way Ault acted told me everything. He joined up for extra money - he was raised in a poor family, most likely with authoritarian (abusive) parents and this was a small vacation for him. Like me he had laughed at all the shit the drill sergeants had thrown at us that broke other people - until Basic Rifle Marksmanship.
But luckily for Ault and I, our friend Harvey told us to forget everything the drill sergeants told us about NOT treating our M-16's like our grandfather's shotguns, and told us to use our M-16's just like we used our grandfather's shotguns. We did just that and kicked ass.
After that things were a breeze. And to be honest I was still jealous of Ault going back to Fort Couch (home) while I shipped off to my permanent duty station. I couldn't believe that I had chosen active duty. Did I hate my family that much? Yes, at the time I did. But with Kosovo and Somalia popping off... The only thing that kept me going was that I might have a hand in stopping genocide. But I was never deployed.
Jesse was out of the Guard but reenlisted to take his wife's place so she could care for their children. "A few months before he was deployed, Jesse and his wife, Betsy, learned they were expecting their third child. Rachel Ault was born Jan. 17, and was greeted by her proud father, who was able to return home for the birth."

"Staff Sergeant Jesse Adam Ault Died in Baghdad, Iraq, from wounds suffered when his vehicle encountered a roadside bomb in Tunnis, Iraq, on April 9, 2008."

As much as you'll hear me curse the National Guard kids for being able to go back home, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were started when we were low on troops and the National Guard and Reserves, normally meant for stateside disasters, were sent in droves to fight our wars of imperialism. There aren't many days that go by where I don't feel the guilt for not being the one sent. It's silly I know, because one person would not stop those in power from sending people like Jesse, who had families, and a future, to fight for their interests. But days like this I wish to God I could have taken one of their places. It should be Jesse right now drinking a beer and enjoying the holiday. Instead it's a piece of shit that never got called up.
From the description given of Ault's death I'm not naive enough to hope he went peacefully. I just hope that after basic, with his family, he had the easy life he didn't have as he grew up.

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q93/parnivalplunder/tzcasjesseaultvaarng.jpg

Dr Doom

05-29-2012, 04:02 PM

Well damn. R.I.P. to the good guys.

http://img140.imageshack.us/img140/3008/salute2.gif

Jack Roller

06-02-2012, 09:10 AM

The first two weeks of basic were the same shit every day. We got up too early, went to bed exhausted, and in between we were punished by being made to run or worse. One of the favorite punishments during that time was taking us to "the pit." The pit was a hog shed filled with loose dirt and saw dust. They would smoke us in the pit doing all kinds of shit including rolling around until our sweat and the dirt in the pit made us muddy. One day the asshole lunch ladies made the drill sergeants let us shower and change into clean clothes before we were allowed into their mess hall.
Even on the weekends we weren't safe. If we weren't in formation we had to run where we were going - even to church - or we would get smoked. So it was strange when the third Sunday we were there I woke up on my own without a drill sergeant shouting. I sat up in bed in disbelief. There was sunlight coming through the windows. As I looked around everyone else was waking up and just as worried as me. Then we realized the intercoms playing in our rooms were playing KC and the Sunshine Band - Get Down Tonight.
Confused, I ventured into the hallway with my friend Fernandez from Albuquerque. In the drill sergeants' room was Drill Sergeant Rasmussen. He was shining his boots and pretended we weren't there. We snapped to attention and then to parade rest to request permission to speak when he interrupted us as if we were fucking up his morning and said "SPEAK."
We asked what was expected of us and he let us know it was white phase and we had a bit of freedom on Sundays. So we went back to our room to fuck off and he played some metal, rap, whatever - he was all over the place with the music he was playing. So I requested he played some Ministry. And he did. Ministry's NWO came on throughout the entire barracks. After that this Indian kid from New Jersey named Khan requested Triumph from Wu-Tang Clan. After not hearing real music of any kind for a couple of weeks it was amazing.
Then our next training session was with Drill Sergeant Rasmussen. One of the recruits asked him what it was like to be in the Army. He explained that his best team leader ever was busted for coke. Then he looked around to see if any other noncommissioned officers were around and whispered to us "When I get out, I'm gonna get a motorcycle, get fat, and smoke weed."
I was sure at that point that I fucked up in signing up.

Oseru

06-02-2012, 07:36 PM

Are you smoking MariJUANa? says Jack the first day off the IRR LMAO

Dr Doom

06-02-2012, 08:19 PM

lol

Jack Roller

06-03-2012, 03:42 AM

lol I thought they were gonna snatch me up at the end of my IRR time. They started sending me shit saying they wanted me to take a physical. Why? Because they lost my medical records and since they didn't have them I was on "amber status" as far as being able to be deployed. They had a stoplight on the army website and wanted me to make my status green. I was a little pissed off about my records being lost but whatever. I wasn't going to join a IRR unit just for the hell of it. They were going to have to come get me.
So I get off IRR and the next week I get a call from the old lady working the front desk at my dorm. A Sergeant So-and-so was there to talk to me. My friends Shawn and Jason were in the room. Shawn was in the Marines and Jason was in the guard. The three of us were pretty sure this meant I was going down range.
I get down to the desk and the guy asks me how much longer I'm in IRR. I say I got out last Friday and he's upset. He was a fucking recruiter. He was trying to sign me back up before I got out. He lets me know in sad voice that there were bonuses I could have received for reenlisting before the time ran out. Then he asked how things were going with my benefits as if he gave a shit. I had to do all kinds of work to get my GI Bill a year fucking late but I didn't bother telling him that. Man it felt nice to not have to worry about that shit anymore. I miss it but I hated it - not sure how to explain it.
And I forgot that getting out of the IRR was the reason I smoked up that day for the first time in years. lol

Oseru

06-03-2012, 04:30 AM

I just remember thinking 'What the fuck is wrong with you, saying shit like that'. Jayred and ho-bag's assholes puckered something fierce as they both gave you the stink once you said it. Funny shit

Jack Roller

06-03-2012, 08:25 AM

I said it like that just to see their reactions. When you call it marijuana people tend to think you've never been around it before. lol

Jack Roller

06-04-2012, 08:50 AM

After I had been in the army a couple of years I was at the end of my rope. I had been drinking for so long I didn't know what water was. And the friends I had made had been abandoning me on the weekends. I was too young to drink at clubs and bars but I knew they weren't drinking. They thought I wouldn't want to do what they were doing and they were right for the most part.
One day at the troop clinic I went outside with Jesse while he smoked and asked how his weekend was. He was a terrible liar. After he said some halfassed bullshit I told him I knew they were doing drugs. So he spilled it since he thought I already knew. They were doing acid.
My best friend Kerns was pissed that Jesse had told me but he wasn't surprised that he'd been tricked and got over it. He had just assumed that I wouldn't be interested and I would think less of them. He had always made it known that alcohol was it for me and looked down on all the other shit. But I let him now to include me the next time.
The reason my friends were now doing this kind of shit, at least the reason they had access to this shit was because Jesse was dating a stripper. She looked like Kate Hudson and despite some crazy mood swings she had, we were all jealous of Jesse. But now she had a way to make us all happy - drugs.
The first night we decided we were all doing it we got our stuff from a girl with an amazing body but a bit of a hook nose that went by Sapphire at the strip club. It was on sugar cubes that were wrapped in tin foil. We each had a cube and Kerns licked the tin foil like a little kid licking the bowl his mother made cake batter in.
Then we as we were heading home I told Jesse to pull over at Taco Bell before I got high. I was told I wouldn't want to eat afterwards. Kerns was elated hearing me say that shit. He's been waiting for months to hear me say something like that. It began to hit me while we were waiting for the food. Poet had told me he would pay for now and I would owe him later. As I started to get fucked up I assumed Poet was too and said I was never paying him back and I was buying this shit for the hell of it. There was a good back and forth going when I started giggling my ass off and he decided to stop.
Then we got my food and left. On the way home I bit into my first burrito. I was halfway through it when I realized shit was horribly wrong. I had bitten off part of my tongue - a large part of my tongue, and I was chewing it with the rest of my burrito. I was worried the rest of the car wouldn't believe how badly I needed to go to the emergency room since I fucked with them too much. Then I finally said it out loud. "Guys, I just bit off half of my tongue. It's gone." Then as they laughed their asses off I thought about it. After that I thought about things - I was enunciating perfectly. My tongue had to be intact. So I breathed a sigh of relief. But I stopped eating shit.
When we got back to Jesse's house I went to get the shirt I had left there while I wore just my undershirt. My shirt was covered in cat hair. And the cat hair was moving all over the place. Normally it would have made me nauseous seeing that shit. But I knew it was just a hallucination. I left the shirt there anyways.
We sat down for a while watching television and everything was cracking us up. We couldn't stop laughing. But for some reason Poet was sure we needed more Cid.
So we went to House of Dolls. There was a cover charge so we didn't all go in. I stayed behind with Kerns, and Jesse and Poet went insided. Shortly afterwards a couple of kids from our unit made their way to Jesse's car. We let them in the back and sat in the front. It was Mccallum from our battery and a kid from one of the gun lines. They were coming down from speed. They didn't say much. They went right to sleep in the back seat.
Kerns and I had decided before that point that the Spawn soundtrack was made just for people tripping on acid. We kept listening to the same track, the Orbital song featuring Kirk Hammett. But I kept playing just the first two seconds - "SATAN! SATAN! SATAN! SATAN!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofamFBk92Pk
And Kerns and I were laughing our asses off. Then after a while Kerns said he was cold. I only then realized that I was also freezing and turned the ignition so we could get the heater on. That's when both of the speed zombies in the back seat jumped towards us screaming "HE'S NOT DRIVING!!!"
Kerns and I laughed some more.
Then Jesse and Poet finally made their way out of the strip club. We were to go to Walmart. And we did. We all split up. I went to the front to play video games. So I was the first to see Sapphire. I was engrossed in a driving game and she scared the shit out of me. I wasn't the only one she had fun with though. We found Poet and Kerns together looking at large rugs. They were on display so they could be flipped to see other rugs and Kerns and Poet were flipping them one at a time and looking at the designs on them with their mouths wide open like they were watching television.
Sapphire screamed "No sugar cubes here! They're in aisle 12!" Kerns and Poet were obviously horrified that she was putting all of our business out in public but they got over it and followed. Sapphire was having fun with the fact that she knew nobody knew what we were doing but we thought everyone did.
Eventually we made our way home and ate the rest of the cubes. And we laughed our heads off the rest of the night. We laughed at anything. Everything was absurd. Soon the sun was coming up. And we had to head back to base because Jesse had an appointment with his drug councilor. He had pissed hot for cocaine and was on his way out of the military. And as usual Jesse was driving way faster than he had to. Only this time he was tripping on acid. After a tight turn we saw a construction crew. But we saw it too late. Two men were in front of Jesse's way and there was no way he was stopping in time. One man jumped to the other side of the road. The other did a triple take, weighing his options - obviously scared shitless - and then jumped at the last second. He just barely avoided taking Jesse's bumper in the knees and fucking up his windshield.
We died laughing. We couldn't stop. Jesse kept screaming at us to shut the fuck up and it only made things worse. Our sides were killing us. But we made it. And Jesse went on to his appointment.
At the barracks we were coming down but still giggling endlessly. Poet suggested we get more cubes. I said "No. We might hurt ourselves." And everyone laughed harder than ever.
After what seemed like forever but went like nothing, Jesse came into the room smiling. He explained that he was in the waiting room with all the shady characters there and "Fermengully" was on the tv. Kerns screamed "FERMENGULLY? It's FernGully you asshole!" and we laughed some more, all holding our sides and backs in pain.
Then Jesse said he had to cut the shit and asked "What is everyone here for?"
A kid answered him with some hand gestures and theatrics saying "I'm here for smoking the sweet cheeba."
Jesse replied "Shit, I'm here for coke!" and laughed hysterically.
Then his name was called and his councilor started asking the usual questions. "Have you drank since we last met?"
Jesse tried his hardest not to laugh while he said "No."
She sensed something was up and asked again, almost accusing him, "I asked if you have been drinking."
Jesse was almost in tears and whimpered "Noooo."
We were dying hearing this shit. But we were finally coming down. I went to my room and slept for hours.

Jack Roller

06-08-2012, 11:07 PM

I woke up this morning on a couch. I didn't have pants on, or underwear. The tv was blaring and I recognized the cartoon that was on - Adventure Time. I didn't recognize the little kid that was watching the tv on the couch next to me. When he saw I was awake he told me I pissed my pants and he said as if there was nothing weird about that. So I kept the blanket on and went out side to ask what happened.
My friend Jason was more than a little upset with me. I punked a guy out of a thirty pack of beer at 3am. I don't know exactly why. And the girl I made out with last night - her husband will be arriving today. Still fuzzy on a lot of details.

Fuck.

Dr Doom

06-08-2012, 11:09 PM

Good luck then, lol.

Oseru

06-09-2012, 07:21 PM

No offense fella, but kind of glad I bailed after Kefka got into it with you

Jack Roller

06-17-2012, 02:28 PM

I woke up last Friday morning on a couch. I didn't have pants on, or underwear. The tv was blaring and I recognized the cartoon that was on - Adventure Time. I didn't recognize the little kid that was watching the tv on the couch next to me. When he saw I was awake he told me I pissed my pants and he said it as if there was nothing weird about that. So I kept the blanket on and went out side to ask what happened.
I didn't remember much about the end of the night myself but I remembered how things started. The night before Joe and I had went downtown as his sister was bar hopping with a bachelorette party. We met up with them and went to a couple bars when Oseru showed up and we really started getting fucked up. I can't remember what the shot special was at the pub but we got pickled. And then when it was getting close to closing time the girls wanted to dance. Joe was talking to a couple of athletes and in his sister and me thought he was starting shit. I didn't feel like talking to the guys so I just grabbed Joe and we went outside. Joe was pissed though and said he was going home, cussing at me. And I fucked up. I should have handled it differently. So Joe is screaming and Oseru is trying to get him to go for a walk but I was sure Joe would go home if that happened. In the middle of this, Joe's sister, who I kind of have a thing for, comes out and asks why we're always fighting and Joe yells "Jack wants your pussy!"
So I'm not sure how the dust settled but I'm sure I asked Joe to punch me in the face to square things because that's something I do when people are upset. So we got over shit and went in the bar. And I really have no idea what I was saying to all the girls but I know I was drunk enough to dance and that's pretty drunk for me. And I remember this girl Renee saying to me "You're going home with me tonight." But I no-sold it because I didn't want to screw things up for Joe's sister, Tara (there was never a chance in hell anything was happening with Tara but I'm a dreamer). Anyways, I don't remember getting on the drunk shuttle but I remember it dropping me off at Tara's hotel with Renee and some dude with a 30 pack of beer that I've never seen before. And I don't know if it was Renee or Tara that said it, but they wanted the dude gone. So I'm in the lobby telling him he has to leave. And he's not looking me in the eye, kind of motioning that he needs to get in the room and I tell him "You need to fucking go. Don't make shit bad." Every time he half opened his mouth I cut him off and told him to beat it, moving closer to him. And he left. Then I realized what he was trying to say. He left his beer in the room. I kiiind of feel like an asshole about that.
So then Tara wanted to get her car from downtown. We started walking and I wasn't doing that shit. I called my friend Jason and told him to pick us up. Then I laid down in the grass to wait for him - which I'm pretty sure I remember pissed the girls off but I couldn't be bothered at that point.
Then I remember Jason picking us up. I don't remember him dropping Tara off. And I'm not sure if Renee started making out with me before or after we dropped her off. And I don't remember why I didn't end up with Renee that night.
Jason said at one point he stopped and said "You two need to figure out what you need to do." And for some reason I wanted to go home? The thing about Jason is I'm pretty sure he was drunk as well so who fucking knows.
So I don't remember dropping her off but I remember sitting in the McDonalds drive thru and realizing I didn't have a cent on me and raging out a bit. Jason said he offered to buy me food and I screamed at him "Do you even fucking know me anymore?!" But that's from Jason so yeah.
And then the next morning this girl dropped her kid off at the house we were at and he woke up Jason to tell him there was water all over the kitchen floor. We're pretty sure it was my piss and my soaked pants and drawers were on the living room floor.
That was the first night of my vacation.

Oseru

06-19-2012, 01:47 AM

Which one was Renee? Was she the one with bags under her eyes, wearing the zebra pattern hefty bag, and told me I looked like 'I'd been ridden hard and put away wet'?

Jack Roller

06-19-2012, 02:01 AM

Which one was Renee? Was she the one with bags under her eyes, wearing the zebra pattern hefty bag, and told me I looked like 'I'd been ridden hard and put away wet'?

Hefty bag? I'm guessing not. She was actually looking pretty good.

Swaying Blue Corn

06-19-2012, 07:46 AM

I support every Bukowski-esque story in this thread. #salute,

Jack Roller

06-19-2012, 11:06 AM

I support every Bukowski-esque story in this thread. #salute, I read my first book of his this last winter and thought "Shit, I've been biting this guy without knowing it." After I read the first one I read three more like nothing. Looking for more of that stuff now. I read a couple from John Fante and one from Tobias Wolfe most recently. Now I'm reading The Ginger Man. Any recommendations?

And I took that as a huge compliment btw.

Swaying Blue Corn

06-19-2012, 12:03 PM

Jack Roller

06-19-2012, 01:28 PM

It definitely was meant to be one.

I've only read Women, Factotum, and some of his poetry. I would say those if you haven't already, and of course, On The Road, if you haven't already.

What were the names of the books by the other authors you read? Are they in the same vain? Ask the Dust by John Fante is like Factotum. He's a little more clean than Bukowski - his Catholic guilt gets to him now and then so I identified with him a lot. I will have to check out On The Road. I read Ham on Rye, Post Office, Factotum, and Women so far from Bukowski. Beyond Fante I haven't found anything quite like him yet but I'm looking. The Ginger Man is about a character that might be dirtier than Bukowski. Liking it so far.

Jack Roller

06-19-2012, 01:49 PM

Also I read Wait Until Spring, Bandini by Fante which is a bit like Bukowski's Ham on Rye. Fante's Bandini is Bukowski's Chinaski. I should note thought that it's the other way around - Fante was Bukowski's favorite writer when he was going through the library when he was broke. He writes an intro in one of his books.

The one by Tobias Wolfe was The Barracks Thief. I think I liked it most because it was set on the post I was stationed at though. It was good and was the same kind of dirty realism but it's short and just not the same.

Swaying Blue Corn

06-20-2012, 07:23 AM

Word, I didn't know that about Fante and Bukowski. You should check out the documentary Born Into This. I watched it after I read Women, then DOOM dropped that album. Serendipity, lol,

Swaying Blue Corn

06-20-2012, 07:56 AM

On The Road isn't as dirty as Bukowski, and a lot of it is introspective and analyzing a lot of the characters in the book, but that's the part that I think makes it as interesting. The colorful cast, and there's a part towards the end where Kerouac gets his Bukowski on. Highly recommended,

Jack Roller

06-20-2012, 12:37 PM

Getting some stuff on Amazon today. I'll order it. And yeah, Fante isn't as dirty either. He's just as honest though. And it seems he was a nicer guy which doesn't make him less interesting, just different I guess.

Jack Roller

06-20-2012, 01:48 PM

So the morning after I screwed that girl at the costume party in Lincoln, my friend James took me to Popeyes. As I'm eating, still in my Charlie Brown costume, he opens up facebook on his phone and goes to the girl's account. He shows me a picture of a little girl and asks in high-pitched voice "Are you my daaaddy?" That's when I remember she was married. She had told me it was an open marriage so it was fine. She had talked to her husband on the phone about how she and another girl there were horny and he had offered his services. She made a big production out of telling her husband she was going to be “just fiiine” and patted my dick. This is all shit that would have ended things before they began for me any other night but I was fucking loaded with rum.
Anyways, that shit got to me. I had never messed with a married woman before - open marriage or not. And I thought about it on the long drive home quite a bit. And it wasn't long after getting home that I couldn't stop pissing. I started to fear the worst. And it didn't matter how much I drank - and I drank a lot of fluids - I could not piss more than a couple seconds at a time and barely anything would come out. Then as soon as I was done I had to go again. It felt like I had stopped mid-stream and was holding it all day.
I was on night shift at the time and got no sleep during the day. It was impossible. I even put wads of toilet paper in my underwear to make sure I didn't piss the bed but the sensation just wouldn't let me sleep. That night it didn't get any better. I called in sick to work. The pissing was constant. I didn't even want to go to the bathroom anymore. It was every other minute. I might as well piss on the fucking floor for all that was coming out. Just a few drops at a time, what was that going to do the floor anyways? I tried drinking more fluids, no fluids, after a couple of days it was time to do something. But it was night time and I would have to go to the ER.
I went to the ER. Fuck it. I have health insurance. I get to the hospital and I see this chubby bitch I used to know in high school. She could have been nice back then but she had to have an attitude to go along with the extra weight I guess. She was nicer now that I'd told her I was coming in for "frequent urination." I told her my symptom like I was asking a question. She giggled and said it was no big deal and pointed me towards where I needed to go.
I live in a small town so the ER was dead and I saw a nurse right away. This cute, almost middle aged blonde asked how frequently I had to void my bladder, what other symptoms I had, and if I had intercourse recently. I told her I felt a dull pain in my kidneys which wasn't entirely untrue but it was really just half imagined. I think I wanted it to just be a simple urinary tract infection and be done with the shit - especially with the cute girls I was seeing in ER. Again, I live in a small town and the way rumors go around isn't cool.
Then the doctor came in, an Asian-American guy with glasses that was dressed like he could give a fuck. He talked that way too. He asked the same questions. Then he asked why I didn't wait to go to the clinic the next day, saying I was wasting about five hundred dollars coming into the ER. I explained that I hadn't slept in over a day because of the constant leaking. He then asked if I had a girl in my life.
"Yeah I met somebody recently."
"So you two were intimate?"
"Yes."
"And now?"
"Not."
"So you're worried now about that?"
"I'm worried about having to piss every minute or so."
"Ok, but what is it then that's keeping you up at night Jack? Why did you need to come to an ER instead of the clinic tomorrow? Why can't you sleep?"
"I feel like I'm going to piss the bed!"
"Alright, well we should have the test run for infection any time now. But if it's... chlamydia or gonorrhea... you'll need to go to the clinic tomorrow anyways and have lab work done."
What a fucking prick. But he was right. I was sure this bitch had burned me. And what the fuck? What kind of whore was she? She was supposed to be married! Thirty-one years old and I'm burning for the first time. I wanted this shit out of my dick as soon as possible. But I was going to have to wait it out. I swear the fucker was smiling when he came back and told me there were no signs of an infection and gave me my record to take to the clinic the next day.
Luckily they were able to fit me in at the clinic in the early afternoon. As usual, I had to wait on the doctor an extra half hour or so but I brought a book with me to read. I was a quarter of the way through Slaughterhouse Five when I was finally called back by a nurse. She showed me to my exam room and took my measurements and left me to wait longer. I continued reading. Billy Pilgrim was in a horrible situation. I knew what it was like marching in those shitty boots the army gives people. And Billy has it far worse than I did - separated from his unit, captured, and being forced to march on bloody feet. But I'll bet the asshole could still take a good, long, healthy piss. When was this fucking doctor going to show up?
About that time he did show up. I didn't have too much left to read. He was much nicer than the ER doc. He scared me more though. He said it might be a symptom of diabetes. So now I was really pissed. I had been on a health kick for three months straight - working out nearly every day, no soda. I had only started drinking pop again in Lincoln. I mentioned to the doctor that the physician in the emergency room thought it may be an STD. He didn't seem to think so after checking me out. During a small silence I asked him "Am I an idiot for hoping now that this is gonorrhea and I can just get it taken care of?" He seemed to want to laugh but he stopped himself.
Then he sent me to the lab for the big tests. Once there the lab tech informed me that for the std tests I was going to have to refrain from urinating for two hours before the test. I asked in a whimper "You know I have to piss every two minutes, right?" He didn't have a problem laughing. And so I finished Slaughterhouse Five with plenty of time to spare. I wondered if some poor asshole in Dresden with an irritated pecker had welcomed the bombs so he could finally get some rest.
I was finally able to give the sample. It was the most I had pissed in days, half of a tiny cup. The results were back quickly at least. I did not have chlamydia or gonorrhea. I was clean. The doctor said sometimes these things happen. We just can't nail things down. He then asked if I drank a lot of soda or dairy.
Soda. Fuck. I hadn't had any for three months and now I was drinking it just as much as ever to stay awake for night shift. I had pounded it so I could try to piss more. And I was only making it worse. This whole fucking time I thought I had the some version of the clap, the vengeance of the angry Catholic God, or some of this girl's shit got in my dickhole, and here it was Diet fucking Mountain Dew that was driving me insane.
After a day of nothing but water I was fine.

Dr Doom

06-20-2012, 04:01 PM

Thank Hickman there was an happy end to this one, lol.

Jack Roller

06-25-2012, 12:31 PM

Holy shit. I log onto facebook just now and this is the status I see at the top. Above a post of a friend's picture with his kid, one of my best friends has this shit posted for the Christian world to see.
:rofl

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q93/parnivalplunder/bwahahahahaha.jpg

I was laughing my ass off about it but had to tell him. I shot him a text asking what the fuck was up with his status update.

"The Commonwealth Club one?"

"No, Old Goes Young Naomi!"

My phone rang RIGHT AWAY. He wasn't at home and wanted that shit off his facebook immediately. I was laughing too hard to get the password right the first couple of times. "I'm glad you had a good laugh asshole. Change it!" Of course I had to hit print screen first. This is my day off. He's lucky I got up for no reason.

Dr Doom

06-25-2012, 03:53 PM

:dead:

Oseru

06-25-2012, 04:18 PM

lmao

Jack Roller

07-12-2012, 08:33 AM

My friend Gunner started dating a girl named Jenn we worked with at the call center. She was 36 but acted like she was 19 which was good and bad I guess. He had started things by letting her know he didn't want a relationship. After a couple of situations where she acted like she was about to boil his pet rabbit he had tried to break up with her, but he made the mistake of doing it in person and got blowjobs instead. I liked her.
Anyways, she liked to go downtown in Yankton and when she had a few drinks in her she wanted to see boobs. So we'd end up at The Cockatoo. The Cockatoo wasn't the worst type of titty bar but it wasn't the best either. So it's just right for me - not a complete whorehouse but not too legitimate either. And the girls are usually above fuckable.
As soon as we got our drinks there Jenn wanted to hit up sniffer's row and throw some dollars down. She was already drunk. I was only about halfway there and although this isn't my first time in a place like this I'm still a little sober and feel like half a pervert. So when the curvy thirty-something takes my dollar and tells me to yell "I love tits!" I don't really muster a full shout and she gives me all kinds of shit for being a prude. Then we started taking shots.
The cocktail waitress was by far the most attractive girl in there and she knew Jenn - one of the reasons I liked hanging out with Jenn. The more I drank the more shit I gave my friends. Gunner and Jenn teamed up on me while she was gone. Then the waitress came back, sat in my lap, and asked what we all wanted. I said I'd have a Budweiser and the other two could get a glass of fuck off.
The waitress asked "How about I get you a glass of 'Fuck you?'"
"Fuck meee?"
"Fuck off!" and she hopped off my lap.
This was just the right amount of intoxication for me but I screwed that up and took more shots. I walked by sniffer's row and screamed "I LOVE TITS!!!" at the top of my lungs and the blonde laughed while in the middle of a dollar dance. Then I pissed in the bathroom sink for no good reason. I was thoroughly plowed when I got my couch dance from the blonde. Some strippers do nothing but shake their shit in front of you in the back room but this girl actually did good work. When I got back to our table, Jenn made mention of how the stripper went straight to the bathroom after my dance. She figured she got wet and needed to dry it off. One can't be sure that's what happened but it was a nice thought.
Sometime after this I became completely shitfaced. I vaguely remember Gunner giggling as he got me from a table I sat alone at by the back room. I don't remember any of the ride home. I think I remember being dropped off but I'm not sure I'm not imagining it. My first clear memory after this is looking around the lawn outside of my duplex for my keys, and then falling flat on my face and thinking fuck it.

I woke up on the ground with a horrible pain in my right side. It couldn't have been much more than forty degrees outside. I remember thinking I was lucky to wake up. I might not have survived the night and died like a bum just feet from my doorstep. It took a few tries but I got to my feet and after some more looking I gave up on finding my keys. I called my ex and told her I was outside, locked out in the cold, and some asshole must have kicked me in the side after I passed out. She was very worried and I can only guess she was relieved when I found out our sliding door had been left unlocked because I had no more need of her and ended the call.
The next day I went to work I told the story and showed the bruise on my side to Gunner and Jenn. It was bigger than a softball. I told them I thought it sounded crazy too but some asshole college kid must have kicked me while I was out. They were used to this type of shit by then and laughed it off. Then Gunner drove me home after my shift and asked "Has your fence always leaned like that?" I looked over to see that our wooden fence was leaning quite a bit, as if someone's car ran into it. Then he asked if the fence post at the end was about the size of my bruise. I said it was. And then he laughed like the asshole he is and didn't stop laughing as I got out and he pulled away.

Jack Roller

07-25-2012, 04:36 PM

During basic training we got no newspapers. We had no television. And the first few weeks there we got no phone calls to our families. Now none of youngsters really gave a shit about the news before we got there but once you're deprived of knowlege of the outside world you definitely notice.
The one source we did have for news was letters. Fucking letters, it was like living in a different century. My favorite baseball player had always been Mark McGwire and I was in basic training during his home run race with Sammy Sosa so I looked forward to mail every day. But sports were about the only updates we cared about. As far as other current events went we were in the dark.
So it was quite a shock one day when we all sat in a museum before a class on the history of army customs when the drill sergeant that looked like Dempsey let us know that Bill Clinton admitted to having that chubby brunette suck his wang. It may seem naive now of us but everyone gasped. But before we could digest that thought, Dempsey went on to say that Saddam Hussein, most likely seeing this as a moment of weakness, was preparing for war to retake what he thought was Iraq's. We were told that due to the limited numbers the army had some of us would be sent to Iraq as soon as we completed basic training. Then he welcomed a spectacled, overweight guy in a suit on to the stage to teach us about trivial shit like how the salute came about. He was very into the presentation but I'm sure I wasn't the only person in the room that didn't give a shit. My wandered from positive to negative thoughts. I had signed up as a medical specialist and now I'd be sent over to do generic shit like driving trucks and sitting in guard towers. I had signed up with my occupation guaranteed and here I was getting it shit on. On the other hand I didn't sign up to stay in the US the whole fucking time and if I had to go right out of basic that mean the national guard assholes had to go too.
When he was finished Dempsey jumped back on stage. He explained that President Clinton had indeed confessed to having sexual relations with Lewinsky. But we were not in any immediate threat of war. He explained that we were made to believe that for a time so it would become real to us that we could go to war at any time after basic training. I wasn't so sure why people training to be soldiers had to learn this lesson but after getting back to the barracks and hearing everyone freak out about it I realized there were some dumb fucks that never expected to go anywhere. So our lesson that day was to expect to go anywhere at any time. But there was a more important lesson there. This was the first of many times that people in charge knew more than us and told us only what they thought we needed to know. Soldiers put it very simply - that the higher ups treat us like mushrooms - keep us in the dark and feed us full of shit.

Jack Roller

07-25-2012, 06:29 PM

It wasn't just the superiors that fucked with people's heads. Everything was fucking rumors. And it was always "I know because my brother was in and..." or "I had a friend that said..." And some of the shit that people repeated. I think about 99 percent of the trainees in basic training honestly believed that if you got caught jacking off that they made you wear your hat backwards as punishment. Why this was made up I don't know. Some people must really not want to be around other people that are jacking off - not that this isn't normal but the means they went to... So out of fear of having to wear hats backwards, this big hairy Italian guy, Zingarelli, said that when his buddy was in basic that when the drill sergeants left for the night one guy would yell "GREASE!" and everyone would jack off at the same time so nobody got caught and nobody snitched. And nobody questioned him about it. Nobody said "What the fuck are you talking about Zingarelli you sick fuck?" Nobody laughed. Nothing. This was normal talk. Everyone just ate it up.
So when the drill sergeants started telling some of us that were in to be medical specialists that we were going to end up in the infantry in Somalia and our fellow trainees told us "Nah dog, you're gonna be wearing hospital whites and working in a clinic." - we really didn't know what to believe. Personally I chose to believe I'd be wearing hospital whites. Why the fuck not?
Then after basic all the medical specialists took a bus down to Fort Sam Houston for our advanced individual training (AIT). It was a high school atmosphere all the way down and we were sure things were going to get better and not worse. And when we got off the bus we found out we were right. The first time one of us snapped to attention and requested permission to speak one of the drill sergeants said to relax and that asking to speak wasn't necessary. There was no cursing, no yelling. People were screwing up and there was no physical punishment. I was going to love it here. And then Drill Sergeant Denwalt, always squinting and speaking in spaced sentences with a monotone voice, told us "Welcome to Fort Sam Houston... Home of the combat medic." Fuck.
I had remembered then telling my friend's dad at home that I was joining the army to be a medical specialist. He said "Oh yeah, you're gonna be a platoon medic, huh?" I was polite and agreed with him but thought he had it wrong. But nah, it was very possible that was where I was headed.
So when I got to Fort Bragg I was hopeful I would be wearing hospital whites, if medics in the hospital even fucking wore those, but since this was home of the fucking airborne I wasn't optimistic. I can't remember how many days I spent at the replacement barracks before I got to my unit - just that they were shitty. They were from around the Korean War era and needed to be burned down. Before we were released to the barracks each night we told not to wipe our asses with the funny pages because the old pipes couldn't handle it. And we were told that for two reasons. One, dumb fucks wiped their asses with the funny pages regularly. And two, thieves are everywhere in the army and a roll of toilet paper never lasts long in the open, but the funny pages get left behind I guess. So I spent New Year's Eve there alone in my room, guarding my shit paper and listening to a DJ Clue - The Professional.
Then the next day my friend Gustavo showed up along with a couple of females from our AIT. And it was also the day that we got our orders. So instead of waiting for days to find out where he was going to be sent, Gustavo got his orders to the medical unit with the females. I got fucking artillery.

Dr Doom

07-25-2012, 06:38 PM

lol @ the 'need to know' info in the military being where you might get sent to next and the president getting his dick sucked.

Jack Roller

07-25-2012, 06:41 PM

So now I'm wondering if Zingarelli really heard that rumor about group masturbation or just wanted to see it. Like is that guy working in an Applebee's kitchen somewhere yelling "GREASE!" every time the manager goes out the door?

Seriously though, he was cool people. When they took us to the gas chamber they wanted us to sound off and represent our platoons while we were getting gassed. The shit was impossible though. You would yell and then your lungs filled up with gas and it was like you just couldn't take a breath - like your lungs were already full. And your eyes burned like a mother. So you ended up walking out silent, teary eyed, with snot running out of your nose. Some people threw up.
But Zingarelli came out doing devil horns with his hands and screaming like Ric Flair on a rollercoaster. The company commander was there and was insulted for some reason and said in his nerdy Herb voice "Glad you liked it Zingarelli! Go back through!"
So he did, and a couple minutes later he came out rocking horns and screaming louder than the first time - "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" I was bent over with my arms out trying to shake that shit off of me but I couldn't help laughing my ass off at that dillhole commander's expression.

Oseru

07-25-2012, 10:31 PM

^lmao^

Swaying Blue Corn

07-26-2012, 04:43 PM

Is there a good movie about bootcamp? Cause there needs to be,

Jack Roller

07-26-2012, 05:09 PM

Is there a good movie about bootcamp? Cause there needs to be, Full Metal Jacket is pretty much it. I know it's a Vietnam antiwar movie but it's the best when it comes to boot camp. I've heard at least one other movie avoided focusing on boot camp too much because they didn't want to compete with it.

I started reading On the Road btw. Been killing a lot of time for me.

Dr Doom

07-26-2012, 05:20 PM

Don't worry, once I start writing the Luchador epic I'll make sure to have one of the acts focus entirely on the boot camp, and that part shall be called Full Metal Jack.

Jack Roller

07-26-2012, 05:23 PM

lol

Jack Roller

08-04-2012, 05:37 PM

The first week of red phase in basic training we got a few breaks here and there at places like the classroom but they weren't breaks so much as times we were straining to stay awake. One of the places we fought sleep in was our platoon training room. The room wasn't very big. Our platoon had to sit cross-legged to fit in it and it was a tight squeeze. But that didn't stop the drill sergeants from making us exercise in it if someone fell asleep, failed to pay attention, or whatever reason they pulled out of the air. So we ran into each other and stepped on each other - no apologies - we didn't dare speak. And we'd be made to exercise until the walls would sweat.
The time I remember most in that room though was when Drill Sergeant Rasmussen called us in there to read out of a policy and procedure manual. He sat down cross-legged in front of us and explained that many of us were probably under the impression that drill sergeants could no longer able to curse at trainees or yell. He sarcastically used a voice reserved for good news to say we were right. Then he began reading.
"At no time will drill sergeants use profanity in the presence of trainees."
"Fuck that."
"At no time will drill sergeants use profanity when addressing trainees."
He looked up from the book, "Fuck you."
"At no time will drill sergeants use non-verbal profanity when addressing trainees."
He slowly and deliberately flipped us all off, "Fuck you."
"At no time will drill sergeants use profanity to refer to trainees."
"Fuck you, motherfuckers."
Then he closed the book like he just finished story time and asked "Does anyone have any questions about our new policies regarding drill sergeant interaction with trainees?"
Nobody said a word. Nobody looked around to see if anyone was going to say a word. It was silent. Then he moved on to the next lesson.

Dr Doom

08-08-2012, 06:22 AM

I know why you don't have any tattoos, but seriously, why don't you have this tattoo?

http://cdn.bleedingcool.net/wp-content/uploads//2011/04/tattoo.jpg?848685

Jack Roller

08-08-2012, 08:11 AM

I know why you don't have any tattoos, but seriously, why don't you have this tattoo?

http://cdn.bleedingcool.net/wp-content/uploads//2011/04/tattoo.jpg?848685 Holy shit. That is some love right there. lol

Swaying Blue Corn

08-11-2012, 02:45 PM

Yo Jack, srs question: do you feel the military made you a better person?

Jack Roller

08-13-2012, 12:44 AM

Yo Jack, srs question: do you feel the military made you a better person? I dunno. I am able to patiently wait through bullshit better and I tend to get to the point of things instead of beating around the bush. And I guess when everyone at work is doing stupid shit that we really don't need to be doing I'll ask the boss wtf is going on and if we can do something else - a lot of the time they agree and just hadn't thought of something. Just little shit like that I guess. But I also think with the cutting corners deal I have become very lazy. I am very good at getting shit done while using the least amount of energy possible so I can fuck off. If you mean as far as values go I don't think I changed too much? Integrity was always a big thing for me. It isn't for a lot of people that are in. There are a lot of thieves. They say there's only one thief in the army and everyone else is just trying to get their shit back. They probably say that in every branch though. I'm kind of just typing as I think so this probably isn't making sense. I'll have to think about it. I think I've always been a screwup. Not sure if it made me better or worse in that respect.

Jack Roller

08-13-2012, 02:33 PM

On Saturday I started drinking beer rather early. I found out that if you roll 5 of a kind at this shitty gas station bar that you win 150 dollars. Jason took me there (he has a drinking problem and knows these things). The girl working there was surprisingly hot and was wearing tights so we decided we needed to pick up Joe so he could take a few shots at rolling the dice. Then we went to two other places that do the same thing. So I had a pretty good buzz going when we got our first case of beer.
We ended up sharing it with some girls Jason knows. But Jason started being a bad drunk and wanted to go back to the house. I ended up cooking a feast to try to keep him focused and somehow, despite Joe punching Jason in the balls, and taking forever to convince the girls to come to the house, we ended up with a 30 pack of Keystone and we decided to booze cruise to Nebraska to see one of our friends play in a band in a dive bar in a small town. I was drunk enough to dance when we got there so you can be sure I was plowed and for some stupid ass reason I took a shot of tequila. I immediately regretted it. I knew I was going to puke if there wasn't some sort of miracle. I began the usual breathing exercises and tried to remain calm. But it wouldn't stay down. I hurried outside and luckily there was nobody out front because the puke started spraying out onto the sidewalk in front of the bar - mostly liquid the first heave. Then I walked in between a couple of SUV's and shit really started spewing out - stuffed mushrooms, half pound burgers, everything was being projectile vomited in several heaves. I felt better soon after. And as I took a couple of breaths and half admired the pile of shit I just puked in between these cars I noticed an old, wrinkled, white haired lady in the driver seat of the SUV to the left of me. She had her seat reclined and she was looking straight forward, trembling, trying not to move like a rabbit that has decided to rely on its camoflage in the hope that you don't notice it instead of running away from you. She was absolutely horrified.
What can you do in that situation? I giggled my ass off all the way into the bar, put in a stick of gum, grabbed a beer, and started dancing.

Swaying Blue Corn

08-14-2012, 05:02 AM

I dunno. I am able to patiently wait through bullshit better and I tend to get to the point of things instead of beating around the bush. And I guess when everyone at work is doing stupid shit that we really don't need to be doing I'll ask the boss wtf is going on and if we can do something else - a lot of the time they agree and just hadn't thought of something. Just little shit like that I guess. But I also think with the cutting corners deal I have become very lazy. I am very good at getting shit done while using the least amount of energy possible so I can fuck off. If you mean as far as values go I don't think I changed too much? Integrity was always a big thing for me. It isn't for a lot of people that are in. There are a lot of thieves. They say there's only one thief in the army and everyone else is just trying to get their shit back. They probably say that in every branch though. I'm kind of just typing as I think so this probably isn't making sense. I'll have to think about it. I think I've always been a screwup. Not sure if it made me better or worse in that respect.

I was just wondering. Ever since uni I've been rethinking my position on the military. In other countries it seems like a more prestigious/respectable thing. Not to take away anything our guys. I kinda wish service was compulsory for a couple years like it is in other countries, but the way our military is set-up right now I don't think it would work like it does in say SK or Israel. I think I would volunteer if it was only for a couple years, and just pray we don't start shit with Iran or whoever during that time, lol.

Jack Roller

08-14-2012, 11:05 AM

Sometimes I wished everyone had to go. But then I thought the army would be full of people that just sat around doing nothing, hating life - but then I thought that's what the army is like.
On one hand though, I would take my warmonger friends a lot more seriously if they were in at one point. I had a friend with a "bad back" that played counterstrike nonstop and before the Iraq War we argued constantly. At one point he told me I had a pussy attitude and walked out the door. I told him it was better than actually BEING A PUSSY. I think we only had one guy in congress that had a son in the war (from my state). I could be wrong. Maybe it was just one in the house or senate or whatever but the point is that shit is ridiculous. They're the people that are always wanting people to support our soldiers but they don't do it when it counts - when it comes to equipment, or picking a just cause, or when soldiers become veterans - where the fuck are they then? They're on their "no welfare" kick.
One thing that did change about me I guess is that I get very angry when people talk about war casually around me. That "they signed on the dotted line" bullshit doesn't do it for me. We don't let kids drink until they're 18 but allow them to sign their lives away? It's bullshit. If they at least had a family member in they may give things some thought as to whether or not we have cause to intervene elsewhere. They might actually try to figure out if their is a link between Bin Laden and Saddam rather than just swallow whatever they're fed. They might not say things "60 dead last month? This is nothing compared to other wars." They might. But who fucking knows I guess. I definitely changed the way I feel about it.

Jack Roller

08-27-2012, 10:09 PM

A month ago my brother was giving me shit for how I dress and I told him to stop dressing like Action Bronson. He wears those shorts that aren't quite pants and wears them with whatever - long sleeve shirts, shit like that. The big thing though is he's a huge guy with a red beard. And he wears flat brim baseball caps and shades a lot. So I showed him the video for Shiraz and he's annoyed as shit but denying any resemblance.
Now he's back at college. He has this bullshit job where he checks to see if kids on academic probation did their homework. He just posted this to me today.

"So.... Yesterday I was helping freshmen move into the dorms, when I over heard a conversation between two freshmen:

Frosh 1: "Where the hell is the Bookstore"
Frosh 2: "I don't know, lets ask Action Bronson over there"

Motherfuckers..... I was a little pissed so I sent them in the complete opposite direction through heavy construction zones."

I'll let you guess who the asshole in denial is in this picture.

http://i134.photobucket.com/albums/q93/parnivalplunder/bronson.jpg

Dr Doom

08-28-2012, 07:18 AM

Fucking dead @ "Let's ask Action Bronson over there."

And your brother does look like Action Bronson, lmao.

Jack Roller

05-10-2013, 12:35 PM

Last Friday night I went the bars in my college town with my friend Jersey Joe. The night started off pretty uneventful. Joe kept pestering me to drink more. It wasn't that I wasn't drinking, he just didn't like the pace. It seemed like we argued about how many drinks we each had for hours. Then a girl I know came in and said I missed her birthday. She turned 21 a couple of weeks ago so I bought her shots. Then the guy that works at the door had shots with me. Then I had shots with myself.
It's sometime after 1am and the beer has been steady and the Jagermeister has kicked in and I am going in and out. At least my memory of the night is that way.
There was this girl I tried to talk to last fall. We talked for a couple of hours and then she disappeared. Now this girl was in front of me with her purse over her shoulder asking if I wanted to go home with her.
Sure.
I remember asking her if she was alright to drive. It wasn't as if I would have taken her keys and had us walk if she'd said she was shitfaced. I was just asking. I don't remember what she said.
I also don't remember the ride to her place - I don't remember getting in the car. I also don't remember if we talked, if we went right to the bedroom or not. The first thing I remember after asking if she was ok to drive is fingering her. And I was well into the middle of it because she was saying she was close. So I got on my job and finished her off and she fucking squirted. My first squirter. I wanted to do it again immediately.
I also wanted to fuck. She was a little on the thick side but she had a pretty face and a nice rack. I was completely fucking numb though. I got in but it was useless. I could feel nothing.
The next thing I remember she's telling me to get dressed. We have to leave.
"I can take you to Mark's house."
"Who the fuck is Mark?"
"Your friend that works at the door."
I'd known Mark for almost a decade. Fuck.
I grab my boxers and my pants and decide it's one or the other. I can't do both. So I ride in her truck with my boxers in hand while she explains that her mother is dropping off her daughter in the morning and she doesn't want to have to explain me - a sort of half-assed apology that I don't think many guys really need.
I open the door to Mark's place and as the door shuts behind me I see his roommate has purchased a large black and white pit bull.
"Hey puppy."
Luckily it likes me. I woke up on an air mattress the next morning spooning the dog with my boxers on the floor. I had the taste of vomit in my throat. I really hoped I didn't puke somewhere in this house.
I made sure I had my wallet, phone, and car keys. All there. And somehow I had two twenty dollar bills. It looks like I had practiced some restraint. Then I saw the white piece of paper. At 1:00 am I took one hundred dollars out of an ATM at the bank across the street. The receipt didn't jog my memory. I have no recollection of leaving the bar at that time. But it made sense how much time traveling I had done if I drank sixty dollars with of liquor in less than an hour.
When I saw Mark I was a gentleman and told him I had no idea how I got there. Then that night at the bar he lets me know I kept throwing up at this chick's place so she dropped me off there. One mystery solved. The rest will be cleared up if I can ever get that girl to talk about it. Although I'm not sure I should ask.