Featured Sports — 19 September 2013
Notes From Ravens Homerville: Who The Fluck Is You Throwing To?

homerville

By shelz.

I know there is some poor English in that title, but if these AFC North QB’s can throw like that, I can write like that.  Let’s get it started.

Wait.  Before we do, I’d like to share a brief paraphrase from Mike Tomlin’s Monday night postgame presser. You know, the same night the Cincinnati Bengals pushed the Pittsburgh Steelers down the basement steps, turned out the light and locked the door.

There’s a lot of misery involved in being in the situation we are in right now, but we’ll wear it.

It’s not exactly Nietzsche, but close enough. On with the show folks.

The Ravens will be at home again this week with the Texans visiting.  Ok, before you say what I know you are going to say, let me play advocate of optimism here. It’s hard to measure the progression of the Ravens defense by watching them against the Browns, but I was pleasantly surprised by the corners.  Jimmy Smith and Ladarius Webb kept the edges of the secondary free of flying debris and allowed no huge chunks. Smith especially made a couple of pretty dynamic plays and kept the penalties in check.  I’ll stay off his back… for now.

Matt Schaub had to wrestle Sunday’s game against the Titans out of the solid grip of stud quarterback Jake Locker in the final seconds of overtime to come away with a win. (Yes, that sentence is drenched in sarcasm.)  I’m not sure what’s going on with the Texans defense, but I’ll take one more week of it. If the Ravens offense can put together the first half of the Denver game with the second half of the Browns game, they are in business. Even minus Ray Rice.  The run blocking is so atrocious right now, Bmore is making its money on the pass and Bernard Pierce is nothing to sneeze at.

Prediction: Ravens put this whole “the Texans are the most balanced team in football” nonsense to bed. Terrell Suggs takes a trip up to the ESPN network’s studio to pimp slap Skip Bayless and Arian Foster adopts “stuffed” as his middle name. THIS GAME RIGHT HERE…. is your upset my friends.

What else is happening this week?  You know I know.  Come with me.

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Andy Reid Returns…

I am so looking forward to this Eagles/Chiefs game.  I dropped Matt Ryan smooth the fluck from my fantasy team just for this game.  If you want to find a piss poor defense, head straight to Philadelphia.  You can run.  You can throw.  You can put your 6’5” 320 lb tight end in a wheelbarrow and push his big ass to the goal line.  That might be Andy Reid’s fault, but it’s in Chip Kelly’s hands now and we already know he’s not exactly Dick Lebeau.

This is going to be the shoot out that the Eagles/Chargers game should have been. Who’s going to win? Hell if I know. Or care for that matter. I’m an AFC girl, but this is going to be fun to watch.  Especially for the 49ers who just put up a whopping 3 points against the Seahawks.  Yeah, the team that was supposed to get mollywhopped by the Panthers in week one. 

Prediction: Both Andy Reid and Alex Smith make huge statements to their former teams.. and that statement is fluck you! Matt Ryan dwells in the free agent pool of my fantasy league for the rest of the season and John Harbaugh offers his little brother Tyrod Taylor for a 39th round draft pick.

 greg sciano

Everybody Haaaates Greeegggggg

So Greg Schiano is not making the best impression in Tampa.  Rumbles are filtering from the locker room that his boot camp tactics didn’t transfer from the college ranks to the pro ranks well.  Coaches are the big man on campus but in grown man football, their significance shrivels under the weight of their super star players. But can the Bucs overcome the in-house bristling?  Maybe if they were playing the Jags, but they aren’t.  They have an exasperated Tom Brady on the opposite side of the ball along with his group of rookie receivers who want to prove their worth after a disappointing week 2.

Prediction:  Josh Freeman decides to take his team photo at 1pm and is late for the game. Revis sneaks out of man to play zone and Schiano kicks him in his knee. The Brady Bunch use this sinking ship to get their flow back. Patriots win with Brady throwing the ball to himself for the last touchdown.

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Can The Black and Gold Rebound?

As a Ravens fan, it’s hard for me to be objective about this.  I mean there is a chance that the Steelers totally bust out of this stupor and check what’s left of Jake Cutler’s chin on Sunday.  Plenty of people said week 2 against the Bengals was a passing of the baton game, moving Cincy up the AFC pecking order and dropping Pittsburgh to the lower level of the division, but I disagree.  I say it’s this week.  The AFC North is looking at some serious competition Sunday and everyone has dropped at least one. So a win at home against Chicago could change the entire complexion of this very young season for the team.  But you know me better than that.  It ain’t gonna happen. Pittsburgh lays an egg on national TV…again.

Prediction:  Big Ben gets sacked every play, except for when he hands the ball off.  Then Redman will get sacked. If they call a time out right before the snap, then Haley will get sacked. Mike Tomlin starts trolling the NFL want ads because if he doesn’t fix this team ASAP, he’s going to get sacked.

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Ummm… Yeah.

Pete Carroll has no heart.  He proved it last week when he started challenging ish in the wee minutes of the 4th quarter with his team up and over the 49ers by like 89 points.  He looks like a nice guy, but under that sweet exterior is pure football malevolence.  Im sure of it.  Then he’s coaching players like Beast Mode who added insult to injury when he stopped an inch short of goal and just stood there for a half second before he casually stepped over the line.  The Seahawks don’t want to win. They want rip your manhood from your chest and toss it into a black hole from which it can never be recovered (Unless you’re the 49ers.  They will be fine this week.) The Jaguars are ..umm… well.. Hopefully they will show up.

Prediction: Out of respect for the commissioner of my fantasy league I will say Seahawks win and leave it at that.

 

Burn Baby, Burn…

The city of Cleveland probably looks like Halloween in The Crow as bonfires fueled by team gear flare up in all 4 corners. Obi Wan Richardson has been sent packing to the flatlands of Indiana and it appears Willis Mcghee will serve as Browns 1 RB for the rest of the season if he passes his physical. 96 hours after the trade, the orange and brown will take the field in  Minnesota to tangle with AP and all those other people who play for the Vikings. Brian Hoyer will start and try his damndest to prove he isn’t a stop gap and Willis will probably use this is as an audition to prove he isn’t washed up. 

Josh Gordon is back from suspension and as long as he doesn’t come out of the tunnel half baked, could prove a legitimate target for the 1st year QB. It’s all on Hoyer’s shoulders people, but the Browns defense looks good and Christian Ponder looks really, really bad. Funny thing is, if Richardson were playing, the Browns would look even better in this match up.  Go figure.

Prediction: Cleveland wins and crawls out of the AFC North basement leaving the Steelers to enjoy the dark all by themselves. (It hurt me to type that. Truly. It did.)

 

Well there you go.  A small smattering of a weekend that will surely be full of early season highs and season ending lows.  2-0 teams like Miami (yes, your road to unseating the 72 squad stops in Atlanta) and Houston (everything is bigger in Texas including this beat down you are about to take) will fall from grace and 0-2 teams like Jacksonville (sigh) and Minnesota (poor AP) will continue to do what they do best.

Oh.. one more thing.

RAVENS!

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