Featured Planet Ill Original Sports — 21 September 2014
Notes From Homerville: NFL Week 3 Picks

homerville

By shelz.

You know what it is…. Black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow.

I won’t belabor the point. The Falcons aren’t the only team whose toughness should be monitored. I think I could push some of Pittsburgh’s O-Line around. Anyway, it was all lovely victorious Ravens purple and stuff last week, but it’s a new day and the new look Browns are up at bat. Do I believe in the Brownies yet? Absolutely not. I see a come back to earth butt whopping on the horizon. The redheaded step child of the AFC North needs to remember its place. Do I have any stats or substantiating evidence that this will happen? They’re playing the Ravens. Moving on.

I’m done with upset central though. These shit teams winning all willy nilly for the past two weeks are making it hard on a prognosticator. But I’m a soldier and soldier on I will.

Falcons vs Bucs

Oh Lovie. What is a man with no defense to do? With no Doug Martin to do? Even their locker room germs have abandoned them. There’s always Ex Raven Bobby Rainey who will probably do well for the Bucs ground game, but he’s not going to be able to stop Julio Jones from scoring. No one on the Bucs team will. Oh well. I say the Falcons pull this out. Tampa is officially 0-3. Oh Lovie. L

Broncos vs Seahawks

Will football Jesus make Seattle a 1-2 team? Will Richard Sherman get burned for 3 touchdowns since every QB save discount double check knows you can totally throw to his side? Will there be wine instead of water on the Denver sideline? Y’all know I’m no fan of Denver because I’m a hater. And that goes double for Seattle. Welker’s back but they are playing in Washington where folks absolutely refuse to STFU. And then there’s that Percy Harvin guy to worry about and his friend, fat faced Fred aka Skittles who will prolly wild out in the 2nd half after Denver’s defense goes to sleep. Seattle wins.

P.S Ya’ll see how Marshawn Lynch ropes off the Lambo when he parks it? How funny would it be if he did those Dart commercials? I should be in advertising.

49ers vs Cardinals

So the backup QB for the Cards won a game last week… Against the Giants. Kaeperscam looked awful in the second half of his awful game against the awful Bears defense, which actually didn’t look too awful. And some people on the 49ers team are hurt or out because they do drugs or something. I always like to watch the 49ers lose because they cut my dude Alex Smith and they stole my beloved Q from Baltimore. We miss you Anquan. Cards with the upset. Fitz gets some throws to shut his dad up and the Kaeper-scowl gets some more air time. Did you see this kids face last week after he threw his seventyeleventh pic? Priceless.

Chargers vs Bills

I refuse to type Buffalo Bills are 3-0. I refuse even if it happens. But it won’t. Phillip Rivers is a bawse. Chargers roll even without Antonio Gates.

Titans vs Bengals

So yeah…the Titans were beat down by the Cowboys. And the Bengals haven’t lost yet. But they have to at some point. There’s no AJ Green this week and we know Dalton loves him some AJ Green. If the Titans run defense can stop Giovanni Bernard, this should be an interesting game. I put this in the lap of the Falcons last week and they let me down. I say Jake Locker breathes new life into the AFC North standings. Please.

Cowboys vs Rams
Umm…I don’t know. I’ll go with the Cowboys in this one only because Marshall Faulk and Tory Holt are irritating as all h3ll when they get excited about this sorry @ss team. The less the Rams win, the less they talk. Go Cowboys.

Steelers vs Panthers

See. This is the thing. The Panthers have a defense and the Steelers kind of don’t. We will say it’s in flux. Seriously, the Ravens did these dudes in last week with a pretty simple offensive game plan and I don’t think the Steelers have scored a TD in like 3 years. Are they going to start all of a sudden against Luke Kuechly and nem? Doubt it. Expect another beat down and yet another ridiculous, deer in headlights after game presser from quote thief and field encroacher extraordinaire, Mr. Epps.

Raiders vs Patriots

Next…

Vikings vs Saints

Things just aren’t looking great for either of these teams. The Saints, gawd help them, are losing to teams that couldn’t carry their clip boards last year and the Vikings are missing the leader of their offense. Man I don’t even know the name of their quarterback. Hold on. His name is…Matt Cassel and he had his ass handed to him by the Pats last week. This week’s game is in New Orleans and the Saints simply can’t lose. In this do or die scenario, I have no choice but to pick Brees over…what’s his name again? Yeah…Saints at the house. This should be a blow out.

Packers vs Lions

Jordy Nelson all up in that secondary with Aaron Rogers throwing to him? Hmmmm. Megatron with anyone throwing to him? Double Hmmm. It’s in Detroit and I just can’t with the Green Bay defense. Even though that Detroit secondary isn’t exactly awe inspiring. If the Lions can stop with the mental mistakes and get those RB’s churning out yards, this should be close and highly contested. Flips coin. Picks Detroit. End of story.

Colts vs Jags

The Jags should lose solely based on the sheer ugliness of their helmets. But they won’t. They are going to lose solely based on the sheer ugliness of their offense. Sure the Colts have lost two games, but they are still the Colts.

Of course there are other games this week like the Skins vs Eagles or the Chiefs and the Dolphins, but I have a life here. Plus the Giants are the gimmee that the Texans were last year. So there you go. Week 3 in a nut shell and as always…

RAVENS!

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