WTF Atlanta? Seriously. WTF!?!
Week three had me looking like a football psychic, busting out verses of “Do You Know The Way to San Jose” and everything. It was perfect until the Falcons took the field. C’mon Atlanta. Grow a pair and play some grown man football for 60 minutes. These 4th quarter meltdowns have become the team’s signature and 1-2 is not on the path to MetLife. The only team they have been able to beat is the Rams and they even tried to give that game away. Right now Atlanta shares a record with football powerhouses like the Cleveland Browns and the Oakland Raiders. To make matters worse, the Falcons have a date with Tom Brady Sunday and 1-3 is on the path to a high first round draft pick.
Can they win against the Brady bunch? They can, but they won’t. It appears Tom Brady and Kembrell Thompkins have found a rhythm and Edelman is pretty good in the slot. While Gronkowski will certainly be held to a low snap count to ease him back into the swing of things, I anticipate his return will make the Pats offense more confident and give Brady a great decoy. Zach Sudfeld has been practicing at full speed as well and might be a go on Sunday. The Pats finally have a decent pass rush after all these years and it will be matched against an offensive line that even other Atlanta players refer to as a pile o’ punks. Steven Jackson most likely won’t play and Roddy White is still dealing with a bum ankle. I don’t think the Falcons will be able to overcome even a struggling New England offense. The only thing the Falcons’ prevent defense prevents, is them from winning.
Prediction: Forgetting Brady has the most dangerous 2 minute drill ever, The Falcons bolt out to a commanding lead only to piss it away in the bowels of the 4th quarter. They must hit a bong at halftime. Seriously though. I don’t even expect the commanding lead part.
Other things going on in week four? A handful of very exciting matchups this week including the Texans vs. The Seahawks, The Giants vs. The Chiefs, and The Eagles vs the Broncos. Then, of course, we have to talk about my Ravens and those sorry ass Steelers. As a matter of fact, let’s start with them.
Bmore is traveling to Buffalo Sunday to pressure the bejesus out of that little boy quarter back they have. The Bills have actually been an okay team so far this season, but okay won’t beat the Ravens oppressive front seven. Stevie Johnson may see some work in the secondary, but since the Ravens benched Huff and Graham things have been looking up. Ibeghi…ibghjo..ibe.. yeah that guy has stepped up in his midfield enforcer role wonderfully and I think the rookie free safety Elam is about to pull some balls out of the sky, especially since he intercepted EJ Manuel last year when Florida played Florida State. Why not continue? As it is written, so it shall be.
Prediction: EJ Manuel is going to be crying after this game too, but they won’t be tears of joy. Ravens offense actually scores some points this week on a couple of Flacco/Smith connections and a breakout game for Pierce. Hopefully Jacoby Jones learned the only thing more dangerous than fielding punts with Brandon Trawick on your team is hanging out with Bryant Mckinnie.
From Very Worst to Best of The Worst?
Together, the Vikes and the Steelers are 0-6. After Sunday one of these teams will have a nifty little one to add to their win column; but which one? I mean, conventional wisdom asks, “What kind of dumb ass question is that, Shelz? We are talking about Roethlisberger vs Ponder; one of the best defenses of all time vs. umm… some guys in purple that aren’t the Ravens. Of course Pittsburgh is going to win.” Not so fast conventional wisdom. The Vikes still have AP and they hung a respectable 27 on the Browns who have a much better defense than they are given credit for. I would love to predict 0-4 for Pittsburgh because they legitimately have no shot, not just because I’m a Ravens fan. And even though I think this is the closest the Steelers have come all year to a game they can actually win, I’m going all in until they prove me wrong. Why fix what ain’t broke? (ALL bets are off if Cassell starts. I wouldn’t pick Matt Cassell over my nephew’s park team.)
Prediction: I try not to hurl at all the Big Ben/Big Ben connections that are bound to proliferate sports writing this weekend (and don’t forget across the pond with Ponder.) I again call shenanigans on the NFL for jacking a home game from season ticket holders by flying these teams all the way to Great Brittain so they can jet lag it out on the field and I believe Peterson finds a breakout game in his soul after searching it all week. 0-4? Cam Cameron wouldn’t have lasted to week 5 with that record. For God’s sake Pittsburgh, have a little respect for yourselves.
Can Victor Cruz Please Bust Double Digit Fantasy Points This Week? Please?
What a waste of a perfectly good fantasy pick. The not ready for prime time players that comprise Eli Manning’s O-line will not let Cruz be great. I’m benching him and hoping Eli comes out of this game in one piece. If you can get dismantled like that by the Panthers, there’s no telling what KC’s defense is going to do. Also, if Reed is interested in allowing Smith air it out some, this would be the perfect game to do so. I mean what’s the point of keeping Eli and company off of the field? That’s just an opportunity for your defense to score?
Prediction: Tom Coughlin’s hot seat gets a little hotter. Eli Manning starts taking his new career as pop star seriously. Peyton offers to play for Eli on his bye week since they are brothers and all. The chefs are going to be 4-0.
There Goes The Dynasty
Maybe the Eagles are under the impression they get post season play for fantasy points. I personally am riding Michael Vick until the wheels come off, which will probably be this week. I’m patiently waiting for someone…anyone to figure out how to beat this Denver squad, but it’s not going to be Chip Kelly and it’s definitely not going to be in Sports Authority. That whole paper, rock, scissors thing was crazy disrespectful, but when you can back it up, it’s hidden under a cloak of swag. I guess this week the Denver running backs are going to see who can score with their cleats tied together running into the endzone backwards. Considering Philly’s defensive woes, it’s probably all of them.
Prediction: Denver wins again (shocker) and makes Philly’s shit defense look its worst since the season started. The entirety of the Philadelphia offense is given oxygen tanks to wear on their backs during the fourth quarter and the NFL Channel “experts” get to spend yet another week firmly entrenched between Peyton Manning’s cheeks.
Balance Deez Matt Schaub!
So the most balanced team in football is back at the house to host the Seattle Seahawks after getting spanked by the Ravens at The Big Bank. Are they happy to be home? Of course. Do they have a little bitterness to work through? Most definitely. Will the Seahawks be recipients of an on the road ass whopping from said bitter team? Nope. There were some foolish writers who suggested the Jags would be a let down game and Seattle would actually lose to Jacksonville. These same silly people, who just can’t accept that Schaub is overrated, are now saying the Texans are so angry about last week, they will unleash some serious fury on Wilson and his peeps. What? What fury? These clowns wear lettermen jackets. GTFOHWTBS. Seattle by a hundred thousand trillion.
Prediction: I can’t stand the Texans and that will continue.
Ah well, that’s what I have for you. Oh except this. Rams over the 9ers. I think Kaepernick is going to psyche himself out in the easy/must win situation and crack at the sound of lil Harbaugh’s screeching. Think I’m crazy. You aren’t the only one.