By shelz
On this day back in 1789 the United States Post Office Department was created. Since then it has gone from an official section of the government to an entirely independent operation, but through all the changes they still make sure your bills are prompt and your payments are a day behind. Through sleet and snow and rabid dogs they bring the pain, one late notice at a time.
The post office is similar to the police in that we need them and we use them regularly but rarely have anything nice to say about them. Even some of our most used catch phrases, like “going postal” are shots at our beloved mail carriers.
Postal metaphors are even used in music. (You knew the connect was coming sooner or later, right?) We are always talking about how somebody mailed in their verse and some of you artists understand “the check is in the mail” too. So today we are going to talk about some mailed in lyrics, not the boring ones. Who wants to talk about those? We’re going to list some lyrics that are so bad there is no way the lyricist stood in a studio full of people and said that. They had to have mailed them in and they should have done so with no return address.
I know everyone is entitled to a bad day, but some of these are just too wild to pass up. So I present to you the Happy Birthday Post Office Bad (Mailed In) Lyric List. It’s a stretch, I know, but you’ll enjoy it anyway.
First Up …
Shakira Whenever, Whereever
“Lucky that my lips not only mumble, they spill kisses like a fountain. Lucky that my breasts are small and humble so you don’t confuse them with mountains.”
I let my mind meander through this and I still come up with nothing. Umm… Does this have something to do with all that yodeling she does? Are big boobs some sort of relationship hindrance? I really need someone to explain this to me.
LFO – Summer Girls
“Fell deep in love but now we ain’t speaking. Michael J Fox was Alex P Keaton. When I met you I said my name was Rich. You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch.”
This is what happens when someone says, “All those rap guys do is rhyme and stuff. I can do that.” There is no cohesion, just a bunch of random sentences. Plus he’s a liar (because his name isn’t Rich) and I’ve never seen a girl in the Abercrombie and Fitch around the way except that one rude bitch at the register and she isn’t much to look at.
Just-Ice – The Girl is a Sl*t
JUST-ICE – That Girl Is A Slut (Full Version) (1986)
“This girl is a sl*t. She’s got crabbies up her b*tt. She’s got a smelly little c*nt that’s loaded with funk and boogies hanging off her b*tt. She’s a sl*t.”
To this day I am still mortified by these lyrics. It sounds like something that bad ass little boy with the potty mouth who stands outside the corner store would say. The one you tell your kids to stay away from. Someone find Just Ice so I can smack his hand. This is just putrid. The funniest thing about this song is he still beat it, crabs boogies and all. I don’t think I would have told anyone.
Hammer – Pumps and a Bump
“All stiggity stiggity girls, getting on my good nerves. Looking like ice cream ready to be served. Wreck it. Check it. Can I get in it? If you wanna kick it with a G baby, here’s me. Cause I come equipped. I’m a pimp, a slippity slip.”
This reminds me of when Hip-Hop was new and older people used to make fun of it. They would unleash the most ridiculous sentence and say, “That’s what rappers sound like.” Well, in this case, they were right. When I tell you Das EFX had everybody fucked up back then, I lie to you not. After seeing this video though, I think Hammer should have changed the title from “Pumps and a Bump” to “Socks in a Crotch.” I’m just saying…
Duran Duran – Lonely In Your Nightmare
Duran Duran – Lonely In Your Nightmare
“Because you’re lonely in your nightmare, let me in. Because there’s heat beneath your window, let me in. And its barren in your garden, let me in.”
I always assumed this song was about being emotionally unavailable, but the more I look at these lyrics, the more I think this is about a man with a menopause fetish. Then to add insult to injury he calls it a nightmare and suggests he’s the best you can do. It’s not written poorly, but I have to raise an eyebrow to this dude. He can clean it up all he wants, but all I hear is “C’mon girl, give me some, with your old dried up ass.” Lol..
Vanilla Ice – Ice Ice Baby
[pro-player width=’425′ height=’344′ type=’video’]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rog8ou-ZepE[/pro-player]
“Stop. Collaborate and listen.”
What? I mean really. What? Stop drop and roll. Stop, look and listen. Stop children. What’s that sound? Everybody look what going round. They are all understandable suggestions. 3 in a row is always a charm, but where does collaborate come from? Is this a subliminal for Bowie? Like we collaborated. I didn’t steal. This song is like 48 years old and no one has ever been able to figure out what the hell Van Winkle was talking about.
Cam’ron- Get ‘Em Girls
“I get computers putin.”
This one line almost singlehandedly deaded Cam’s rep as a solid lyricist and made people look at him as a nursery rapper. I’ve heard of Rasputin. I’ve heard of Vladimir Putin. But I’m pretty sure that computers don’t actually “pute.” I don’t think they be putin. But what do I know about computers, I stay calling the Geek Squad. Oh well.
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