Are men and women really that different?  We often find ourselves on opposing sides of most issues and we tend to see things very differently.  We all go through similar things in our lives but look for answers in different places. This column is where we see how men & women view things.  He Say/ She Say offers answers to your life questions from both the male and the female perspective.  Sometimes they will be similar; other times waaay off. All answers are written separately. Chime in and tell us what you think.

Dear He Say She Say

Hi. I am a mother of 3 children, two of which are twins.  I work and I am a wife as well.  I do my best to divide my time up as fairly as possible as to not have anyone feeling left out.  I find myself feeling tired at the end of the night and on the weekend I don’t ever have time for me.  I have tried to schedule times and split up chores around the house and I have even tried just taking the time to myself.  However when I do, my oldest daughter feels left out or my husband feels like he doesn’t get a chance to get out.  Help me find my own piece of mind so I can do me.

He Says:

Well my dear, people treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. If you don’t figure out how to carve out time for yourself, sooner or later you’re going to be taking your frustration out on your husband and the children. No one will be happy then.

I suggest that you get more proactive in finding you time. You can’t pick chores to occupy your children because kids don’t like chores. I don’t know how old your children are but if the oldest is feeling “left out,” then give her some of the things that drain you that are age appropriate and see if it wears her out. If it does she’ll be too tired to complain. If it doesn’t well she has yet another skill to assist you in the clutch. Aside from that get the children into sports or music or extra curricular activities that will occupy their time.

Your husband is a grown up so you can tell him how you feel and communicate your feelings. You want time for yourself then schedule it but remember that you have to extend the same courtesy to him.

Don’t burn yourself out trying to be everything to everybody because then the fault isn’t theirs it’s yours. Maybe it’s not that they demand so much of you but you feeling that your “job” as a wife and mother are all those things. You’re not Chaka Khan or Whitney Houston.

She Says:

I have some very important news that may shock you. YOU ARE NOT SUPERWOMAN! although as women we like to believe we can (or have to) do it all the truth is we need rest.  No one is going to understand that better than you. Since you can run the entire household (kids and man included) those around you are going to think that is how it is supposed to be.  What you are doing now is ideal; TAKE the time you need. No one is going to give it to you, the children won’t one day miraculously think “hey mommy needs a break, let me get my own icee out of the freezer”; hubby may not have the presence of mind to say “Babe you work all week and look beat let me take the kids out so you can have the house to yourself for a while”. It’s just NOT going to happen.

Children understand more than we give them credit for. From the time my daughter started school I introduced “mommy time”.  When we get in at night she knows mommy needs her 20 minutes, this is wind down time I take just for me, her directions are to start homework, read a book etc. Sometimes she sets the kitchen timer so she knows when it’s “her time”. Not only do I get what I need but she is also learning to be respectful of others (children are so accustomed to being catered to they often miss “the world does not revolve around you” lesson) and mommy gets tired too. You say you have three children so maybe the oldest can play games with her younger siblings; maybe you can turn it into learning time where big sis teaches them the alphabet, nursery rhymes etc. Maybe you can put out a snack for them to share, give them a puzzle to put together, something to occupy their time while you unwind.  As far as hubby goes that may take a little work (it is so much easier to train children than men).  You two may have to sit down and come to an agreement where you all alternate days to cook, clean or put the kids to bed.  With this aspect of the household, going on “strike” is also an option. If hubby doesn’t want to compromise then you don’t do anything pertaining to the house. It may sound nasty but after a few days of dishes in the sink, no clean clothes or dinner to fill his belly he may begin to appreciate your worth a bit more.

Either way your sanity and well being are paramount. The children, household and hubby will not spontaneously combust if you take time out for yourself as you need it. What will happen however is you will burn out, compromise your health and emotional stability and if you CAN’T function then all hell WILL break loose in the house. I am no Dr. but my prescription is take two ours of alone time and deal with everything else in the morning.

If you want your questions answered on He Say/She Say, please send your correspondence to odeisel@planetill.com .

Follow Us on Twitter @ http://twitter.com/planetill

Follow Odeisel on Twitter @ http://twitter.com/odeisel

Follow G.I.N.A. on Twitter @ http://twitter.com/gameisnotallwd

Join Us on the Planet Ill Facebook Group for more discussion