By A Negro With A Keyboard

I swear to goodness, a professional sports contract must come with a “Tough Tony” clause in it these days.

Denver Broncos Wide Receiver Brandon Marshall: Nicknamed “The Beast” on the football field, but the only “beasting” he is known for off the field is upside the heads of past and current girlfriends.

Former New York Giants Wide Receiver Plaxico Burress: This superthug kept that heat on his waist, but unfortunately the only person he ever let his gun bust on was himself, becoming the real-life Cheddar Bob from the 8 Mile.

Cincinnati Bengals Running Back Larry Johnson: Arrested a whole 4 times, all for the same crime: beating up girls.

And now, which I must admit, may be my most favorite of all-time: Washington Wizards All-Star Guard Gilbert Arenas and his teammate Javaris Critterdon decide to re-enact a scene from the movie Face-Off, pulling guns on one another IN THE LOCKER ROOM AFTER A GAME over some dough Arenas lost to Critterdon gambling.

While the details of this event are still sketchy, events like this are the reason that people use the N-Word (and I don’t mean the one with an A at the end) so liberally when referring to black athletes.

Now we all know that money does not in anyway equate to common sense or even class for that matter (Michael Vick and Gucci Mane holla at me), but I mean damn, these professional athletes already have plenty “boats and hoes” as the song in the movie Step Brothers boasts, so like, who you showing off for?

Let’s really put the magnifying glass on this clown Gilbert Arenas, shall we? If you have ever read my personal blog, you know I already have a deep disdain for this man’s whole swag in general. I once even compared him to the character Papa Doc in 8 Mile, the quintessential icon of all things phony in Hip-Hop in the film.

Taking away any partiality though, I will give you the Top 5 reasons why this man is sweeter than a bag of Dominos Sugar.

5) You’re a really nice guy – Gilbert Arenas is known for charitable efforts all throughout the D.C. Metro Area, including donating $100 for every point that he scored during the 2006-07 season to D.C. high schools and even mentors a young man who lost his entire family in a fire at the age of 10. Now before you say something silly like “Frank Lucas gave out holiday turkeys in the hood in American Gangster”, or “Nino Brown showed love to some of the residents of the Carter in New Jack City“, please note that these are in fact movies, which means they are by definition embellished for the big screen. I’m from the “hood” too, and I’ve never seen a hustler give out s–t in the hood except crack vials and dime-bags.

4) You hang out with The Game – Your best friend in Hip-Hop is the dude who had blond hair like Sisqo on the dating show, Change of Heart, dropped an 18-track album without failing to name-drop other solidified rappers on one song, is possibly the most talkative gang member I have ever seen, is ALWAYS beefing with another rapper then peacing it up a month or two later in a public interview, cries because the sky is blue, and wants to make the butterfly a Hip-Hop fashion statement. Yeah Gilbert, you keeping it gangsta’.

3) You ALWAYS injured – Gilbert Arenas has an injury history the length of Shawn Bradley’s wingspan. Ask yourself, when you think of a visual of Gilbert Arenas in your mind, what do you see? In my head, I see a mental picture of this man sitting on the end of the bench in jeans and some bright-colored oversized Supafly-collared blazer with his hands folded. I can’t even believe that this dude even participated in a game to be in the locker room changing when this “gun show” popped off.

2) Your gun wasn’t loaded – Ummm, so clearly you weren’’t REALLY trying to single-handedly bring the Bullets back to Washington. What gun-toters do you know out in the streets that are pulling empty guns on people?

And finally:

1) If you so “bout it, bout it”, why you ain’t pull out on Shaq when he got his “grub on” with your wifee? – If you can pull an empty gun on a teammate over 65Gs, which is like pocket change for you and your 111 Million dollar contract, why you ain’t pull one on “The World’s Tallest Minstrel Show” when you found out that he was taking down your fiancee and mother of your 3 children. Y’all played the Cavs after that, so don’t front like you haven’t seen him Gilbert. Yeah you know what it is, because you seen what happened to Alvin Robertson and Greg Ostertag when they was talking that super-greasy stuff to Shag Diesel (in fact, when is the last time you heard from either one of them recently? Hmmm).

Gilbert Arenas, listen closely, and make sure you pass this message on to all of your fellow professional black athletes who engage in this sort of corny tomfoolery:

DON’T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB!

Recklessly Yours,

A Negro and A Keyboard

*After the time of this writing, Gilbert Arenas was suspended indefinitely by NBA commissioner David Stern without pay. Stern cited that in light of his situation and subsequent outlandish behavior, including Twitter spazzings poking fun at the situation and pointing his fingers at teamates in the form of guns AFTER the firestorm, Gilbert was “not currently fit to take the court.” Indeed.

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