Yo. Really? Like after all these months? Awesomeness. I feel like a kid that’s been in time out since February. Basketball can keep my attention for a minute (just a minute) and even though the Orioles are obviously going to the post season, baseball sux. World Cup? GT…entire…FOH. I’ll let the rest of the world enjoy that snooze fest. I’m an American and my attention span is waaaaay too short to watch 5 hours of game with one score. It’s time for some rock em! Sock em! Hard hitting nirvana. And I don’t mean replays of Ray and the Mrs. in the elevator either.
I AM READY FOR SOME FOOTBAAAAALLLLLL! K. Enough of that. Let’s get to the nuts and bolts of week one.
Thursday Night Clash of the Titans
Pack vs Seahawks
An overrated QB with an even more overrated corner versus a QB who is good for real but with a defense that isn’t. At least that was what was up last year. Marshawn Lynch has developed the pudgy face from eating all those Skittles and that Tate guy isn’t around to piss off other teams into stepping up their game. They will play in Seattle though where the fans seem to scream all game, every game for no apparent reason except someone told them to. Which I’m sure is pretty distracting. It’s the year of the Rodgaaaas per the native American zodiac though, even if he doesn’t have Raji to do commercials with. I give this to the Packers only because I’m sick of Pete Carroll smiling all the damn time.
Saints vs Falcons
Well it appears the Falcons are starting off this season a bit healthier than they did last year, albeit without the best tight end of all time with the best tight end of all time if you know what I’m sayin. I’m not sold on the midget triplets they have running the ball and you can’t really be all excited about the return of Steven Jackson because after a full year, we don’t know what he adds. But Ryan looks sharp and Julio is Julio and this game is in Atlanta. Drew and company still haven’t proven in my humble opinion that they can open multiple cans off whoop ass on the road, but that Falcons D just isn’t ready . I predict Jimmy Graham tears up both goal posts and Roddy White talks shit about him for doing so. Saints by a touchdown…or three.
Steelers vs Browns
Way to start the season Pittsburgh with one of those gimmee games… or is it? Lol. Yeah it is. I’d love to say the Steelers lose by a hundred thousand trillion, but unless they forget to stop past the rest home to pick up half of their secondary and their quarterback ohhh.. and their defensive coordinator, the Steelers should be able to dispatch with Hoyer and them handily. That Brownie offense is just…sigh.
Pats vs Dolphins
No Vereen, no Blount, no Mankins… no ummm… problem. K. Maybe a little one. But I try not to bet against Bell a Check or that Brady guy who has turned into one fine field general. Miami’s defense is nothing to sneeze at but I’m no fan of Tanney Hill. It’s a divisional game and Brady can hear his clock ticking. Pats pull this out.
San Fran vs Dallas
If preseason proves prophetic, this could actually be the bottom of the game barrel this week. An offense that couldn’t move the ball versus a defense that couldn’t stop the ball from moving. Sounds like a question on a physics exam. And I failed physics so I’m going with my gut feeling here. I do predict that San Fran fails to live up to any and all expectations this year, but I can’t believe for one hot second that they can’t move the ball against Dallas’ defense. But then there is that Dez Bryant guy who will probably make a play or two. Won’t be enough though. San Fran goes all Techmo Bowl on Dallas just to not live up to the hype for the rest of the season and Jerry Jones tells the press Manziel could have won that game.
Ravens vs Bengals
They are playing in Baltimore and the Bengals never win in Baltimore. Enough said.
Panthers vs Bucs
The other two teams in the NFC South play each other this week. No one like completely cares though, because all eyes will be on Atlanta. The Bucs’ stock is on the rise and Carolina seems to have a bit of a receiver issue. But it’s a divisional game and Josh McCown, I’m sure, wants to prove that Lovie didn’t make a mistake making him the starter. He won’t though. Carolina will win this game and hopefully will get out of Dodge without picking up whatever germ is free floating in Tampa this year.
Broncos vs Colts
The Broncos have shored up the defense and managed to evade the Super Bowl Champ player plunder by losing miserably to the Seahawks (one sneaky move if you ask me). But they are missing two folks who made serious contributions last year in Moreno and Welker. Still though. It’s the Colts. And Lord knows Football Jesus is not going to lose to that guy with the neck beard again.
There are some other games this week. The Rams are playing the Vikings and I predict AP shows up wearing blue and white. The Jags play the Eagles and I predict Bortles sneaks in wearing a Henne jersey. The Raiders are playing the Jets and I predict Schaub will mysteriously miss the team bus. The Bills are playing in Chicago so the Bears defense might have more fantasy points than Peyton Manning this week.
Did I forget your team? That’s okay. I’ll degrade them next week. Especially if they are playing the Ravens. *Cough* Pittsburgh *Cough*…
Enjoy week one.