By G.I.N.A. (Game Is Not Allowed)

Not too long ago my daughter said to me “mommy isn’t it weird that you can’t see yourself unless you look in the mirror but other people see you all the time?”  Aside from the fact that I was once again stumped by a “things that make you go hmmmm” moment from my eight year old, this was one to think on.  Is the reflection we see in the mirror the same reflection the world sees?

There was a time when I lived how I wanted with no thought about the consequences of my actions or who those actions affected.   I was indifferent to how those around me felt about my personality, because in my mind they would either love me or leave me alone.  I felt I was a good person; strong, hardworking, family oriented and would give a friend in need the shirt off my back.  So what if I had the tendency to fly off the handle and act like a bitch or spoiled brat on occasion, my other qualities were in themselves enough reason to keep my social circle intact, this I convinced myself of.   When I looked in the mirror I saw (and still see) a beautiful person with a great spirit and a warm heart however, what my friends and family saw was something different.

It took a series of events, over a span of time, before I realized the person in the mirror and the person I knew myself to be internally wasn’t who I showed the world.  The first clues to my self-deception came when various, unrelated, people began commenting on my persona.  At first it was easy for me to dismiss, I grew up the misunderstood “wild child” so people not getting me was the norm.  Though, when people I cared about chimed in with the same critique something in me clicked and I began to take notice.

If more than two people say the same thing chances are there is some credibility to what is being said.  Understand that only thoughts from folks close to me held any validity, yet, there were instances where my aloof and hard-as-nails attitude caused me to be admonished by some in my crew.  When I looked in the mirror I saw a good person, what I reflected to the people in my world often times caused them to have to search for the good.

At some point in life we come to a place where we are forced to acknowledge that people’s opinions of us do matter.  This is not to say that the word of every Joe Shmo who enters our lives should be taken as law but those closest to our hearts know us best.  Others see what the mirror doesn’t show us; sometimes our flaws, insecurities, hidden talents, or idiosyncrasies are put on display merely by our actions.  The world can glimpse what our eyes avert; the challenge comes in identifying the conflict in what the mirror shows us and what we show the world.

I knew I was a good person but as I started my self-reflection I became aware that I had been disappointed and jaded by the ups and downs of life, which caused me to harden my heart and toughen my exterior.  By doing this I was portraying someone opposite of who I truly was.  I was shocked that the people around me wouldn’t see the forest for the trees; ok so I could be a bitch but my intentions were good, shouldn’t that count for something?   I didn’t want to end up the person ostracized by family and friends because of my personality flaws.  I began to pay attention to what I said and did. Of course my “straight no chaser” attitude is a big part of my personality, it can also be an area of contention.  I began to view situations through the eyes of others and took into consideration the affect I was having on people. While Game Is still Not Allowed, I’ve learned, in certain instances, to serve a lighter “drink” and offer a chaser.

As Michael Jackson instructed I started with the (wo) man in the mirror and wanted to change my ways.  It takes consistent, conscience effort but it is possible to make the person in the mirror and the person viewed by the world one.  Our everyday dealings are ruled by interpretation; who we think we are may not be who others take us to be.  So ponder this, what is more important; what we see in the mirror or what the world sees in us?

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